Uhhh.. For some reason I feel that I should meet my W's "Friend". I told her this tonight and she as pretty much agreed that she will let me meet him. I think I might have made a mistake. How am I going to meet him without kicking the hell out of him? What am I even going to say to him? I do want him to know that if he hurts her in anyway I will be there and I will do something. I just don't want to threaten him directly if you know what I mean. Am I stupid to even consider meeting him? I do really want to though. Oh boy.. I hope this goes okay.. God please be with me.

<small>[ March 30, 2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: ItsNOTMyFaultNOW ]</small>

You get the prize for stupid ideas that will make your life worse. Think a bit more clearly friend.

There are only 2 possible outcomes to this...
- You behave nicely... and thereby appear to condone the relationship. Are you a swinger?
- You do anything else... and thereby make things worse.

Cancel, make up and an excuse and cancel. If you love your spouse all you need to say is, "I'll be here for you if anything happens." But, since you're in this forum, I also need to point out that your spouse's life decisions neither need your condonation nor do you need to be there for her.

Well Lyxa, Thanks for being blunt. I understand what you're saying. I just don't know if I want to cancel. I will make it clear that I do NOT condone it. Of course I won't kick the crap out of him. I know that would make everything much worse. I don't know, one minute I do want to meet the next I don't. There is a good chance he will be at her appartment when I pick up my daughter. Its not like I'll never run into him. I just figured it would be better to have a set meeting with him rather than just running into the two of them somewhere. I'm sure either way it will be tough though. Thanks for your input.

Itsnotmyfault,

Dude, look at your signature name. Having this affair is HER decision, not your fault. Not sure of all the details surrounding your sitch but if I were you, based on the above, I would not meet the dude. What do you hope to gain from this and seeing them together? Inevitably this will probably come to pass so why expadite it? It really serves no useful purpose and will only cause more pain. Perhaps going to plan B, or some variation since you have kids, is in order. Ultimately, you want her to realize you are a better choice and if she is determined to carry on w/someone else well, then there's really not much you can do. Just be there for her in any way she will allow and until you cannnot, because there comes a time when you must cut the rope and let them find themselves...goodluckwithit

Hey, it's not myfault.

I think your reaction is normal. It may even help to face "the demon".

Perhaps he'll say "that's just too weird" and will not agree.

I think you have learned enough on MB that if you do meet you will show restraint and come out the victor in a way other than fighting.

Hugs,

ANNA

Thanks again for the advice, I appreciate it all.. Now Milsk1965, to clear it up a bit. She says the guy is "Just a Friend" and I believe her, right now.. But I know how that could develop into more. She says she has been faithful to me so far. I believe her. I may be a fool but I truely do believe her. That why I wanted to meet this guy, so I could maybe but a bug in his head. He's supposedly a Church going guy and all he has heard is her side of the story. I figured if he could meet me and see that I'm not that bad of a guy that maybe, just maybe his faith in the lord would make him realize he should be helping our marriage to get back together and not tear it apart. Hell, its worth a shot. I'm an all or nothing kinda person.

Anna, thanks for the support.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are brave. Just remember how God is really the one in control. No matter how you react, good or bad, you always make the choice to let Him control you. Don't assume this guy will see any good in you or do what you want him to. Why would you even want her back? Remember the control thing? It goes for her too. I'm in a similar situation and I let myself believe that I had enough influence to show him the right path. Don't make the same mistake I did. Pray for her, pray for him and pray for yourself. God will do the rest. Sometimes the choices He makes for us aren't the choices we want. Later you will see that God is in fact making the right choices for you. God Bless. I'll pray for you.

Aly

Hello, it's not my fault.

I can completely understand why you feel you want to meet this guy - I have gone through the whole gamut of emotions from not wanting to know a single, solitary thing about my husband's OW - to considering getting a private detective to take photos of her. I can't say I've ever really wanted to meet her, but I can quite understand that feeling.

However, if you don't mind me being blunt, I don't really think it's a good idea for you to do that. The fact that he's a 'church' person means nothing - they can be the most selfish of all individuals, and if he was so holy, he wouldn't be involved with your wife in the first place.

You say this man is 'just a friend'? My husband said that as well. He told me time and time again he 'needed support' and he 'needed a friend'. 'I need a friend' translated really means, 'I want an affair' or 'I want another woman/man'. Have you read Dr. Harley's article about friendship between the sexes? It just isn't a possibility. Any very close, emotional friendship between a man and a woman will inevitably lead to something physical. I tried repeatedly to warn my husband when he began taking out his 'friend' - he wouldn't listen, telling me I was paranoid, suspicious, giving him a hard time. In the end, I was just telling him what he should have been all too well aware of - that he was going to make the biggest mistake in his life, and get himself (and me) into a sad, sorry and tragic mess which we are trying now to cope with without completely losing our sanity.

See this man if you really feel you HAVE to. But my advice is to give him a very wide berth, but instead, talk to your wife - that is who matters, not her 'friend'. Keep your thoughts on you and your wife, and try to keep him as much as possible out of the equation. If he wants to have an affair with her, the fact that he is a churchgoing guy' will have absolutely no effect on his decision at all.

Your best hope is to warn your wife of the potentional dangers and try to avoid her getting caught up in this hell that my husband and I are in because I didn't heed the warning signals. And, if anything does happen, and your wife takes up with this guy, keep telling yourself - IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. Adultery is only ever the fault of the two adulterers, so don't let your wife offload her guilt onto you, as my husband tries to do with me.

Take care, and all the best,

Stilltrusting

You have a hero complex. You want to meet him so that she'll see the two of you together and admire your self-restraint. So tragically noble. And, I'm totally there in it with you.

Whatever. The OM for me was a good friend for many years... and he was so freaking pious. Let me tell you what'll happen... you'll start comparing yourself to him and lose your self-identity if you're not careful. Soliciting the aid of others will, to her, make you appear weak... stand up for yourself. It's also a common sign of desperation. Go to the Just Found Out forum and you'll see it all over the place.

If it was the right thing to do and you were ready for it, you wouldn't be posting it in this forum.

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I don't know. Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe I'm not. I have no clue. Honestly I would like to meet him and beat him. I won't do that though. I didn't post here about it because I didn't know really if I should or not. I posted here to see if anyone else has "been there, done that". I don't know if he's actually going to want to meet me. Probably not. I'm the type that would though. I face things straight on, good or bad. I hate to just sit back and avoid things. If its a great possibility, which this is. I figure we might as well get it done and over with. Its just so hard for me, I'm the kind of person that wants to fix things. If I see something broken I want to fix it. Especially if its something I broke or helped break. I have decided that I was going to start planning my life without her though. She seems a little more responsive now. Doesn't get so upset about everything I say. I doubt she'll come back though. I'm getting our separation papers done tomorrow. I'm moving on either way. I told her the door was open but the car isn't gonna come to a stop for her anymore. Like I said though, I probably won't meet him because he will probably not have the guts to do it. Oh well, life goes on and I'll have my daughter. God Bless..

NotNow
I don't post much anymore, but I felt compelled to reply to your post.

I am also a fixer. My marriage was broke so I wanted to fix it. I swallowed every bit of material on this site, books, articles, you name it. In the end it takes both of you to fix what was broke. Don't take on that responsiblity yourself. You can't stop her or save her from an obvious mistake. It might not be so obvious to her right now.

My ex now lives with her "friend." She had an affair with him 3 years ago. It ended phyically for a short time, but she tried to remain friends with him during recovery without my knowledge. Long story short he was her way out of a situation that was requiring to much hard work for her.

I have wanted to sit down and talk to him more times than I can remember. I wanted him to know first hand how he hurt me and my children. I wanted to find out why he was worth the effort, but not me. I wanted to let him know if he ever hurt my children I would be his living hell. I have never followed through with my desires because it doesn't matter. Doe he really care he has hurt me? No. Is knowing who I really am going to change is adgenda? No. He knew what kind of man I was when I wrote to him and forgave him the first time he had an affair with my ex. I know now I was worth the effort. I already know the type of person he is by his actions. To date he has treated the kids well, but I'm watching.

What I'm saying is I know you want to protect her and yourself from damaging the thread that is left between you and her. All you can do is secure your end, she will have to secure her end herself. You can't fix it for her.

Take care,
Ray

Thanks Ray, that makes sense. I've decided that I'm not going to bring it up again. If she brings it up maybe I'll go ahead and meet him. Or obviously if I run into him. I'm not worried about it anymore. I have my daughter to worry about now. She's my #1 priority. My W will have to fix herself and I know that. I don't want to see her get hurt but, I have a feeling that's what it will take for her to realize. Unfortunatly for her though, it will probably be too late by then. Oh well, live and learn I guess.. Man, I have learned a lot. Thanks to all.