Thanks everyone for the input<p>[This message has been edited by dec810 (edited February 27, 2001).]

This one is a little difficult since it bothers you so much. I would suggest that you seek immediate counseling and therapy or you will self-destruct your marriage. She has been happily married to you for 10 years and I suspect that you never had or have a question of your wife's fidelity. You must learn to let go. You are special in that you are in a loving marriage. Please have you and she go into counseling together so you may work it out. The lady I am with was a model in Europe and had a lot of experience just like I did. I personally believe it just made <BR>her a better lover for me when we finally met<BR>each other and now have been together for two years. Let me just say I have known many women who were virgins or who had very little sexual experience prior to their marriage and most of them ended up cheating on their spouses. It sounds like you have a very kind and respectful spouse. Don't let your insecurities destroy what most people here would give anything for. Good Luck

My H and I married when I was 23. He had one prior partner, and I had had four (or more, depending upon your definition of sex :eek . What can I say...I had a serious long-term relationship, and when that broke up went thru a stage where I took things relatively casually.<P>I will tell you this...We have been married 19.5 years, and I have never been unfaithful, never looked back longingly on those wilder or freer days, never wondered if I missed anything or if something better was out there. <P>Let me echo Bryan's advice...go to counseling with your wife if this bothers you. Do not let it drive a wedge between you. You certainly have a right to your feelings, but also recognize that your wife is probably a very different person now than she was back then.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Well, I can sympathize with your situation because I am the wife who too had pre-marital sex and it has caused problems in our marriage. <P>It's NOT the sexual part that caused the trouble, (at least not for me and maybe not for your wife) but it is the emotional part of feeling wanted or desired. When my husband withdraws probably thinking similar things to what you think, then I feel rejected. It's easy to recall people from the past who did anything to be with me and desired me. Man, what an insecurity and false sense of being desired for my body... <P>My thinking is that it's best to deal with your unresolved feelings about this with a trusted friend (who will point you to God) or a Christian counselor. <P>You said that you were religious - therefore maybe sex after marriage was elevated to an idol status taking center stage instead of it being a wonderful by-product of a healthy emotional and spiritual connection? Then may I suggest that you give to your wife, even if you don't think she deserves it - that's grace - love which we don't deserve. As Christ redeemed the adulterous woman - "he who hasn't a sin can cast the first stone" and the woman at the well "I am the living water..." what he was inferring was that she was NOT going to find security in the arms of the many men she was seeking to be with (she more afraid of being alone than suffering from the reputation in the village)so I ask you to think through forgiving your wife. <P>Forgiveness is not necessarily forgetting (though over time you might) it means truly letting it go so that if you do think of it the sting of it is gone. As you forgive, you will be forgiven.<P>Then think through your expectations and what is truly important? What is it that God calls us to do? Isn't it to love - to love Him and if we do this, only He will give us the ability to love our neighbor in the way He asks us - without strings.<P>Prayerfully move forward my friend... remember to think of the other's interests as you would your own - that doesn't mean forget yourself... but deal with it in the best way you can by going first to God.<P>Hope you work this out... my husband and I are still trying to work things out with my past... give yourself some time and trust in God not in your circumstances.<P>Blessings...<P>------------------<BR>Freedom is doing what you like - Happiness is liking what you do.

Thanks for the input everyone.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by dec810 (edited February 27, 2001).]

Dan, I felt like I was reading about my own story when I read your post. The only difference was that I was a virgin prior to having sex with my wife. We have been married for 11 years and I too have just recently (10/00) found out that she had more premarital sex partners than I was lead to believe when we married. <P>Prior to our marriage, I knew that she had been with 3 guys. The first guy was a long relationship and the other two were just once each. I dealt with her past at that time and was ready to commit. Then in October it comes out that she had been with three other guys while we were dating, two of which she went all the way. Needless to say this revelation after so many years of marriage devastated me. I too feel as though she has had an extramarital affair.<P>I bet my wife's philosophy is similar to your wife's in that sex seemed normal and got easier after her 2 year relationship with her first. I can't believe that she had sex with someone without even loving them. The explanation seems so foreign to me, but then again I have not had sex with anyone else but my wife. I can't blame her for what she has done. She has shown me great remorse, even to the point of shaking uncontrollably when we talk about it.<P>I have decided (after long thought) to simply try and put this behind me. I truly love my wife and know that she is devoted to me. For me to punish her by allowing the past to split us up would be wrong. You need to seriously ask yourself, Dan, if you can get past this. Let me tell you, the passing of time truly helps. If you cannot get past this, then you must either discuss your feelings at great length with your wife or see a counselor. Don't punish her for her past mistakes. Remember she chose you to spend the rest of her life with.<P>Good luck.

Dan,<P>I have read your post and the responses to your post. You are down because these men have had something that you feel should only be yours.<P>You are so wrong here. Do you think her body is her? Do you think your body is you? What are you going to do when she ages? Or becomes ill? <P>You are missing the big picture here. She married you because she loved you. She has been faithful to you because she made a vow to do so, and it pleases her to be so. She has given you what no other man has had, her love and devotion. <P>Yes, she has been with other men. But you are the man that she chose to be her lifetime partner. You have been with another woman, but did that mean you shouldn't have married?<P>You say because of religious beliefs that this bothers you a lot. Yet you say she is a strong Christian. Isn't the essence of Christianity focusing on the important parts of a human? Their spirit, their soul, how they treat other people? She has not failed you. But she was worried about you apparently with good reason. Perhaps she forgot how many. This seems likely because admitting to 3 or 4 lovers isn't much different from 7.<P>Dan, I don't know where you get your statistics about divorce, but having sexual partners before a marriage or relationship is very rarely cited as a reason for the increased divorce rate. Indeed if you read here you will see that it has little to do with the divorces and affairs.<P>I will share with you one thing. I am far more experienced than your W. I never even asked my W about her partners. I don't have a clue if she has had other sexual experiences. It made no difference because I found the woman I wanted to spend my life with. So I went from a very active batchelor live, (in my 30's) to totally monogamous (with a single I do). <P>I haven't had an affair or even be tempted in 26 years of marriage. My W hasn't either to my knowledge. Was that because of or inspite of my experience? I haven't a clue.<P>But I always took marriage very seriously as did my W, maybe that is the reason we haven't had an affair.<P>Dan, it seems to me you are focusing on the wrong thing. You have a faithful loving W that you knew was experienced before your marriage. When she had these relationships she was NOT YOURS IN THE EYES OF GOD. Perhaps had she not had those relationships she would not have been mature enough to chose you.<P>You are second guessing God Dan. This is not a good thing to do.<P>I will tell you what I think is bothering you. It is that your college friend KNEW that it was more than 4. Now how did you get into that discussion? Why did you get into that discuss? It seems to me that the problem isn't the number at all but that your "friend" knew.<P>It seems to me you are fighting the urge to punish your W, for something she did before she met you, and for your own insecurities. Perhaps, God is testing your resolve, your believes, and your strength.<P>Dan, it seems from what you have said you have a wonderful W. Read here Dan and learn the problems you could be having. Don't borrow trouble, give a prayer of thanks to God for the blessing you received when she decided to marry her.<P>You have been blessed, appreciate it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

One last response and follow-up. First, some very interesting insight which is much appreciated. Some blunt observations and statements were very accurate and others not so. Anyway, after reading both jsg and Just Learning, I will not forward this to my wife since it will not help 'us', and may instead punish her.<P>Who we are as parents, individuals, husbands and wives is an accumulation of life's experiences. Knowing these experiences and facts about your partner in life is important to knowing your partner. Thanks All Dan <P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR>[b]Dan,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by dec810 (edited February 27, 2001).]

Dan,<P>Yes, it is important to know your life partner. However, knowing everything about them is a deceptive thing in my opinion. You know your W now. You can see by her behavior who she has become. Part of who she has become occured before you met her, but you fell in love with the person she was. You are still in love with her.<P>How she got to the state she was when you married, is not as important as you knowing she is a wonderful wife to you. She learned, she tested, and she decided how she would live her life. It seems to me her decisions were sound.<P>She had choices in life and she chose you, it wasn't out of ignorance. It was from her experiences that she decided on the type of man she would dedicate her life too. You are that man.<P>I know this sounds perverse to you Dan, but her being experienced very likely meant that you were judged to be the best. <P>So look at this as opportunity. It is an opportunity to show her that you can be a person she can trust and talk with. You won't judge her, but be there to help if help is needed. More than anything now that this has all come out, and your business partner knows something about her college days she is very embarassed.<P>She is probably wondering if you are still proud to be her husband. If you are still in love with her. Dan, this is an opportunity to show her your heart. Do it and I suspect that you will have a very devoted W and more importantly a much closer friendship.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I think one thing that you have to realize that every relationship that your wife went through made her the person she is today. Who she was with in the past is in the past, it should have nothing to do with your present relationship...she did not know you then...and she probably didn't know at the time of some of these relationships that they would end up being brief. As well, I think that b/c she did have previous partners it is less likely that she will be having an affiar, she has had different relationships and has obviously found the one person she wants to be with...you! I think that there is a higher probability of an affair with people who have had a limited number of relationships before they were married.<BR>I know you are thinking she should of told you of all the past relationships, and honesty is the best policy...but...if you have that type of attitude towards it she probably knew you would get all upset over it and possibly end it b/c of that which would of been a huge mistake. Don't get into any thoughts of jelousy..its a wasted emotion and it can destroy a marriage! Be very careful where you go with this!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fed up:<BR>..." Don't get into any thoughts of jelousy..its a wasted emotion and it can destroy a marriage! Be very careful where you go with this![/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"<P>Thanks for the response. I believe after reading the foregoing responses to my original post that I mischaracterized my feelings as jealousy, when disappoinment and insecurity would have better characterized them.<P>Disappointment because when my wife and I took an 'Emotional Needs" quiz, we both ranked "Openness and Honesty" a number one priority. I felt that this disclosure after 10 years of marriage fell short of that. Yes, as you stated, I do believe that there would have been the possibility that a 'total' disclosure during courtship could have been detrimental and ended our relationship.<P>Insecurity because I know myself. I am an individual that has been in control of most things in my life ( again, a statement as to my weak faith). Conjuring up thougths of my wife with other men, divorce, extramarital affairs made me overexaggerate my situation. I've committed myself to 10 years of marriage, three kids, trust, emotions, financial investment... and in the process made myself completely vunerable to my wife. True love?? Obviously my wife has done the same; however, personnally and characteristically for me to let my guard down like this is scarey. Also, the disclosure by my wife occurred within the same short period of time that my parents after a tortured 44 year marriage finalized a divorce, and two close friends regretably had their wives file for divorce after 11 and 16 years of marriage. I'm growing up more and more every week.<P>Fed up- I read some of your prior post to glean a general philosophy of where you were coming from, and I realized why you concluded that jeolousy is a wasted emotion. Although I only have a glimmer of the picture and don't disagree you, I believe you should look at jeolousy in a larger picture which incorporates emotions of trust, honesty and insecurity. As I continue to mature, and I'm almost 40, I can more readily focus, trust, give and communicate than when I was 30 - and unquestionably better than when I was 20. I don't think that other guys are all that different from me, so hang in there because some of us mature faster than others. Thanks Dan<P>

From reading the responses here, this sounds like my life! What happened to the original message, though? I would've liked to have read it...