Today I received a letter from my husband (we've been living under separate roofs for 10 months) saying that he wants a divorce. He started an affair in the summer of 2001, and things have finally gotten to this point. I am plan B'ing -- no contact unless absolutely necessary. Here in Switzerland I have an ace up my sleeve. If I don't want a divorce, there is a four-year waiting period from time of legal separation. Naturally I hold out hope that our relationship will turn around during these years, and I have read too many letters in this forum from people who jumped into divorce. I also have a malevolant desire to punish him for what he's done to me.

People think I'm crazy for wanting to wait. Conventional wisdom outside of Marriage Builders is that once you go down the road to divorce there is no turning back. Any thoughts?

BridgetJones

Bridget-

What if you decide to contest the divorce and he makes your life a living hell for it?? Can you change your mind and un-contest it??

Yes, his making my life miserable is something to think about. But I do believe that I am free to change my mind before the four years are up.

making him wait 4 years is counter productive and is wasting your time, he's moved on, whats going to bring him back??Let him have his divorce, and later if he wants you back make him beg, that could be even better!!! If two people were meant to be together a divorce cant stop it from happening again.

Yes, maybe I'll pay the price for not giving him the divorce. But he is in a thick midlife crisis fog, exacerbated by our move to Switzerland and his giving up his work to stay home with our child (This is just not done in this highly traditional country and he has been so disrespected that his self-esteem is pea-size.) Under these circumstances I don't think he is thinking straight. He succumbs to the advice of others -- the OW is just now getting a divorce.

Perhaps I'm crazy, but I told my husband that when his relationship with the OW ends and when he is employed and his situation has normalized, we should seek counseling. If we truly appear to have irreconcilable differences at that time, then he can have his divorce.

But this year we've been together 28 years and have a 16-year-old son. I'm damned if I'm going to throw this all out the window for what I consider a "blip" in the relationship. I am a few years older, and I had my own blip a few years back myself complete with a crush with a guy in his twenties. I am a bit mortified about my own behavior, but it has past.

Anyhow, if my husband torments me, I can always opt out.

If there are not going to be any negative financial ramifications for you, I think absolutely you should wait the four years. Maybe if more OW's knew they would have to wait that long before they could get what they are after, they might think twice about going after a married man.

Unless your joint assets are in Switzerland, I'm pretty sure that he can divorce you based on his place of residence's laws. If his laws are less than Switzerland's laws, then it's only a matter of time before he can file based on involuntary separation... after all... you're in Swtizerland. He'll get the divorce and move on with life while you continue to Plan B.

I don't recall punishment as being part of Plan B. I'm not the best person to talk about revenge though as I'm after the OM in a big way. My punishment for my WW is that I'm going to have a tremendously successful life, realize all the dreams I once shared with her, and have a wonderful life.

The risk of Plan B is that they don't come back. If you're sincere about Plan B, and he's sincere about dv... then the mature thing is to wipe your hands of bad memories, capture the good ones and lessons learned and move on.

Well said Lyxa, very wise and thoughtful response.

Bridget,

I have been in your shoes, and wore the soles out. Ideas of revenge always seem to backfire on us. I say put it all in God's in-box, and walk away knowing you did all you could. Have no regrets Honey.

Now, if I could only follow my own advice, I'd have it made.

Lv,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Well said Lyxa, very wise and thoughtful response.

Bridget,

I have been in your shoes, and wore the soles out. Ideas of revenge always seem to backfire on us. I say put it all in God's in-box, and walk away knowing you did all you could. Have no regrets Honey.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I might echo these thoughts. But I would like to add that you need to put your son first. What is he learning from all of this? You've got to think about how he interprets both of your actions and how he will apply it to future relationships.

That being said, I also echo Resilient's statement about practicing what I preach...

I think I would wait. This is because Harleys say that most affairs end at the two year mark. I am unfortunately past that now, but then I figure the two years is an average, so I would have liked to be given that opportunity, at one point. Now, no, now that we are divorced, and it is over, I do not want to go back. But had I the choice at the time, I would have waited.

Love and light,

Jacky