Greetings fellow MBers,

I have nothing new to add and don't really need "advice"--just want to vent to my friends. Oh, my stbxH is so frustrating!! Tell me if this isn't CLASSIC BPD behavior:

We go to the hearing on Friday, and he is Mr. Charming...reasonable and cooperative.

Over the weekend, we consider "swapping houses"--he is moving into a 3-bedroom townhouse with little or no maintenance in 2 weeks, and I have a 3000+ square foot house with a pool and nothing BUT maintenance (haha). His townhouse is moderate in price, my house is EXPENSIVE; he earns MORE, I earn LESS. However, we are discussing it as a POSSIBLITY, and it seems to look positive. We (the kids and I) even go see the place and like it. The main problems are two-fold: we would be moving in 2 weeks and we were not emotionally prepared for that, and we would be unable to take some of our pets with us and that would hurt the kids. Right up to this point, he was more or less being fairly civil.

Enter Mr. Classic BPD. After our "better than expected" hearing and our common-sense approach to the house thing, I was concerned about moving on such short notice but a little excited at the possibility. WELL...at midnight last night, he calls!! Who calls at midnight??? First he asks what I'm thinking about the move. We had agreed to NOT talk that night and to talk tonight, but he asked and I told him I was worried and sad over not being able to take a pet. HOOVER--sucking me into a fight.

Then he started saying, "You're going to back out now aren't you?" to which I said, "I didn't realize there was anything to back out of. The kids and I were just not prepared for this. We only started talking about it on Friday." HOOVER.

Then he yells, "OH NO! I'M NOT TAKINGTHE BLAME FOR THIS. WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR WEEKS AND YOU KNEW YOU HAD TO MOVE OUT. YOU'RE NOT BLAMING ME FOR THIS. DON'T START DOWN YOUR VICTIM ROAD BECAUSE I'M NOT TO BLAME!!!" What was that?? Splitting (if he's not all good...he's all bad)? Projection (he was blaming me for something so I must be blaming him)? I'm not sure what it WAS, but I can tell you what it wasn't...BLAME!! What the heck is there to "blame" him for?? He didn't do anything! We were discussing the option and all-of-a-sudden he's screaming about blame. I was telling him about my feelings--mine, not his--and out of nowhere I'm being yelled at for blamining him! (Can you see my head spinning around like on "The Exocist"?)

Then he says, "I won't take your abuse anymore. You're insane. Goodbye." HUH??? If that's not Projection, I don't know what is! I was CIVIL. I was mature and reasonable, just sharing my feelings. He is the one who responded ragefully and abusively, and furthermore, he actually is certifiable! AARRGGHH!!

Even as an EX it is so frustrating to deal with these him!! (More AARRGGHH)

Finally and in conclusion, just so you'all know, I decided that it is not a wise idea to move or "swap houses" at this time. First, I want the court to be involved with ordered child support before I'll do anything. Second, the kids and I have spoken about the day coming when we will need to move out of this house, but it is "far off" maybe in summer, and whether he wants to hear it or not, we were not emotionally ready to move. Third, the kids have had to endure ENOUGH losses and instability in their life--what they need now is a stable routine, their own room, and their pets. Too bad their own father doesn't see that. Fourth, as summer approachs, the three of us will go out in search of a place we ALL like, we will be emotionally prepared for it, and by then the courts will have ordered that I get my share of marital assets--so we'll be selling the house and moving out with a few thousand bucks in my pocket!!

Oh, ain't divorce grand???

CJ

Oh! I want to take a minute and reply to my own post! HEEHEE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I wanted to let everyone know that after I made the decision to move when WE are ready, not when it is convenient for him--to move when it is in OUR best interests and to keep that foremost in my mind--I have great peace and knew I had made the right decision. This weekend, as I was considering it, I felt a little sick to my stomach...that intuition voice was whispering in my ear "This is not good--not right now" and my stomach felt all in knots. At the time, I thought it was because I do not like to move, but now I realize it was because that voice was protecting me. I was not ready. My kids were not ready. We want to move as a family and keep our pets and choose a place together. I don't want to do to them what was done to me: "you will live here"--I want them to have a voice in where we move. We will be ready in summer--the divorce will be final and I'll know what I face financially. Until then, I'm staying, and I KNOW deep within that it's the right decision for ME and for my CHILDREN.

CJ

Faithwife - what you are doing is for you and your kids. They have endured so much with all that your family has gone through. To have some stability and keep the family as a unit, is what they need. To keep all the pets, and each have their own room, during school, is important. Could you imagine what they would feel, if they were scrunched in a townhouse, and had to get rid of some of their pets. And just a short notice. This would cause you so much headache.

Good for you in keeping the house. Looking for a house with your kids is so important. They will have their say in the house. And they will feel a part of the move. That way, you can say, we need to downsize now. So lets all work together on having a garage sale. The kids can all have boxes, and as they go through the stuff, they can put it in the box, and they could run the garage sale.

That is what we are doing before I have my garage sale. I am asking all of my kids to go through their stuff and downsize. So that there is less to move, if the time to sell this house comes sooner than I expect.

Good for you in keeping the pets. I am a animal lover, and I have all the pets here. SNL doesn't want the pets, and he is not being fair to me, about the food for the pets.

YOu are doing great, and keep up the good work.

Hi, FaithfulWife,
Sorry your x is being such a *@#%! What a surprise.
You're right, he did HOOVER you in. But you know that, and you won't let it happen again.
He and you agreed on the rules, he broke them by contacting you too soon (during the period you were supposed to be "thinking about it")
He KNEW it was premature. He's immature.
Now, on to practical matters:
Garage/yard sales are fun. Start planning way ahead. If you have valuable items, you can sell them on eBay. There are free newspaper ads for private party yard sales, we've done a few lately.
If you want to talk more about the yard sale thing, post me!
Your decision to postpone the move is very wise.
(((((((((((((FaithfulWife))))))))))))))))))))

BPD is like dealing with a really big 5 year old. . .

just remember how you deal with 5 year olds pulling the same stunt? by laughing and ignoring it, the problem is you have to visualize him
as a 5 year old with diapers on. . . .

that's the only way. . . .

wiftty
bearer of bad visions

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>BPD is like dealing with a really big 5 year old. . .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!! That is EXACTLY how I envision it too--except that, due to his actual physical stature, I often forget and think he's a grownup. heehee.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just remember how you deal with 5 year olds pulling the same stunt? by laughing and ignoring it, the problem is you have to visualize him as a 5 year old with diapers on. . . . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are SLAYING ME! Where's the ROFLMAO graemlin anyway?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> A 6 1/2 foot man in a diaper--that's a visual for ya!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You have made my day just from the sheer goofiness.

(BTW, I do understand exactly what you're saying...just got distracted by the diaper thing.)

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...bearer of bad visions</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HUH?? What's that all about?? This isn't a bad vision--if I attach wings and hand him some arrows, he's Giant Cupid! HAHA. Baby New Year on steroids! HEEHEE.

CJ

ROTFLMAO icon seriously needed here!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Btw, Milady, have you seen the ambassador lately? I think he could give you a message of concern and gladness that you are doing better.

Glad to hear you got the house thing under control before stbx wrestled it out of your control. You did really well on that.

Could we have a rodeo in the kindom and use him as the roping steer? What kind of photos could Anne Geddes make of him?