I've used the tough love technique which didn't work for me. Either I failed at using it, or it just does not work. My h had an affair with a woman at work. I could see it coming having been sensitive to this after surviving 2 previous EA's with this man from women at work. What i did essentially was gripe so much about it, I guess i practically pushed him into her arms where she was eagerly awaiting him. My goal was to warn him what I saw and hopefully he would stop, but he didn't. They had an affair which I discovered.

He told me he didn't love me and didn't want to be with me any longer. he told her he was in love with her!! I begged, pleaded, everything...and nothing moved this insensitive man. He said he wanted out. So i filed for the divorce and he left. Understand, I filed only after I realized this man was threatening to take my house, my child, my car and everything. He was so angry he was beyond reason. I still don't know what he was so angry about, but he was like an alien in my house. This has only been 3 months ago. He even saw a counselor who he says advised him to leave me.

Then 2 months ago, he started becoming friendly again. He approached me, told me how sorry he was and how he didnt' really want me out of his life...he wants me back.

We started spending time together, sleeping together, and doing lots of "family" things together. My friends are so angry with me they won't even speak to me..my family is begging me not to give this man another chance to hurt me. They think I should go through with the divorce.

He says he wants to go to counseling, but in 2 months has made no effort to make an appointment. I am in counseling for myself. He still works with this woman and i don't see that changing because he says he can't afford to quit the job.

My head is spinning. I want my family back and he seems to want the same thing, but I am afraid if I let him back into our home, and he does it again, I will lose more...

I wish I could say I trust him, but that is gone and will have to be rebuilt which i know will take time. I am stuck in limbo...wanting to go on with my life and heal...and then wanting to return to the comfort of married life, and I still have feelings for him.

If anyone has the answer...i sure hope they can give me one!

Have a great day!

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: inturmoil ]</small>

I suggest that you two go to counseling together. You are counseling, and taking care of the kids. Why are you sleeping with him? That could be fulfilling his sexual needs, but where is the EN? You seem to be whirlspinning, and not able to decide what to do. Seems the two of you need to counsel, and make some committments, and decisions. Your family is going to be angry at you. They have seen the hurt that he has done to you and the kids. And then you turn around and take him in. This is normal. You love your husband, and don't love what is happening. That is normal.

Get the two of you in counseling together.

Your MC can help you write up conditions necessary for a reconciliation. For example, proof of counseling, both IC and MC, expectations, financial support etc. You may find out if he is willing to meet these conditions, or just wants his cake.

H made comment to me today that I expect him to "jump" and do what I want him to do. It has been two months since he agreed to go to MC with me and he has not persued it, just keeps making excuses for why he has not done it. I am in IC, he was and quit.

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: inturmoil ]</small>

I know the pain you are going through, you want your family life back, you do not want the disruption the complete and total rearranging of your life. I know this because that is what is hitting me all the time. I don't miss the worrying of what my stbx has done or hasn't done. I am relieved that I don't have to see him drunk, and hearing how everything is my fault. Your H is only thinking about himself and his needs. You need to think of you and what you want and need in your life. I know its hard and it is very difficult when your family doesn't understand that this is hard for you and as my family has said to me "get over it". You need to grieve the loss of your family because that is where the hurt is coming from.

Thanks for the feedback. I know I need to work on me because i KNOW i cannot change him. I want something I may never have and must learn to accept this. Who wants somebody who isn't fully committed to the relationship anyway?

My family has always been supportive of whatever I want, it is my friends who's shoulder I have cried on who are "sick" of me, and I can't say I blame them. After what they went through with me..they see no hope for him to change.

I will always love this man and ache for what we could have had..our family life..the disruption and pain and suffering my children must go through not having mommy and daddy together.

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: inturmoil ]</small>