I have been married for 16 years and with my husband since I was 14. i am now 34 with 2 children. My husband has been abusive both physically and mentally many times over the years. We have sought counselling and nothing seems to work. I feel trapped! He also had an affair last year and I took him back mostly for the kids sake. I am a very successful business person but have had my self esteem broken down. I know that I cannot live like this but can't seem to find my way out. I feel that if I leave he will stalk me and take every measure to make my life miserable. Just as an example I travel with my work and when I return he goes out of his way to see me naked and gets enraged if I have shaved my legs! I am soooo mixed up and have no one to turn to Any suggestions or guidance would help.

Hi,<BR>You have a classic case of co-dependancy! Please call 1-800 NEW-LIFE. Get some info from them and then go to the bookstore and get two books. 1- Love is a Choice (Hemstead? Minrith and Meyer) 2- Boundaries (Townsen and Cloud). Both of these books will help you understand what is going on and help you make sense of it. You WILL need professional help. Please remember to love him THROUGH all of this. This will cause him (and you) a lot of hurt (but not harm). He will be very angry and defensive. It will help your marriage heal and get you both back on the right track. Left to ourselves, we will always degrade or go down hill. We need help to swim upstream sometimes. E-mail me if you want TGattino@aol.com Remember, BOTH of you are hurting. Do this out of a heart of love. Ted

Hi! You are not alone. I could almost have written your post, except for a few details, and I am trapped also. An attorney told me yesterday that You could get an order of protection which would separate you both for a year, but you must do it immediately after physical abuse or if there are threats of it. It would be like doing Dr. Harley's Plan B, which would give your spouse a chance to face himself and wake up. It is not good for you & I or our kids to be around abuse. <P>My situation has other complications, so I haven't separated yet but hope to soon.<BR>Hugs to you,<BR>Renae<P>

Thank you for your response.<BR>When I was in therepy they also indicated co-dependancy and I have read about it. I beleive it does soung like this is my problem.<BR>The big thing is breaking away from it. I just can't seem to end this relationship, I tell myself it is over and can't follow through. <BR>I live my life being so controlled, I get a promotion he is jealousy, I have a girlfriend and he has me and he seems to convince himself that we are gay! I no longer visit my mother because he can't stand me being out of his site. If I look nice and take care of myself I am having an affair. The kids are also sick of his yelling at me and putting me down. My daughter, I beleive, has no respect for him and becomes anxious when I am gone due to her seeing his abusive behaviour towards me.<P>So far I feel like I have become his therapist, always helping him cope with his wandering mind and bringing him back down to reality. I still feel like I am stuck in a body that is being guided by someone else. <P>When I am not with him I receive many compliments and make friends, but I am not allowed friends, it seems, so I never go out of my way to keep relationships going.<P>I also cannot seem to forget the past, when he starts up, yelling and threatening, I can only remember all the bad. I think of the time I was pregnant and he beat me so bad that may cheek was crushed with my face disfigured for months. WHat did I tell everyone, I fell and hot my head on a road block!<P>He has just returned from Florida amongst many women including the one he had an affair with. Am I jealous? Absolutley not! But guess who is being questioned and interigated? me!<P>I have begin to feel guilt and look guilty and I know the only thing that I am guilty of is trying to be myself.<P>I feel sorry for him he was abused as a child and has no friends himself as he has managed to push everyone away. <P>This means that I am now in a box with a lock that he has they key to.<P>Please help how do I get out! I no I have no love for him anymore and when he is around all he wants is sex! And all kinds!<BR>I cannot keep on I need to find a way out that won't put me and the kids at risk.<P>I tell myself I should leave but can't get to the door!

If you ask an attorney to get you an order for protection (from physical abuse), your spouse will have to leave the home. The attorney I saw this week said the Court wants the kids staying in the home, keeping their life as stable as possible while adjusting to their dad being gone. This keeps you & kids safe and gives your spouse a year away to face himself.<P>Reading books on Codependency and abuse really helped me out of the enmeshment and to regain my focus, my identity, and the strength to take the next steps. <P>Next, according to Matt. 18:15-19, I confronted H with the evil he was committing, I refused to accept it, and asked for specific changes. I asked him to attend Dr. Harley's seminar, but at the last minute he left me to go alone. I brought H to accountability for his actions before a counselor & pastor, and found that again he refused to change. This broke another string of codependency for me, namely that the days of "fixing" him or this relationship were done.<P>And now I went to an attorney to see about the order of protection and discussed issues<BR>about divorce. <P>This is the path I've been taking. You have one great key to independence--a job. (I've been home 14 yrs.!)<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited March 01, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited March 01, 2001).]

Renae,<BR>Thanks so much for your words of support. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.<BR>Yes, I do agree with you that having a job is certainly an asset. I did not have a job that paid enough to be on my own when he left me for another woman last year. I took him back at that time for financial reasons and made a commitment to myself that I would never be put in that position again. So I went out and got the job I wanted rather than a mindless job that he wanted me to have. You see he felt in control that I would never leave because I could not afford it. Anyway, now I earn more than him, I am sure this causes him trouble, and I still can't seem to break away. <P>Living this kind of life was not meant to be, for both of us, I believe that if I do move on I never want to have anything to do with a man again. <P>We are both very strong with our words and no doubt we both know what is happening but something holds us back. It is finding that something and being strong enough to capture it. <P>I have strayed from my faith, Roman Catholic, and cannot seem to find the strength to turn to it. Because God would never have made this so difficult.<P>H just returned from Florida and the kids and I are back to walking on eggshells. The whole home atmosphere changes. We commute together everyday, a 2 hour drive, anyway today was horrible. He started on me that I don't communicate, that I am having an affair with a gay business associate, and that I am an out right liar. It was awful. Then the I am leaving stuff started now I am left to find my own way home he wants his 2500.00 ring back so he can get an apartment. Anyway very nasty,<P>Now I am faced with do I follow through or do I wait and have him go through all of the I am sorry's and I will get help, I don't want to leave I don't know why I am like this.<P>Renae, it really is a circle that will never end we both need to wake up and as Dr. Laura would say "do the right thing"<P>Thanks again for your support <BR>K

Hi! I came back and edited my message, then saw your reply on the board! We are thinking of each other at the same time! ((hugs!))<P>I understand the incident you described! I get accused of being the liar too. It is the same thing over and over. I have seen enough to be convinced he is an ABUSER who is unwilling to mature.<P>Once H told the kids we might be separating, and I explained to them that he keeps hurting me and this isn't the way marriage is supposed to be. Now what am I teaching them by my staying here--that a woman should take it????!!! UGH!! <P>You are right! It is time for action!<P>I understand how you are affected spiritually. In time you will heal. I have come to know God in a deeper way. He is so much bigger than a church thing. He is personal, giving strength, wisdom, peace, & grace during this hardest of experiences. I can assure you also, the fault lies with these men who act of their own free will to commit this evil. And you and I are wiser and more compassionate because of this hardship, traits that launch us to a much fuller life. You have already found that this "stone in your shoe" is causing you to reach greater potential in serving others through work. Hardships are really an opportunity for your faith and relationship with God to grow to be better than ever! <P>Love & peace,<BR>Renae<BR>

sounds like you may have married a true myogynist (spelling?) or woman-hater. They want to control you, own you. They are abusive. They chip away at your self worth. Over a long period of time, you find yourself doing things to keep the peace you never thought you'd do. But it's so gradual you don't notice. <P>My best friend, is married for 17 years and it's like that for her. He is so verbally abusive it's sickening. He hates all women. He controls almost all that she does now. She's breaking away little by little. His jealousy is unreal. He says he hates himself for loving her so much, and that no-one can love her like he does.<P>You're probably familiar with the cycle of abuse...<P>I'm very sorry for what you're going through. It's probably very hard to build up and help the situation when he has been breaking it down little by little. You can take steps toward improving your life on a personal level, so you don't have to feel so helpless and controled. I hope he can get help, but regardless...you can help yourself and ensure a more positive future for you.<P>good luck