Hello all my friends out there in MB forum land. Today, I am going to court with my bipolar, BPD, sexually addicted, anger-a-holic stbxH, and I am nervous as hell. I am virtually bracing myself for every lie in the book AND for Mr. Charming to show up and "prove" to them what an evil witch I am!

Right now we are disputing basically four items: child support, maintenance, Division of real estate property, and debts. As of this minute, there are no temporary orders in place, so he's been gone for 4 months and only paid $100 toward supporting his own children. When I ask for a little money, he says (and this is a quote): "Only when a court FORCES me to!!" Sigh. It's pathetic.

Anyway, yesterday I was pretty knotted up about this and I printed off all the state statutes for my state and read them (with a highlighter) AND all the commentary and legal discussion stuff from a MEN AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE website. I figured I'd go right into the enemy's territory and learn! So I studied up and came to a realization: what was giving my knots in my stomach was not so much the laws or going to court or the lies that I know he'll say...it's trying to be a cold-hearted b*tch that was eating me alive. I'm just NOT a cold-hearted person and I can't do that--even though I was trying to be just as heartless as he is being. Remember my "harden my heart" post?? I can't do it. I just don't have a hard heart!!

So I gave myself permission to be the person I want to be. Just because HE'S being a jerk doesn't mean I have to be! I decided--I made a conscious decision--to just state the facts as I see them...to document all my facts...and to ask for everything that the law would allow me. From that point, if the magistrate decides that based on the merits of the case I should get less or I'm not due maintenance or whatever, I'll accept it. On the other had, if I do not ask for everything to which I am entitled, I have no chance of getting it. I also decided to heed the post from petermg on my other thread and pray for my stbxH...and be polite to him when he is mean and awful to me...and BE the person I am inside while simultaneously protecting my heart from allowing him opportunities to hurt me. No need to sit back and LET him hurt me, but there's also no need to do back to him what he's been doing to me. I don't want to--I want to be joyful and peaceful.

Regarding child support and custody, luckily we have reached a fairly good arrangement that works for him and I and the kids. My children are teenagers, and for most of their life, their dad has not been very involved. However, when we separated, rather than taking the stance that he's a mentally ill, rage-a-holic, sexually addicted deviant who couldn't parent a puppy--instead I encouraged them to spend time with him as much as possible, and now he's the one who can't handle it or cancels or doesn't have time. It's nothing personal, but the responsibility of raising two teenage children really is just too much for him to handle! So he works all he wants--sees the kids on prescribed nights during the week--and on weekends we are flexible with bowling or baseball games where he can see them or "play" with them a few hours. It works out pretty well. The BIG question of course is going to be if he now tries to change that schedule just so he can pay less child support!

Anyway, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. Today, I am mostly praying the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I know that these court dates NEVER turn out with a win and a loss--usually both parties lose some of what they think they have a right to...but I'm hoping for at least temporary orders of child support...orders that the kids and I can stay in the house...and maybe--just maybe--some maintenance. That would be nice. I'm willing to be happy with CHILD SUPPORT though!!!

Send me your warm thoughts and prayers!!

CJ

your the woman, you already won, enjoy!!! but seriously, the judges dont look kindly on people who dont support the kids, he's in for it just for that, I predict the judge will award you the HIGH END of the child support table for that alone. property settlement usually goes by what was owned PRE MARRIAGE and what was post marriage, so its all $$$$ and cents there...

God bless you and your family. Stay strong and take the high road. My lawyer says to look sympathetic and not attacking or aggressive.
Whatever your get in the settlement is for the children, not for you.

I can steal your profile and edit it only slightly for my case.
H:Passive/Aggressive; emotionally abusive; several personality disorders
Me: Codependent;

Am praying for you and totally understand what is going on with you.

You are indeed the winner here. You fought for your marriage, was a wonderful mother and still are, and stood tall for the kids during this mess. And you remained a faithful wife and very much a lady. cheers to you.

Let us know asap about outcome? We need to hear your story and know and are expecting a good surprise from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, my dear friends, it went better than I expected. I am pleased to say that by 2am last night, I had all my ducks in a row, all my evidence copied, and I was prepared in my mind and body for court today. Not to say that I was "armed to the teeth", but I was PREPARED and I felt peacefully ready.

On my way to the courthouse I prayed the Serenity Prayer several times--I even carried a card with me in my pocket as a reminder. So I walked into the courtroom ready to accept the things I could not change, but courageous enough to ask for changes to the things I could change. This was our second status conference, and I was correct in my guess that Mr. Charming would show up (in other words, he acted very cooperative and charming), so I used that to my advantage a little and I spoke up for myself. Amazingly, we reached several tolerable agreements.

First, we agreed to modify the Restraining Order to allow for us to meet in public places (such as a restaurant or a mediator's office, etc.) to discuss matters of business, visitation, or the divorce. I felt safe with that, because he does not general act up in public, and it makes it a little easier to be in the same room sometimes. We also modified to allow phone calls TO THE CHILDREN or REGARDING BUSINESS but if either of us says we don't want to talk, it must be over and no harrassing calls or calling 15X. I'm not sure how this will go, but we'll see. He really wanted to be able to call the kids and I told the magistrate I'd give it a go.

Then we discussed money a little. He tried to say I abandoned the business, and rather than interrupting or getting angry, I just let him talk. Then it was my turn, and I just said that from my point of view things were a little different: I left the business and got a job to support the kids and I when he moved out of state and had a 6-month affair; when he moved back home, the business was damaged and has never really recovered; while I worked at the other job, in the evenings and on weekends I still worked for him too; and when he asked me to quit my job and help him, I did only to have him leave it all to me and go to another company. Since then I have been the one who has stayed with the company and kept it going. Well, to make a long meeting short (heehee) she basically told him that he has got to cooperate and work with me on keeping the business going--that it's fair to ask to be paid for any service he provides, but that he can not just stop working and then claim that I abandoned the business. YAY! So, in 3 weeks we are meeting with her again, with documentation of how he has or has not chipped in, what income has or has not come in, what potential there is if he chips in, etc.

Finally, we discussed child support. She said that at this time there is not enough evidence of income presented to make an order, but then she turned to him and said, "But you are their father and you have a duty to your children. This can not continue and you must assist them or I'll get you. Start supporting your children." Yeah, it's a slap on the wrist, but it felt a bit validating. Once again, in 3 weeks we are meeting her with income documentation both from what we did in the business and what we each made individually--plus, I can have his EMPLOYER send in what he's made...not what he "claims" (because of course, he will forget to claim the $13K deal he just signed!). So THAT'S a huge relief. At the meeting in 3 weeks, as the magistrate put it, we will be crunching numbers and assigning amounts.

YAY!! Double YAY. Throughout the hearing there were a few times I was emotional (like talking about the kids--she asked how they were doing), but all-in-all I felt like I did REALLY well, and I felt REALLY good about the outcome. When the hearing was over, the magistrate thanked us for being grown-ups and behaving like adults, and keeping on my side of the street, I just thought, "I am proud of myself for the way I was prepared and the way I behaved. I wasn't hard-hearted, but I was calm and resolved."

Good for me! I didn't get a specific amount of child support ordered today, but I do see a light at the end of a 3 week tunnel, and I'm hopeful that some of that nice scolding will shake something loose and he'll at least volunteer a little. Starting today, I'm taking NOTES!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and hugs and warm thoughts--I could really feel them, and I think God was really there with me giving me His peace.

CJ

Congratulations, and thank you for reminding me about the Serenity Prayer. I think I need to use it more.

CJ will you come to court with me at my custody hearing!!! You did so great!!! I will try to learn from you and your resolve....

KUDO's

cj, So glad to hear that things went so well for you in court. You were well prepared and stated your case eloquently, but at the same time, you were in a place of acceptance. Good for you!

I'm meeting with my new lawyer for the first time this week and I'm finally going ahead with the divorce. Wish me luck!

{{{CJ}}}

I'm so proud of you! The splitting of assets is just valueing things and splitting it 50/50, so numbers only. Child/spousal support comes from the incomes of both parents and the amount of custody time that is involved. Again, a number crunch and the Dissomaster comes up with a number and that is generally what gets thrown up as the final supports.

It's wierd to have a life split up in number form, but makes it easier if both parties are upfront about incomes.

I wish I could focus as well as you did. I've had too many buttons pushed lately and almost feel as emotional as I was 2.5 years ago. I KNOW better, but just can't seem to settle.

Good job! You're going to do fine with this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lori