For those that don't know, I've been trying so hard to bring my M back together. I have faild miserably. Originally my W agreed that my Daughter should stay with me. Well, thats out the window now. I think she's going to just try to milk me for everything she can now. I just wish I knew what could possibly be guiding her decisions these past few weeks. This is just so frustrating. I know my child will be better off with me than her. My W wants to go out and party, she works 2nd shift, wants to date ALREADY!! I mean heck, this kind of stuff is not going to be good for my daughter. I can't afford a lawer, I can't even afford my bills for this month. I helped her move into her new appartment yesterday, I though I was going to have a breakdown. I kept as much of it from her as I could though. Man, I just don't know what to do. Nothing has worked and I'm trying to figure out how to move on but, its just so hard for me to give up on my M especially give up on my child. I can't just sit back and watch my W destroy our lives..

ItsNotMyFaultNow,

(OY, what a name!) I can very much identify with what you are feeling...hopeless, helpless and alone. Like you, I never wanted my marriage to end or to break up our family, but my H was not willing to participate in the marriage! I wished, and prayed, and hoped...but no matter what, he didn't want to go to counseling--and if I did somehow drag his butt into counseling, he wouldn't do the "homework" because deep down, HE DIDN'T WANT TO. It took me three years to finally learn, deep down in my soul, that no matter how much *I* may want to fix the marriage and not matter how much I give and give and give--there CAN NOT be a marriage unless there are TWO people in it. TWO.

I am so sorry. I know it's a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but if you wife doesn't want the marriage anymore (and it sure sounds like she doesn't if she's dating already) then guess what?? There isn't going to be one!! That hurts like heck, doesn't it???

Meantime, also like you, I did/do not have much money to fight my stbxH and he's pretty sneaky and devious. But ItsNotMyFaultNow, you just CAN NOT give up on your child. If she has money to get an attorney, then so be it--the ideal would be for you to get an attorney too, to protect your marital assets and your parenting rights. But if you can not afford one, then there are options. You can check into local legal resources (for example, in my state we have a Legal Line you can call to ask questions-volunteer lawyers answer the phone...we have a couple different Legal Aide things...etc.). You can also do most/a lot of the legwork yourself and just have an attorney (like a friend or a referral from a buddy) look over what you've done. That's what I'm doing and it's working well. You can suggest mediation with a court-approved mediator and agree on whatever you can--the mediator will heip you with possibilities and then you two can reach something that's not PERFECT but you are both willing to live with it. That's another option I'm taking.

As you weigh your options and start getting yourself emotionally ready to do the legal process, here are some things you can do to help you with YOUR custody case: List all the times in the past when YOU cared for your child (so, if wifey worked second shift, you were sole caretaker every evening and in the morning getting your child ready for school). Starting now and back a week or two as far back as you can remember, write down when YOU have your child and when your wife has your child. This can be helpful to document if she is refusing to give you visitation OR if you have the child for long periods of time while she lives the single life. Starting now (and back as far as you can) document when your wife has had your child and either left her to go out partying or left her alone or left her with a sitter (so that if your wife has your child for 16 days straight, but leaves her 12 of those 16 days all night long--that won't look as good). Start to document when YOU are available to be a caregiver for your child and what arrangements YOU could have in place to care for him/her.

Do NOT give up on your child. Right now, I suspect your wife may be thinking that if she has the child 90% of the time, she'll get more child support...but if you are a fully-functional, competent, mostly sane father, there's no reason AT ALL that you shouldn't have at least 50/50 physical custody. Go for it!! Don't give up!!! Your wife may me losing it and running off, but your child is forever--don't abandon your child!

Encouraging hug: {{{ItsNotMyFaultNow}}}

CJ

Thanks FaithfulWife, I appreciate your input. Just to let ya know, my name was ItsMyFault, I truly believed that I was the cause of our M breaking down. Now seeing what she is doing I diffidently don't believe that anymore. I have done a lot wrong in our marriage, I wasn't the best father, I realized that and I have changed a lot. The problem though for custody, I don't think I have a chance because For most of our marriage my wife has taken care of my daughter majority of the time. Yes I have taken care of her a lot more since she went on 2nd shift but I just don't think it is enough. My memory is practically non-existent. I can't even remember what we talked about yesterday. I think my wife said I could have my daughter for about a month but I'm afraid to ask her. My memory has been one of our problems to begin with and I'm afraid if I ask her I will make things worse. I really don't want to make things more difficult. I told my wife I wanted to have my daughter during the separation and that I would give her custody when the D is final. That was all fine with her, now she thinks I am trying to take her from her instead. Yes I realize how this would look and yes, I realize my mind might change after the separation but, I am looking out for my daughter. My wife has major emotional/mental problems that she has finally admitted to and I just want her to get help before she has my daughter. Should I go to the court and get Temporary Emergency Custody? I was thinking that would help me to be able to protect my daughter if my wife decided to skip the state with her again. I don't think that she would do that because her Job and whoever is at the job means more to her than I do but, she could go to the daycare and take her out without me knowing. If I had the Temp Custody I could tell the daycare not to let anyone take her except me without my permission. But like before, I'm afraid my wife will view this as me trying to take my daughter from her. I don't want to turn this into an ugly Divorce. I do not accept it but I want it to go as smoothly as possible. Another problem, I'm in the Marine Corps, stationed in North Carolina and The Divorce will be done in Illinois, my home state. I've been doing as much research as I can but getting answers around here is so expensive when it comes to legal advice. Anyone know what actually defines Separation? With Illinois if we do an uncontested D under terms of irreconcilable differences we only need to be separated for 6 months. The way I see it, when she left back in May of last year our separation began because when she came back she hasn't put much effort into saving our marriage. She spent most of her time and energy at her job and with her new found friends. Seemed like she was setting me up this entire time.

I'm still praying that the lord will lift the wool from over her eyes. If she would just realize how good I am to her and my daughter. If she would just realize what she had before its too late.

Well, I ended up helping her move more of her stuff today.. She is really starting to, no she is really pi$$ing me off now. I just don't understand how a person that used to be so careing and loving can turn into a total disrespectful, hateful, coniving B@#$h! Man! I'm losing my mind. She acts like everything is all peachy while I move all her crap from my house to hers.. Not even a thanks or screw you or nothing.. Then I tell her how I'm feeling and she twists it aroud and tells me to stop makeing it all her fault! She's killing me! I just don't know. I think tomorrow I'm going to tell her she needs to get the rest of her stuff out by the end of the weekend WITHOUT MY HELP!! I'm not going to lie here and get walked all over anymore. Now she's giving me problems with seeing my Daughter too.. ARGH!!! I need to go to the gym.. Happy days people, happy days!

Hi INMFN,

Hang in there... guess flowers wouldn't have helped. I am sorry about your situation...been there and bought the t-shirt.
BTW, no, you should not let her walk all over you... there is helpful, and then there is being a rug for walking on. Know the difference. And get a lawyer! If you "win" the divorce b/c of her abandoning... she may end up being ordered to pay your legal fees by the judge (after you pay them of course and no guarantee she would pay). But youdo need to protect yourself and daughter...do not let this person drag her child down with her.
hang in there and God bless,
jeri

Thanks Jeri, I appreciate your kind words. I'm doing a lot better today though. My and the wife had a productive day yesterday. I feel like negotiations will never end. I was able to talk her back into letting me have my daughter during the seperation. This is a good thing. I'm very happy. She even went to the bank with me and took herself off of my accounts. Almost seems too good if ya know what I mean.. Now I'm just hoping things stay smooth till we can get it in writing. Pray for me.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />