I'm curious... initially, after discovering the affair, I hated the OM so much and was so angry. Almost 8 months have passed since, my dv is in progress. I still hate him and am just as as angry at him as at DDay.

There is a positive trend though of all this moving into a greater context. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. He has a career that allows me to initiate action against him for having an affair with my wife. Since DDay, I've been mulling it over, not taking action because my thoughts were too dark, and I couldn't see how I would feel about doing so later on. Generally, I don't want to implusively destroy anyone's career.

The time has come though and I have started making the contacts and getting the information I need to press charges effectively. It won't destroy his career because I'm sure my xWW will lie to protect him. If she told the truth, he might serve jail time.

The time is here and now. There are so many ways I could go about doing it. The bigger the fuss I make, the more he'll be punished. I don't want a big fuss. I want the truth to be told... and I want the system in which he lives his life to validate itself. If the system slaps him on the wrist, then life goes on. I'll have validated the system even it lets me down. If the system does more than that, then good for it. It'll do what it was designed to do... protect people from people like him.

The truth is this... I was a husband that didn't know how to meet my wife's needs. I knew what her dream was though... to have kids. She has bad endometriosis and is essentially infertile. Knowing this, I knew I would need to make a certain salary to support her through multiple fertility treatments and if needed, 9 months of bedrest. I knew it had to be a certain kind of flexible job that would allow me to be there for her in emergencies. I put all of my effort into this after she miscarried almost 4 years ago. Frustrating time passed and I filled MY LIFE with ambitious striving to hit this... with time, perhaps my motives became blurred and I lost sight of the reason I was doing this: her and having children. She also lost sight of why she was going through all of these treatments... and now not working, she had a lot of time on her hands with me at work.

Each day I came home stressed out and exhausted, almost obsessed with the tasks of the next day. She was gradually getting more and more exhausted as well. A friend needed a place to stay... the husband of my xWW's best friend. Wanting to help, and having a huge empty house, we obliged.

Sept 11th gave him a perfect excuse to stay longer. He preyed on my wife's concerns about the fertility treatment and took advantage of my not being around as much as she wanted me to be around. There was also a distance between her and I that I couldn't explain. Wanting to feel important to someone, she began to respond to his predation on an emotional level, which quickly escalated into what he wanted, sex. After all, his wife and 3 kids didn't allow him to have that very much.

My wife became pregnant... maybe by me from the fertility treatments, maybe him. Their affair coincided with my wife being on hyper-fertility drugs to encourage conception. She miscarried shortly thereafter. I suspect he had a role in it... but I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. Saddened by the miscarriage and her lover's departure from our home, she sought every excuse to fly out and visit him, using his wife and kids as the excuse. Finally, he came to stay with us for several weeks and it all came crashing down though I still had no proof.

A month later and after he was safely gone, my wife became concerned that he was going to tell his wife (she was also suspicious that he was seeing someone else)... and that he would make her look bad. My xWW told his wife, then she told his best friend's wife, then she told me. Garnering the support of his best friend's family, she warded off the rumors that she was a slut. She fell in love with his best friend and began pursuing him.

My world collapsed. Nothing made sense anymore. I felt like a failure as a man, as a lover, as a husband, as a father to be, as a human. Attempts at reconciliation by either of us were short-lived because of my wife's fixation on NOT LOOKING BAD. She told people I had made her do it... that he had made her do it... that he was the bad guy or I was the bad guy - after all, even his best friend sided with her not HIM.

Finally, I left one night for a month when I overheard her father tell her, "Lock the door and have the police on speed dial. You never know what he might do. If he does, make sure you document it all so you can get more in a divorce." Having epilepsy and having seizures almost daily left me in a bad with someone I no longer trusted, no longer knew. Her motives, her dreams seemed to have changed overnight from having children to protecting her reputation as NOT A SLUT and to getting as much as possible from me in a divorce. Even her family... I didn't understand.

I left to stay with my parents 2000 miles away. A month passed and we got back together. Things seemed to calm down a bit. Time is a great healer and during the month separation, it healed some things... enough to put back a semblance of a life and save myself from getting fired at work. 2 months of relative quiet and therapy passed when I found all of his contact info and a new calling card in a hiding place. The next day I asked for a divorce. A month later I moved into my own apartment. Three months later our house sold and a separation agreement signed and she moved very far away.

My marriage is over and I will never go back to it or to her. The OM, him, Mr. Wonderful... he's out there somewhere skipping along merrily. I can see that I will not be able to move on with my life until I have at least tried to make the truth known. He's a doctor. He's a captain in the Air Force. He just finished an ob-gyn rotation. I get sick to my stomach thinking of him with other men's wives.

Mr. Wonderful, your time is fast drawing nigh. I hope your 10 months and the months since have been worth it and make it all worthwhile.

All betrayers will get their time, sometime. God knows, and he will serve these people.

Don't spend all this wasted energy on the man. He is not worth it. But if you can get a good case against him, hey, more money for you. And his career might be down the drain. Hey maybe he gets high looking at womans areas of conception. Who knows. But it sounds like this man is a psycho. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this man.

You are the one that counts. Good luck.

If this OM was your wife's gynecologist and was having an affair with her you should file charges with his professional body and the armed forces. He could loose his license and his job in the air force for dishonourable conduct. Get affidavits from the people she told to use as evidence. Good luck.

Lyxa,

you need counseling to look at this situation in the correct light: you didn't fail yourself, in fact, you did pretty well by leaving the situation once you decided that the situation became hostile towards you by an emotionally distraught W.

since you have no kids, you can look at this relationship as a test marriage, and join the ranks of the rest of us that picked latent losers.

as far as lawsuit, its a waste of time, energy and money in trying to come to terms with a small number of people in this world who perceive you as a monster. . .

get some counseling, a tune up, and then live by =yourself for awhile to get back on your emotional feet. . .

wiffty

I wondered when you would post this last one. Perhaps now your healing can begin. I think you needed to get this off your chest.

I would report OM and let the system work. It's time for you to go on, and it looks like that will help you.

I hope you are functioning better now than you were last summer. I find I still think about you some days, and wonder how you are.

All the best.

SS

Hi Still Seeking,

Thanks for the remembrance. I actual feel pretty good about this. But, am being careful to take my time and make sure this is what I want. I've tried to let a "future me" guide what I do now... I pretend years have passed and I'm looking back on the decisions I make now. Will I regret having been "too nice"? Will I regret having pushed for divorce? Will I regret letting her take some of the things she took for spite? No. I won't. I do intensely regret the 5 months I spent trying to reconcile. I doubt that'll ever change.

Will I regret NOT having let the military know about one of its officer's conduct? Yes. I need to tell my story. If they do or don't do anything, the story will be out there and the truth known. I'm waiting on one last thing that I need my x's cooperation with, and then everything I know is going to the JAG. I suppose we'll see what we shall see at that point.

Thanks for the replies. I probably do need counselling... but it just wasn't working for me. I'd go in feeling pretty good about life, and by the end of the session I'd be screaming inside. I took up snowboarding instead.

There is nothing wrong with holding him accountable. I am doing the same. OM family Dr. and WW supv. treating both I and WW for depression. Just had mediation in civil case against him and his employer. Am in the process of informing every board and governing body I can.

If you do not stand up who will. All evil needs to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

I must say that there is something freeing to get all of this behind and make it known so you yourself can move on and put it behind you. But forever be on your guard.

Best of luck to you.

Definitely turn him in. I supported my exh through 25 years--22 of military life. In that time he had at least 5 affairs. I did not turn him in--because I wanted our marriage to work, and we had kids, and he kept promising to shape up. Well, he didn't...8 months after retirement he had another affair.

To be honest, I worked hard with him for his career benefit. He used me-- because I was an excellent military wife...and he knew that. However, if I had turned him in...perhaps he would have realized how morally corrupt he had been. The military prides themselves in having men of honor. Adultery is not honorable. It is not a leadership quality to be proud of...and I think you should turn him in. I wish I had done it. Pat

Revenge doesn't come easy....in the beginning, I thought about exposing WS and little co-worker but the chances of it backfiring turned me off. I also could not see any benefit in destroying more lives.......

TW

I am a stbx air force wife. My H used his work computer to carry on sexually explicit email conversations with women he chatted with and traded nude pix with while he was at home (while I either slept or worked)...I don;t know if he ever had them send pix there, though.
He also spent a LOT of time with an older Tech Sgt divorced lady outside of work and at work (he is a SSGT) and mentioned while the 3 of us were at dinner that we should have a threesome.
He also was handing out his work email address to various sluts and discusting fathers who said they were into incest and asking for pix of their 14yr old daughters...and I had printed proof of this, as well as information reg. some child porn he traded once.

Did his commander do anything with this information? Nope. He supposedly got put under investigation (where they watch what he does on his computer for a little while...or MAYBE even goes back into his supposedly deleted history). But nothing came of it. I'll bet 20mil he's sitting there all smug in his little chair behind his damned desk rt now about all that, too.
Did special investigations (OSI) do anything about the documented proof of attempts to obtain child porn? They asked me if I'd surrender the computers for some computer forensic searches, and if they found something, said he'd be in trouble...but even after I willingly offered them up, they said..oh, well...nevermind.

I wish the Air Force would have done something. I wish they gave a holy crap about what calibur of people they stick in leadership positions. I wish that this would somehow have rendered him inable to ever receive a commision, but it won't. Because fact of the matter is, they just want able bodies to fill slots--the whole morality thing and being "the finest" crap is just to look pretty on the brochures.

I would still try if I were you, though, they'll probably ignore you as a "bitter" ex spouse like I suspect they did me. But remember...you don;t have to follow their silly little chain of command rule...and don;t. You go to the highest in his command that will listen to you. Higher the better. They generally are more concerned with the image of their squadren and don't typically brush things aside as easiliy as someone who works with him everyday as a commrade/good 'ol boy. I don;t say this just for sake of being a jerk or anything. I will tell you what the base chaplain told me (he had a gold cluster..dont rem what rank that is): he said that you are not tattle telling...YOU did not make the choice to violate the military code...HE did. You are merely a witness coming forward, reporting actions that HE chose to do. You are only letting his commander know what you know--and it IS his buisness..the lives (even private aspects) of his men are his buisness--that is the essense of the military, and Dr. too-friendly knew this when he signed the dotted line. Besides, as the Chaplain told me, how would you feel if 5 yrs or so down the road, you heard that this guy did something...like in your case, say, raped one of his patients? You knew he was prone to sexual prediting...yet you said nothing. You would have some blame in the woman's demise because you stood back and said nothing. At least if you said something now...come what may...and even if you do not think it is likely that he will ever do anything like that...you will know that you warned them.

I was VERY careful not to do anything rash with my stbx's situation, b/c I knew I wasn't in a rational state of mind. You sound like you've taken some time to breathe, calm down, and think it through as well, and I commend you for that. I got LOTS of professional advice before proceeding, and I hope that you will benefit from it as well. Just don't expect much. Good luck to you.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

Remember, God will punish those who hurt us in His time. I have learned to let Him do the dirty work for me and His vengence is better than anything that I can do.
I have been in your shoes, so to speak. Don't let Satan control your mind. Find ways to help others and you will find peace. You are letting Satan control you. Is this what you want?

Aly

((((((((((((lyxa)))))))))))))

Just remember that the best revenge after this stuff is living a GOOD life. Forget about OM, and believe me I know that is hard to do. But ANYTHING you do is going to look bad for YOU. Not HIM, not in her eyes, never, never never, until she is hurt by him. They have to learn the hard stuff all by themselves.

Let it happen, and live for you.

Love and light,

Jacky

When my car stereo was stolen... I still filed a police report, even though God will take care of the "grand scheme" of Justice. There's a system in place, in the world that Mr. Wonderful lives in. It's his career. He didn't steal my car stereo... he did much worse. God will take care of him, same as the stereo theives. In the meantime, the b@st@rd is subject to the laws in which he lives his life. I admire your faith, but God gave us our various gifts for the sole intent that we use them to make the world a better place. If he takes advantage of another woman because I did nothing, God may very well lay that on me. Faith is good; faith-driven action is better.

Things are almost in place. When ready, I have a non-profit group that has offered to advocate for me. I'll also be copying my senator, congressperson, and the med school he went to. Where I'm not in the military, I really am not scared by anything they can do. The system will either validate itself or it won't... I'll have validated myself as someone that isn't going to stand by and let this kind of stuff happen.

And yes, I am bitter.

Dear Lyxa,

IF you are going to go through with it, cc everyone in the chain of command. As high up as you can - the President is the top of the Military. Your list of cc's will be quite impressive and nerve racking - whether or not anything comes of it.

My husband is in the military too (says to do it that way for important matters) and the woman that also reported her ex had sound advice - the higher the better.

However, to be the other shoe - God does handle these things WAY better than we could EVER dream of.

Truly, meaningfully ask God for direction and wisdom in this matter - sometimes when were too busy dwelling, we don't hear what we should really do.

If you've done that, and have peace about it, and honestly feel this is what God is leading you to do and not you leading, then go for it. You may well be an instrament to help others by this action your taking. Just make sure it's God speaking to you.

Have you ever considered fasting about it and bringing it to God that way? He honors that. Heres a website about it, you might find it helpful.

http://cbn.com/spirituallife/cbnteachingsheets/fasting.asp

Tough call - understand why, Oh yeah. You'll be in my prayers tonight. Good luck and I wish you well.