After many requests from my non date last night, for subsequent non dates, he emails me this morning to say that after our long dinner and talk that he had to tell me something. Seems he's been seing ANOTHER GIRL for some time and was so badly wanting to see me too. But I did not appreciate that at all. He said that I was lovely, funny, intelligent and great company but felt AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH I should know the truth and if I wanted to see him for another non date to let him know.

I said "well you had your chance last night to be honest and tell me during our non date...And even when you asked for 4 or 5 more non dates. But I think that in about two weeks, I will be ready FOR A REAL DATE. And with a guy who will be up front and honest--TO ALL PARTIES.

Can you imagine that? I go out on my first venture as an almost single girl and find out that HE IS SEEING SOMEONE MY FRIENDS DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT. I mean arent there any honest people here? I am somewhat downtrodden not about the guy mind you, but about the principle of the matter.

And then son is really sick. JETHRO (formerly known as DARTH) calls and says "he has to talk to me about the medicines (heck I am in the medical field and have over a decade of experience ok?). He drops son off at door. YES AT THE DOOR AFTER I FORBADE IT. He goes on and on about the stupid clinic and how clean it was yada yada yada. And said that
"I will watch son in the morning so you can go to work. What time do y ou want me here int he morning to pick him up?". I cringe. I don't want to lay eyes on him. And here is this man, staring at me and actually able to look me in the eyes after the crap and hell he has put us through. I am stoic. No expression really. Just serious.

He is again wearing another disco kinda shirt. This one almost looks like a seventies shirt. He is wearing black jeans again. And those stupid bowling looking tennis shoes. And he has his hair combed down like Ricky Martin. And for the first time, since I haven't looked at him in over a month or two. HE DID NOT LOOK TO ME GOOD AT ALL. In fact, he looks as if he has aged ten years overnight. It freaked me out.

So here I am the much younger looking wife, with cute hair and no makeup but still cute. Wearing my long labcoat and scrubs. I appear professional. He looks like he's on the way to Studio 54. When he looked at me dead in the eyes, I truly wonder for a bit what's going on in that mind of his.

There is barely any semblance of the man I once knew that stood in that doorway. I would not let him in the house although he tried to come in. I stood at door and said "no, let's do this here." He has got to know that I mean business. And he casually mentioned court. I said fine. See you tomorrow and wednesday then. He walked off and left. He had a strange lost look on his face when he walked away. It was very sad and surreal for me.

I am almost lost for hope at dating, or even non dating. Can any guy be trusted? I think that this morning possibly triggered the emotional response I felt after Jethro left. Old feelings about cheating, being dishonest, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

DEFINATELY HE SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING LAST NITE, YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!

I AM WITH YOU ON THE DATING THING, DON'T THINK I WILL EVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN, WHEN IT COMES TO DATING. I DON'T MISS THAT DATING THING AT ALL. I HAVE A GUY WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY VERY BEST FRIEND, AND WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 13 YEARS. I AM HAPPY TO MEET UP WITH HIM ONCE A MONTH FOR DINNER OR COCKTAILS OR WHATEVER. WE TALK ON THE PHONE ABOUT ONCE EVERY OTHER WEEK, AND I CAN BE MYSELF WITH HIM AND HIM WITH ME. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A FRIENDSHIP WITH US, AND ONE THAT I TRUELY CHERISH.

AS FAR AS THE EX, PEACHY, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. MINE HAS GOTTEN SO FAT, HE LOOKS AS ROUND AS HE IS TALL. ALSO, LOOKS LIKE HE HAS AGED IN THE YEAR AND HALF WE HAVE BEEN DIVORCED. HE IS ACTUALLY 9 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME, BUT COULD NEVER TELL IT. HE ALWAYS LOOKS WAY OLDER THAT HIS AGE, AND EVEN OLDER NOW. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ATTRACTION TO ME WITH HIM ANYMORE, ALWAYS MAKES ME NAUSEOUS TO SEE HIM, YUCKY!!!! HIS GIRLFRIEND CAN HAVE HIM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FORGOT TO ADD, MINE LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING DISCOING ALL THE TIME TOO!!! SAME HAIR THING TOO, WITH WHAT LITTLE HAIR HE HAS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sending you big hugs!!

My what a weekend! Being sick, having a birthday, a terrific non-date and today to be told about this other woman he is also seeing and to top things off, having an encounter with Jethro. Must be slightly overwhelming.

Think a good time out might be in order.
Sounds like you might want to hide under the covers early, catch your breath, find the safety latch and hug your teddy bear.

I am sorry to hear your son is not feeling well and to have be around his dad must make him feel so sad.

I wanted to respond to you earlier about your non date and applaud you for handling everything so wonderful well.

Sounds like you got into the dating groove just fine, and looked fabulously wonderful! I am so happy that the evening went so smoothly.

After a year/half in hibernation his disclosure would be unsettling. You haven't had time to unthaw yet and completely disentangle with Jethro the Machismo, MH, Mrs. Family Values constantly in your face. I keep getting the munster family picture in my mind, eery, dark and creepy.

Definately, principles are near/dear and what always gets a lady through life. Do you get a sense that he likes to play his market with the avaiablity of women or what?

Perfectly, normal your yield sign are now erected...flashing yellow lights proceed with caution. The heart can only take so much traffic all at once. Your heart is protecting you and your listening.

On any account what ever you decide upon. You certainly deserve a good diversion from Jethro's antics, and to be able to refocus on life and meet new people again. The laughs, getting dressed up, going out is so healthy after being in such long seclusion.

I must tell you what a relief is for me that I don't have to see STBXH or talk to him. It's been a good month and I so appreciate not having to look in his lying eyes.

My wounds are actually starting to heal and he is becoming a faded memory again.

How sad that Jethro will always be on the parameter of your life/son with his disco shirt/bowling shoes. Seems his appearing at your door with his new dress code is he is trying to impress you.

His drama is so superficial and a shallow facade of wanting to make you think what a stud you are missing out on and trying to make you belive he is one kool cat. We know otherwise he has turned into a tom cat, stray cat headed to become nothing more than an alley cat.

Your stand must be ripping him apart.

I am so proud of you for holding onto your self respect, and not feeding his ego. He desperately needs the law/yourself to stand up to him.

Sounds like he really is on the steady decline sinking further in his pit of degradation. Truth as we know is that pit sinks deeper than he will ever imagine.

I bet the sleepless nights/nightmares of what he has destroyed and discarded in exchange for his lust fantasties is not what he bargined for. As we all know the nightclubs do all have a closing time. Sex last only so minutues long, there are only so many positions, it does become ordinary no matter how many candy arms he has. Even a good drunk lasts for so many hours before it wears off. Mindless, souless television can go on for so long before reruns start all over. Mrs. Family Values doesn't sound to intelligent and shutting down, her needs aren't being met and she isn't the same as his loving peachy/son.

Throwing away a beautiful,intelligent, caring wife and son is not giving him peace during the long nights and his false macho image is rapidly crumbling.

Soon he will be wondering who is that Mr. so so is taking his son to the park, zoo, swimming.

For the past year he hasn't had to worry one bit with his false man image as he thought you were still under his thumb, at home mourning for him and punishing you further by flaunting all his women in your face. No doubt about he feels extremly betrayed that you have stood up him, taken mature route of pursuing legal action. Wait until the real gravity sets in of other men appreciating, adoring his x wife.

What ever happens with this prospective non date as you decide is best for YOU. The tables are turning, turning, turning for the better.

Jethro's hard living isn't bringing him the happiness he so thought, he will only get sicker, harder, faster.

Time for rest, as Wednesday is soon here with court and so important that your feet, sinus's, heart stay clear/focused. Plenty of fluids,nuturing, prayers as I think it would be great if you could press for supervised visits and evaluation.

Many hugs and thanks for sharing your heart!

Peachy - this is so rude. He couldn't be honest with you last night, whats with that? Men, most can't be honest with you. Seems we had a husband that betrayed us, and was dishonest as could be. Then we are out to meet people, and these men think they can just lie and lie. I tell you, I won't bother trying to find another guy. Most men are out there for one thing only, SEX.

Just be honest with this guy, and say, I have decided that you are not being radically honest with me. So I feel that you need to go back to that other person. I want a christian man, that will tell me the truth from day one. And not hold anything back, and that I can feel safe with. What you have said, shows that you are not thinking about me and my feelings. You are only thinking about how far you can get, before you hurt my feelings. Say, sorry about this, but I prefer to spend my time alone, or find someone who will be radically honest with me.

What happened to you, scares me. Scares probably most women. We are vulnerable, and I trusted my hsuband, until his affair. And after the affair. He is still be untrustworthy.

You know Peachy, I was going to copy a bunch of your comments after your date, and hammer you:

"How do you know he is a type of guy that you dream to be married to, after ONE casual date?" but i don't want to be the cold water that always gets thrown on everyone's situation.

My take is that you are making very superficial assessments or judgements on a couple of hours of interaction, and through very nieve, rose colored glasses. You need to educate yourself on personality types and disorders, on emotions and emotional responses to stress and difficult situations to see how people have a hard time dealing with reality.

My interpretation of your date was that you were taken with his cuteness, his education and his job, and the age of his kids, None of these are even closely related to his personality, how he will get along with you, what he thinks of relationships and life. You need to look for discrepancies in thought, contradictions, dishonesty with the self, etc. to make a real assessment of someone.

I hate to say this, but you have a long way to go before even considering entertaining relationships without some good, solid relationship studies. You will be tempted to be swept off your feet with anyone that looks opposite of Jethro, Darth, whatever the latest pet name is du jour. You need to get serious in some personal therapy and education about interpersonal relationships, or you will find yourself in a similar relationship, just like Lucks is, just like AGG did, just like Moinuovelle is. Start out by living by yourself and get comfortable with yourself, and then decide to entertain a few group dates to start, with your girlfriends and their friends. . .

wiftty

Dear Peach,

Another day, dollar and hard lesson of life stares you in the face. Really Peach, this is one dinner, 1st time you really spent with him and you expected him to spill it all?

Remember that he has been D longer than you and for him to be dating is well.....what happens. Now I am not supporting any one seeing many people but if you did not consider this a date and he was seeing someone else, there is another way to look at it.

Should he have been more honest with you? Probably but you 2 were not on any type of committed relationship. He was not obligated. Neither were you.

If this was really a non date, take it at that. In fact the fact that he even bothered to tell you is something. Now I am not just saying this because he was cute, nope just because you set the mood, 'this was a non date'.

Is there a lesson learned? Probably. What is it? IMHO, you learned that you are a NOT what Darth says you are. In fact you learned that you are a beautiful and desireable person. You also learned that your feelings are still quite tender and easily hurt. A non date can have emotionaly consequences. Is every male a bad thing? No. Is this one bad? Probably not.

Remember this is only the beginning. Life is not always going to give us happiness. Most of us have a lot going on. To intergrate another busy life and intertwine it with ours will take effort and have issues. It will not be easy but it has the opportunity to be a happy one.

My advice? Take it easy and slow. Don't write this guy off yet. You stated it was a non date/no commitment. Becareful. Use your support group to help you keep it in control.

You are a valuable person. Great friend and mother. Those are what shine first. The better part of you is still within you. Share it slowly.

You will know when to let go and when to slow down. Listen to your inner self. You also have a lot going on right now. It might be wise to just get over your next big obstacle.

We'll be here for you.

take care,
L.

Thanks guys. And you're right. I am going slow. Will proceed with extreme caution.

The whole Jethro thing has me still reeling although it's been a year and a half of being alone. And it will take time. I know that. I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I had come this huge far distance and was sooo healed and all of that.

I was up most of night with son. He is still feverish. I am going to court tomorrow morning and this morning in about an hour and fifteen minutes I have to see Jethro. He is something.
Last night he called about son to ask about a nebulizer I have. I said he can use it during the day when he has him. In the background at eight thirty pm I heard Ms. Family Values in the background on the phone and her two year old going wild. I used to have my son asleep by eight at that time. It is so obvious to me that she is living there. He dumped off son and within a few hours, voila here she is with child in tow.

I feel like I should really just maybe keep working on me. There is no quick fix and I should've learned that already. So I will just take it slow.

And so an overpacked day of patients begins again. Also with three hours' sleep. And tomorrow is court. And I have to see Jethro two times today before court. This has me sooo bummed out.

Oh, and the guy emailed me last night again. Seems he is very involved with girlfriend and had just wanted to see what would happen with me before he proceeded with her. Since I was and am not wanting to do anything fast at all right now, seemed to have helped him decide to tell me. And it is nice I guess to know this early. And I will just wait a good bit longer before doing it again. At least until I sign. And also not to have any expectations either. Just boundaries I will set. I think I will get books on dating after divorce. Sounds good to me. Oh well, remember I've had only 3 hrs. of sleep ok?

If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, Phd

The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck, MD

if by midlife, 20% of the adult population will never marry, including singles, that leaves 80% of the population available.

If you want the opposite sex, that cuts the field in half to 40% of the population.

if all of these people have been married and the divorce rate is 50% or single with the 50% potential to divorce, that leaves 20% of the population available.

Of these divorced people, 50% were the cause of the breakup, and are poor remarriage material, that cuts the available field to 10% of the population.

Of the remaining 10% of available people, 50% of them will have personality types that clash with your personality type, making the relationship rather unfulfilling.

that leaves 5% of the population or less, so you better do your homework, as the field just went from 50% of the population to one tenth of the previous population. so make sure you can identify if the person will be in that 5% or not. another way to look at it, one in ten males that you know or meet will be eligible. just something to think about after your first encounter in the pool

wiftty,
bearer of bad news

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

Isn't that 1 in 20 males will make the cut? (ie 5%)

ok, think I get it, 1 in 10 "males" but 1 in 20 people (factoring the gender % back in).

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

wow. I think Orchid said it best. You now KNOW you aren't what Jethro said you were. With all the emphasis on the "non-date", I do think the guy was good to tell you about the other girlfriend. He's probably testing the waters a bit after his divorce, too.

I knew the second guy I dated would never be more than a friend. I haven't met one yet I would consider having a relationship with. Mainly because I am not ready, I bought myself a promise ring that I wouldn't ever marry again, but my attorney made me change it to never marry anyone like ex again. I wear it and it reminds me to take things slow and repair the damage to myself and my kids first of all. So maybe in a year or so, but then again, maybe not.

Actually, the guy was pretty honest if he brought up the other girlfriend the next day. It means it was on his mind, and he thinks enough of you to at least tell you. I'm not sure I would care to have someone tell me on the first date about another girlfriend. You NEEDED a super night out, he helped give you that, it would have ruined your evening for him to have said something that night.

Lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I see Wiftty has recommended "If the Buddha Dated". This is an excellent book. And I do mean excellent. My last counselor recommended it to me. It's beem discussed here several times. Get it. Read it.

It is not so much about dating as it is about preparing your heart for dating.

The diplomat and I read it at about the same time and discussions of it were frequent in the first months after we met.