As a newcomer, I have just finished the MB tour. I'm overwhelmed, but encouraged by this wonderful site. Am looking for advice for my situation: Married in 2001 and moved into my husband's house. Problem: we have no joint/community property and he informed me he never intended to make this house legally "ours". Says the house is his kids 1st and foremost, then his. My attempts at making this a "home" were unsuccessful. Talks of selling the house and buying something new were just that -- talk. Domino effect after that. I have been reluctant to contribute finacially to a house that doesn't belong to both of us. Downward spiral from there. Add the fact that my husband started drinking after 3 years of sobriety and you get 2 very unhappy people. I have been in counseling (she told me last August to "leave the jerk")and he refuses to go. He wants an uncontested divorce. I am clinging to the slim hope that this marriage can be ressurected. Any advice greatly appreciated!!

IrishLass,

As you can see from my sig line, I have dealt with alcoholism for a long time. It is heartbreaking to keep attempting to have a relationship with someone who just simply can't or won't fully participate.

Before you make any decisions I would suggest going to alanon for at least 6 months. Really go to listen and learn. If you work at it, you should begin to have clarity as to what you need to do for yourself.

Even at MB, the Harley's say that until he has stopped the addiction, you can't really build a relationship. It takes 2 to have a real rich fullfilling relationship and when one is drinking then there is only one participant in the marriage.

Really ask yourself "Do I really want this man?" What if he never sobered up? What if he did? Is this a heallthy relationship? ( I didn't even know what that was or what it took because I spent so many years in a sick relationship)

You sound like you might be pretty young and if you don't have kids, really think this through why you want this man.

There are others on this board that deal with these same issues. Hopefully they will post as well to give you some different perspectives.

Blessings,

D.

I totally agree with WGTT. Sorry but there is not alot of hope for alcoholic marriages. The alcohol abuse is insidous and will never appear as the culprit in destroying what is good but alcoholism is covert at times and slowly sucks the life out of everything. I was married 34 years and still get confused when I try to figure it all out. When I read Alanon material and look back, I see a marriage with only one person wanting to be married...and act married. I spent so many years trying to change myself and beating myself up cause things were not working or getting completely better. I changed eventually so things did get better in some ways but there was always a wedge between WS and myself that we could not remove.....alas alcohol. The drinking kept WS from handling problems, from understanding his feelings, from making good decisions, and from connecting with others. Then along comes a cute bimbo and the rest is history. WS thought OW was the ultimate connection til time went on. It is not so ultimate now.

I spent many months thinking that we could recover and repair damage from the A when I finally became fully aware of the fact that I was the only one working on the M .....All that is said about the addicted person not being able to be a part of a family unit is right on. A sober person can stay married to an alcohol abuser but you have to learn to accept completely what that person is and not expect what normal couples can expect from each other. That is totally a choice that a sober person needs to make......to live with alcoholism or live without the alcoholic. Alanon can teach you how to keep the focus on yourself but I could never accept the waywadness of the alcoholic and did not want to co-exist as roommates. It felt like abondonment to me and rightly so.

Sorry to say----the success of rebuilding is slim for the addicted and their spouses. Do a search on Bramblerose....she is married to an alcoholic and they are rebuilding their M after an A.

Keep reading and learning. You will change and what you learn will help you make good decisions.

TW

Lass,i see lots of problems with saving your situation,first is the drinking, WHY go back after you have stopped?? Clearly he's got problems, guess he forgot why he stopped. FORGET ALANON, why is it all the normal people need to have support groups to cope with sick people?Their sick by choice, no one forces people to drink, why do you need that?? I have several alcholics in my family,and they all talkj a good story about getting sober, but they go right back after being sober for many months, its a lifestyle, and If they cant break the lifestyle they fall off the wagon. THE HOUSE, he wants his kids to have it, tells the whole story to me, maybe he dont trust you,? Drunks who dont quit for good are losers, make this a life lesson and move on.

This is the response to fortyone -- you know I don't think she should forget Alanon...As a person that is trying to recover from the post-traumatic stress of being married to an alcoholic for 15 years I can say thank God for those support groups...Why are we all on this board, because we need someone to talk to that is in our situation...that is what Alanon is all about, taking care of you and not the Alcoholic...I think the more support you get the better...yes the Alcoholic is sick but we are too if we accept it and don't do anything about it....if I am wrong please forgive me but didn't I see a post from you that said something like Why do we keep doing this???? Because we are just as sick for staying in it....All I can say is be strong and know that you are not alone, get all the help you can and remember....YOUR life is now beginning and the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer the oncoming train.....

Hugs

I second momma, go to alanon for you. If you chose an alcoholic, you are likely to do it again, or stay in a sick relationship and get sick (er) by doing so. With recovery in alanon, you may choose to stay in the relationship, yet be content, calm, joyous, and all those wonderful things by detatching with love.

Alanon is for family and friend of alchoholics. You don't know how much alcolism has REALLY affected your life until you begin to recover. It's for you, not to get the acoholic sober. AA is for those who want it, not those who need it. We are responsible for our own feeling, attitudes and actions.

Lass, come back to post & let us know how you are doing.

D.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Hello and thanks for the feedback from mommax8, tossedwave and WillGetThruThis!! Fortyone, (here's the honesty part)I am feeling you are an extremely angry person and get bad feelings from your replies. There. Nothing personal especially since I don't even know you, but I have read your messages on other posts and just don't get any "warm fuzzies" from you.

My H told me before we married that he was a recovering alcoholic. He was regularly attending meetings and had been sober for 3 years. Very open and suggested I go to some meetings with him. I never did. I have never been involved in a relationship or have had any family members with addictions, so this was a new one for me.

We dated for a year before marriage, however, I moved into his house 2 months before our marriage. I have 18 y/o twin Ds from a prior marriage. He has a S 13 and a D 8 and has somewhat joint custody. Since we had both been married before, we had many conversations about blending families, step-children, etc. I recall his many comments that he was a "package deal" meaning I had to take him and his kids. Was that a RED FLAG? In hindsight, we should have discussed all the legal issues of home ownership, insurance policies, Wills, at great length before we married. I never in a million years thought my H would refuse to put my name on the deed to the house (it's paid for and was paid for from his mother's estate)or to purchase life insurance, disability insurance, etc. If he dies tomorrow, his ex-W takes control of the house and I am out on the street according to the law in this state. However, if he is injured on the job and becomes disabled, I am responsible for ALL his debt even though NOTHING is in my and/or our name(s).

I admit I went about trying to get him to do these things in all the wrong ways. Too many demands and he was never comfortable with me even tellin his kids to get washed up before dinner, etc. In discovery I learned he did the same thing with his ex-wife. When the house was purchased, her name was excluded from the title. More recently, before things started to disintigrate, he told me his mother told him to NEVER put his wife's name on the deed to the house.

In his eyes, his ex W spent all of his children's inheritance (gee, why didn't he cancel all those credit cards, etc?)and all he has left to give his kids is the house.

Sorry. In my mind, when a man and a woman make a lifetime commitment to each other, we give each other what we brought to the marriage.

So, I started to withdraw and I gave less and less toward the marriage financially. It was always made clear to me that the house belonged to H and his kids. Then he said if I would show a consistent pattern of contributing more financially to the bills FOR ONE YEAR, then he would THINK about putting the house in both names or selling it and buying something together.

Talk about stubborn! I don't know who is more stubborn, me or my H?!?

A bit about my daughters. One of them was living with me when we moved into H's house. Difficult daughter, full of anger, etc. After 2 weeks, she ended up back at her dad's house with her sister. At that point, both my daughters "wrote me off" and vowed never to speak to me again. Very jealous of my relationship, pending marriage, etc. Happy to say my relationship with my Ds is back on track. Kids are smart! I informed one of them that things were rapidly deteriorating in my marriage and she told me she already figured that out months before.

Rambling on, but hey, this is a great forum full of extremely caring individuals. Again, thanks!

Finally, I think MB is wonderful and wish I would have taken my SILs advice about it a YEAR AGO. Maybe my H would have given it a shot, cause he sure didn't want any part of MC.

I just don't think I want to be married to an alcoholic whose main belief is that all he has to give his kids is a piece of real estate!

I didn't figure out how to do the "signature" thing when I registered and am still decyphering the acronyms so I'll give it a shot here:

Me: 47 y/o
H: 46 y/o
Met: October 2000
Married: October 2001
H: Resumed drinking on our honeymoon cruise and hasn't quit since.