H promises he is going to "take care of me" after the divorce. He has agreed to paying child support, but flies off the handle at the mention of alimony. He just keeps saying "I am going to take care of you. I don't need it on paper." I do believe somewhat that he will take care of me - but I need it on paper. We are trying our best to do this in a civil manner, but this topic is getting mighty sticky and deep. And it's not like I am asking for much - it is for less than he "says" he is going to send me each month. Why won't he let me have it on paper?!?!?! I don't even want if for long - just long enough for me to get finished with school and then one year to get established. Is that too much to ask for after 18 years of marriage?
Any ideas, hints, anything!!!
Thanks!

Have you been to a lawyer yet? My H had some ideas of what would be his after divorce and we went to a mediator/ Lawyer who laid out what the laws were and what the courts would award, and it seems to have gotten through to him.

No lawyer would agree to his plan, and probably no court either.

And please dont consider it.... what he says now has no meaning after the divorce if its not in writting. And we know how easily feelings can change. You only have one chance to do this and get what you need for the futre... Take care of yourself.

Yes, I went to a lawyer and he said to get it in writing. The lawyer we are using to draw the papers up - or should say that he is using to draw the papers up - is just putting whatever H is telling him to put. I don't think that he agress with it all, but is putting it none the less.

Is it possible that during a "no fault divorce" that when you do come before the judge that he/she could change the items that you and your spouse "agreed" upon"?

No, I am prety sure you should not count on a judge to change what you have agreed on. But if he having a lawyer write up what he wants, you should have a lawyer at the very least go over it and advise you on your rights and what it says... please dont count on him to protect you...

If this is all that you are doing. Why don't you two go to a mediator. They can give you the pros and cons of what the judge will say. And you should have eerything written on paper. Words mean nothing, what counts is what is written on the paper.

You should get alimony, for at least 10-15 years with 18 years of marriage. Don't settle for less. You don't know when you will have a hard time. Or when things are going to get out of hand. Yes you are going to school, but get help while you can. And you deserve this for 18 years of marriage.

But I still don't understand why you don't have a lawyer, or why you two are not in mediation.

He's not your husband anymore. A husband is loyal, faithful, caring, kind, and considerate. At some point in your dv, he's going to realize that he's giving you stuff he could be keeping for himself. The verbal promises are a ruse to get you to sign a lesser obligation. If he'll promise you verbally, why is he so scared to put it in writing? If he's so game to take care of you, how come he didn't respect and love you enough to stay by your side instead of cheating and breaking your heart?

Be diplomatic, but it all boils down to this, "Husband, I thank you for your promises. I had hoped to avoid divorce. Part of divorce is mapping out our obligations to each other so we can be free to move on. My lawyer will be contacting yours to work that out. I don't want to talk about this stuff with you anymore." And, if he persists, you leave him in time out.

I kept my verbal promises to my xWW even after everything was signed. Tell him, that he's free to do that too. Tell him what a sweetie he is and then have your lawyer contact his lawyer and get the promise formalized... or you're going to get screwed - again.

A lawyer once told me not to agree to anything without it being "in writing" for the simple reason that if a nother person enters your spouse's life (or even yours)..any agreement you have between you that are not in writing can change as a result..

No matter how much you believe this man will take care of you, i would get it in writing.