Hey Muzo, good to hear from you. Sorry it took so long to respond. I have not been doing much as far as MB lately at all. I don't exactly know why. Perhaps it is just that even though things have not been fabulous, they have not been anything that I haven't already prepared for and seen many times before. Therefore, they didn't seem to be that big of a deal.

As far as being controlled. My ex stated so many contradictory reasons for her behavior, every one of them my fault. I am surprised sometimes that she can do anything on her own currently because to hear her tell it, I controlled her heart rate as well as her blood pressure among every other thing that occurred in her life. It is truly amazing how things occur.

I have limited contact with my ex incredibly. In fact we rarely speak, and then only about the boys. She goes off, and I just try to be nice. Or as nice as I possibly can. However, that doesn't mean that I agree with her or comply with her lunacy. I just let it slide and let it go. She has her own life, and doesn't want to be a part of mine any longer, other than to have me finance her life. I will not do that, but I will ensure that my boys are well taken care of in every way. I feel that if that entails a little more money since she just has to spend her money on new shirts and shoes for herself, then tell me that she doesn't have enough money for her own children's shoes, then so be it. I would be rightful in refusing, however it would not bring me closer to my goal of ensuring my children's well being. I just let it ride, and know that no matter what, I worked for my money. I support my children. I was true to my family and especially my wife, far beyond what anyone else would ever do for the likes of her. I am at peace with my behavior and with God. I will make a wonderful life for my children, and they will grow up to know what being a good man, father, and husband means.

As far as the controlling, you will have to determine the cost of allowing her control versus the cost of negating that control. Allowing my wife to control this financial aspect, regardless of law or right, has allowed me to live a relativly peacful existence. This is worth more than the money to me. I would pay to not have to put up with the crap that I have had to deal with for so long. That is how I look at it. How much are you willing to do/pay/give in order to have some semblence of peace and rightness in your life? It is easy to say, "what is right" or "The law says..." But regardless of those things, you still have to deal with the insanity. Sometimes the best way to deal with it is to not confront it. Other times, I believe that the best way is to merely ignore it and go on with what you are doing.

Make a pact with yourself about what is really important to you. If it is your children, then everything that you do must relate to what is best for them in all aspects. Not what is right. Not what is appropriate. But what is best for them. That little thing right there has given me such freedom. Everything that I do must put my boys in a better place. That does not mean giving in to her every whim. That is not benefiting them. But a certain calmness in my ex certainly does help my children. Being that now, she just goes up to her room and watches TV while they play video games downstairs. I realize that this is not best for them. However, there is no way for me to change it by confronting her. I must do it through my boys. I must instill in them the understanding that too much TV or video games is not in their best interests. Even if they really like to do it.

I must teach my boys everything that they will need to know, because I realize that I not only must do this, but I must overcome the example that she is leading them towards simply because she believes a different way. I cannot force them or her to do things at her house. I must teach my boys the merits of hard work and other things in order for them to make the choices that will be beneficial to them in their future. Whether that be deciding whether to play video games or play outside.

Control.... Control.... I have no way of understanding how to deal with control. I merely don't deal with her at all if I can help it. I don't respect her. I would never choose to associate with someone who chose the way she has, and continues to choose the way she does. I would never agree with those choices, so why should I pretend to do it now, just because she is my ex? Simply put, I will not. However, that is not important. What is important is getting what I want out of my interaction with her, and her important thing is to get what she wants out of her interaction with me. Very simple. I want time with my boys. I want to have a major influence, nay, I want to BE the major influence on their lives. She wants to be financially secure. She believes that her financial security lies within her association with my boys. She knows that without a hold on them, she is nothing to me. However, what she doesn't understand is that I would be so willing to provide more for HER if I had more time with them. She simply cannot believe me in that way. So I must come to the middle with her and give her what makes her feel secure in order for her to help me to feel secure in my time. I have 50/50, however I also have a Y chromosome which immediately puts me at a disadvantage. That is OK. I can raise my boys to be good men with only 50% of the time I should have to do it in. My boys are incredibly smart and insightful. I am completely capable and willing. They will be fine, so I realize that nothing, no matter how unjust, matters concerning her. It is simply the price I pay to be able to have the opportunity to be a good father.

Muzo, I don't know what to tell you man. I just would say to figure out what you end goal is, then do everything, no matter what, that puts you towards that goal. My filter of "Is it good for my boys?" has made everything easy for me.

Take care. I will try to stop in soon.

PS I havn't been playing, but gave my oldest boy, 10, the option of a drum set, guitar, or keyboard for his 10th birthday. He still hasn't completely made up his mind, but I think he is leaning towards the keyboard. I am kind of glad, because he was wanting the drums, and I only remembered how noisy I must have been for my parents when I started them, AFTER I heard him banging around on them at the music store. Needless to say, I adamantly pointed out the benefits of the other two choices after that.

FC, old chap!
Yeah, I also gave MB a bit of a break for a bit, and post infrequently now.

Thanks for the benefit of your experience with your ex-
I know all too well about wanting the peace, as well as stability in her for the boys' sakes. I tend to agree.
She tends to lean on me when its not going well with OMBF, and I listen and offer advice. During these times, it seems as if she really listens, and so I hope what I say gets through to her in some way. She looks so lost during those conversations, my heart goes out to her in her present state of mind.

She's really struggling with issues of morality within herself. The BF she's seeing, is still very much living with his GF + 3 kids. The other day she tells me a co-worker flirts openly with her, and her response to him was :..."aren't you MARRIED?..." On another occasion she tels me,..." ..I would NEVER get involved with a married man,.............that's where I draw the line....". ; as if relating this to me convinces me of her moral integrity. I had previously pointed out to her that the BF's common-law wife had hopes and aspirations, and that SHE was the OW, the home-wrecker, whose only interests were self-serving without any accountability, moral or otherwise.
So she DOES think on these things, and it manifests itself in these little exchanges with me. She had previously stated that morality was a set of "man-made rules", and had nothing at all to do with doing the "right thing".
I sent her an almost legal rebuttal, in which I stated that "doing the right thing" is precisely that which has given rise to "morality", if one refuses to accept the divine nature of it's gift to us, as well as conscience as our guide.....that a whole list of things she has been guilty of, fall into the category of "failing to do the right thing", by OM's wife, her children , and our own family, which she sacrificed on the altar of selfishness, and for the sake of an unholy union with someone who is a proven liar, a champion of deceit (when she 1st slept with him she had no idea he was in a long live-in relationship), and a prize promise-breaker( 1 year down the line, he is still with his CL-W ).

I told her that there was no shame in admitting to others & herself that she had badly mis-judged, and acted rashly, and had been expertly manipulated by a curd without conscience., that the shame was all his. (not entirely true, you can see that, but the Bilble speaks of " men who take advantage of weak-willed women", and that's what I'm referring to here). I hope she has the strength to break & recover from this. What makes matters worse, is that one of her closest friends, who had also been a voice of conscience for her, has now herself ALSO fallen for the charms of a married man. Go figure.

Daily I manage to delicately extricate myself from the mangled fabric of her personal life, and I am becoming better at it. Just today she SMS'd me to listen to some music she was listening to on the radio, wanted to share it with me (our joint love of music was a huge influence in our history), and a few weeks ago I may have thought, or made more of it than now. I sent a reply an hour later, when the show ended, which was polite, but not encouraging of a response. She asked me to bring my folks around to her place, and have supper with her & the boys, which I did last night. It was an OK, pleasant evening, and that was it. I've made peace with the fact that it's over, and that's that.
She wants desperately to be friends, but I've told her I cannot be hers, while she continues to undulge in such behaviour.

The most difficult times for me to be strong, are the times she appears to be breaking with OM, but I've caught her out on occasion, where she has actually LIED to me about it! She's lied about still seeing OM. Why on EARTH would she do this? Anyway, it's enough for me not to take her seriously on this. She needs to grow up on her own now.

Stay well FC! You're doing great! pick up the guitar again...

muzohead