I find myself now protecting myself, against words of high rising sound. Yelling sends me in a spiral downward. And if a hand is raised to me, or a gesture of that nature, I find myself, cringing/wall of protection comes up.

This feeling that I am having seems to be not normal. I saw my therapist today, and didn't mention it, cause we had another issue to talk about. But, I was wondering if this is normal, or if I am losing it. With the help I am getting from my counselor, he seems to be helping me, with self-esteem, I have to wait till next week to talk to him. Thought maybe I might call him and talk about this issue briefly on the phone.

When someone is close to me, there is a protection I am putting between the other person and I. If I make the gesture to touch that person, or hug them, that is okay. But if they try to hug me, then I start to protect.

Seems I am self-evaluating myself too much. Or maybe there is a reason for the season here.

So is this just the scared me, or is this protecting me, or have I gone NUTS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .?

My personality is, a caregiver, I am timid, and I am a little shy. I don't have high self-esteem. And my husband helped me with that self-esteem issue that I didn't have after my mothers criticizm to me. Now the one that I loved, trusted and valued his opinion, and boosted my self-esteem is criticizing me, and I feel there is no one out there that feels I am worthwhile. So maybe this is an issue of self-esteem. And I am cowardingly retracking back to my cage, where I feel safe. Hard to decipher, after all I have been through.

My kids raise their voices, and I will politely say, no need to talk that abrasively, I am here, and I can hear, not that old yet. Trying to keep things on a quieter scale. I do find that I get nervous easy, and there is some quivering going on.

Does anyone else feel this way, and what did you do? Would it be advisable to talk to my therapist tomorrow. I otherwise will have to wait till next week to talk to thim again. Thank you for reading.

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Hi Faith4me,

Well I am not a professional but you should discuss these feelings with your therapist or IC. Sounds like you are building up your defense mechanisms based on what you have experienced.

Now watch out, the one giving the abuse may use this opportunity to make you think you are crazy. Even without the A in full motion, this imposed crazy status is a tool of the WS and OP. Sure can make one doubt their santity but in reality it is the WS and OP that are the ones in the fog.

Don't give the WS any indication that you are feeling this way. I know it is hard and I suspect since he still reads here he may now try to test your reflexes in this area. Be prepared.

This will make it hard to tell his sincere acts of kindness and care from the ones where he tries to push your buttons. But don't fret about it. Just don't put yourself in a lot of contact with him for right now and that should lessen the impact. If and when you have to have contact, try to make sure others are around or within ear shot. Even if it is the family pet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid, when one has been under a lot of stress, seems one takes and tries to analyze too much. Trying to let this go, and be me.

I understand the no contact and protectiveness.

WS & OP know how to push buttons. Both of them in my life knew what buttons to push on me, and used me with no feelings of guilt. Just to realize that and see what a good person I was, and to have them beat me down to a pulp, I realize that both are psycho's and God will give them their justice.

Figure I will call my therapist today. And talk with him about these feelings. Thanks Orchid. Here is a quote I read about greatness:

No horse gets anywhere until he is harnessed.
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined.
No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled.
No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
by Harry Emerson Fosdick

Thought you would like this quote. I read it and it hit my heart. Direction, what all of us humans need on a daily basis. Your focus on your life has boundaries, no OW in your life and your husband knows. You are dedicated as a wife, mother, friend, and to your family. Your wisdom shows, and thank you.

Hey Faith4Me -

To help with the self-esteem and fear of agression, why not take a martial arts class?

I'm NOT saying go out and learn how to beat up people. That would be idiotic and unrealistic.

Any good martial arts class will build your inner, (emotional, mental), strength via working on your flexibility, balance, coordination, and strength. The idea is that you learn to focus your inner energy. (Not sure how to put that in Christian terms. How about this: you learn to make your body a better recepticle for the Holy Spirit.)

Lots of women take martial arts these days, so you shouldn't have any trouble finding a class that suits your needs. And if you don't like learning to kick and punch, you could try Tai-chi, or yoga.

doofus - I have thought of that too. But for now am recovering from torn rotator cuff surgery. I thought of Yoga, for inner strength, but would like some protection classes. Maybe something I could look into this summer, if shoulder and back are healed enough.

I know being a woman we are more vulnerable than a man. And being not a very big woman, makes us more vulnerable. To have this strength behind me, would probably help my inner self feel more confident and protective.

Thanks, just something that I have been aware of recently, and didn't think about it much before.

Faith4Me,
When I was in my mid-30's I started feeling emotions that seemed excessive for the situations I was in. Luckily, I had read some things about dysfunctional families because my husband's father was an alcoholic and I could see some of the effects on his life. As I read the books, I could see my family patterns in them too, although the alcohol factor wasn't there. When we grew up in these families, we learned patterns that protected us then, but hindered us later. And we put up walls that protected us then, but kept a lot of pain inside us. That pain just stays there, often emerging later, as we experience similar life experiences. I was fortunate enough to know someone who led a twelve-step group for dysfunctional families and asked her about what I was feeling. There were days that I could just hardly cope with my 2 year old and her needs, because I was churning with emotions. She said, "Congratulations! You are starting to heal. This will be the beginning of more freedom than you have ever known. There are events in your life that you will need to face, and grieve. You will learn new patterns of coping. It is emotionally hard work, but it takes the sting out of these memories and breaks their hold on your life."
I joined her group and found her words were true. The first surprise I found was that there were others whose lives were very similar to mine. It is so freeing to realize that and know that there are others to understand and walk along side you as you deal with these things. We tend to be so self-protective that that is often a new experience, to feel so safe with someone new in our lives.
Here are a few odds and ends of insights I received from my time in the 12 step program.
I found that we take on certain roles in our dysfunctional family. Mine was that of the peacemaker. My mother would complain to me and I would go talk to the "offender" to try to smooth things out and keep the emotional explosions from happening. One time I went to my brother with an issue and he said, "I wondered who she would get to deliver the message". That remark hit me right between the eyes and I felt incredibly betrayed and "set up" by my mother. Even though she did not tell me to go to him, it was just the way things went in our family. I went to my Pastor, who gave me a new perspective. He pointed out that instead of helping, as I was trying so hard to do, I was actually allowing them to never confront their problems with each other. He showed me that these were not my problems to fix and God did not intend for me to take them on. I left the office that day feeling like a ten ton weight had been removed from my shoulders.
Another way that the past affected me showed it's head when I would call a repairman to fix something at my house and they didn't come the day they said they would. I couldn't figure out why I would feel so incredibly angry about it. After all, it wasn't as if I had taken a day off from work to be there. Annoyance and irritation would fit the situation, but what I felt was almost a rage. As I explored my feeling, I saw that I was feeling as if I didn't matter, as if I was totally insignificant to them. That echoed so many childhood experiences that I reacted from my pain that was still there from so many years ago. Once I faced those feelings and grieved for those painful things that happened to me, I lost the excessive emotion in that sort of situation.
Often, as we sat in our 12 step group, someone would share their situation and it would echo our own. It might be something about my life that I could relate without emotion, but when I would hear someone else talk about it, I would feel those feelings and get through that, or receive some sort of insight I could apply to my life. For example, I never realized that I was depressed, because I didn't show it in the same way as others I knew. But when someone else said that they just got real busy when they were depressed, I realized that I did that too. At that point I could not just quietly sit, without being busy.
I hope that some of these things can help you. If these are similar to what you are experiencing, seek out a twelve step group for dysfunctional families. The one I went to was sponsored by a Christian group called Alcoholics for Christ. Another one I have heard good things about is Overcomers Outreach.
This journey wasn't an easy one at times, but the pain of healing is there for a season and leaves you free. You won't regret it. And as you heal, your Children become emotionally healthier too. They learn better ways to deal with life problems so they won't repeat our mistakes.
I'll be praying for you.
Kathy

Thanks Kathy. You were the peacemaker in your family, and I was too. I have a twin brother, and he would tell my parents off, and I would feel the pain of his words to my parents. A dysfunctional family is so right. My mother was the one who had a lot of control in this family. My dad was the peacemaker, and didn't like to rock the boat.

As far as attending a group, not right now. I have so much going on with group sessions (12 week program) for battered wives, counseling individually, and getting things downsized here, and finding out ways for me to go back to school, plus taking care of this family, and all and taking a art class for fun and helping MIL with her move and redoing the house she is moving into. I am going to print out what you said, good information. If you have more I would be interested.

I did talk to my counselor today, and he said I am suffering post traumatic stress syndrome. During my hsubands affair, my father was diagnosed with cancer, and he was very ill. And then his death came. So that was hard to deal with. And yes, I miss my father and the talks we used to have. Also, during my husbands affair, my husband talked to me in such disrespectful language, shoved me, hurt me physically (torn rotator cuff), and he was so in the foogggg... that he called me and the kids names. He threw things, when nothing went his way. And we got in his "FACE". He was an angry man, and this is so hard to deal with, when this is the man I trusted with my body and soul. He is much better now. But I am scarred and it is going to take time to heal the wounds. So I am in PTSS syndrome which has side effects and symptoms. I didn't tell the counselor yesterday when I saw him, cause I felt I was still under control pretty much. But today, it is getting worse. My counselor also said it is the healing process. Stated it will get worse maybe, and that is part of the healing process. I too, work my butt off when I get this way. Even today, I am sick, with a cold and chest cough. I went outside, just to do something, and then came in and laid down for a nap, went outside, and came back in and laid on the couch. The symptoms, are driving me crazy. I am nervous, and biting my nails. I cried outside, to God. I talked to the dogs, 4 of them. And worked and worked.

Today, was one of the worst days. I am short with my mother, and my MIL. I can't stand it right now to hear them complain. The complaining is driving me nuts. I can't stand to hear the kids complaining when I give them a chore. I can't stand to be in this house for I don't feel safe here right now. The only time I feel safe, is under my covers, and then I am having a hard time sleeping. Maybe this could be some of the side effects of withdrawal of narcotics. I was taken off a narcotic for pain. Which I have been on since the end of October. I know my dreams are bizarre, and I don't tell anyone about my dreams. They are hurtful to others, and hurtful to me. Many dreams I am fighting for my life, and stressed out to the max. I will wake up sweating and heart racing.

Just don't like what is happening, and I am somewhat scared. No one to talk to about this, so here I am talking to you. I don't want to worry my mother, and my MIL, will just say take something. And I don't want to scare the kids. So I deal with it myself, and try to cry outside away from everyone. Maybe this will go away shortly. I am to call my counselor tomorrow, and he will take time to talk to me on the phone. I just don't like how I feel, and I am scared.

I have been busy all day. Now I am going to take a long hot bubble bath and chill out. My chest is getting tight with the cold. And I have had a slight fever today. At least I made homemade chicken soup yesterday. So dinner was easy, warm it up and everyone help themselves.

Time to soak, and breath in the hot vapors for the chest cold. Bye. and Thanks.

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Doofus-

Hope you get this since it's an old thread. But why do you have a "penchant for prostitutes"? I'm very curious. Is it prostitutes in particular that you like or frequent? Don't you feel unsafe, esp. if you are/were married?

Too

Yes, there are situations where an oversensitive/insecure person can overreact, then have a hard time figuring out if they are right or not. If you were verbally abused growing up, you get more confused and aren't as strong at "statements" and your own needs. You tend to be a caregiver and likely let people go over the line where there should be boundaries. I know, I'm this way. I married a man who did the same, verbal, then physical, calls and maybe affairs with other women, blamed me, hurt me, criticized me. I too had my father get cancer and just when I needed support from my husband he hurt me the most. I called the police, turned him in, after enough incidents and now he's on probation and is in classes for domestic violence.

Is it post tramatic stress disorder, or is in that your entire world, what you thought it should be is turned upside down? You thought the person you could love and trust would support you, he didn't, instead he hurt you. You were insecure and likely a little niave. You failed to see the red flags, but some button pushers are great at hiding them. There's a great book out called Button Pushers and how to deal with them by the same Christian authors who wrote the Boundaries books. I learned from that book, I think my husband really is a button pusher, I think he gets joy from making me upset and bringing me down. Just today I dropped by the house, brought the baby, had dreams we'd reconcile and he pushed my buttons, seemed to have a look of enjoyment on his face. I told him I was out the door and I was. I'm at a coffee shop working while he watches the baby all day. There is NO MORE of this, that is my line, I will not be hurt, criticized or be drug into his petty world. NO MORE.

Here's what's helping me get my sanity back. I limit interaction with him. I've only seen him three times in the past three months. I moved five hours away, which was hard financially and otherwise but I needed space. Time and space helps. I started eating better, went on the South Beach diet, lost weight, started exercising more for my stress, and I did take anti-depressants. I didn't want to but my dad is dying of cancer on top of my husband and I was losing it. Now I'm done with the "crisis" part of this and I'm feeling better. Counseling helps but are your counselors overanalyzing? Sometimes I think counselors manipulate too, they are in it for money and profit. In my case I found space much more helpful then counseling, I quit counseling. One counselor was honest with me and said I'd analyzed enough, I understood how abusive my husband was and that I needed space, time, healing. Another shrink at a time in my life when I'm dealing with enough, wanted me to go back and do the childhood analysis and such, it's too much for me, and I already know about some of my past that made me too trusting, not able to trust my feelings, made me attracted to guys that manipulate... it's up to you though, if you want to keep counseling going to groups, you might be at a stage that you need it.

It's spring, go enjoy some fresh air, go on some hikes, look at the leaves coming out, read some positive books, not just negative... take a class, meet new people, try to get outside of yourself and put this in perspective a little bit. You'll be ok, you'll get through this, I am on my way. I was in a major crisis in December/January. I'm getting stronger, today my husband couldn't even manipulate me - and I saw right through him. Which means if and when I divorce him no button pusher or manipulative man will get me again. Build your self esteem, if that means going outside of your comfort zone - perhaps it is starting with classes with other women, but also find healthy people at church or other avenues to support you.

Best wishes...