I've been with my husband since I was 14 and he 17. We've been married 28 years and yesterday he decided he couldn't try anymore. He wants a divorce. I'm devastated and wonder how I'll function. He came to me in December and told me how much he loved me. We had both been living in Withdrawal for years and both had affairs in that state. His affair was over in June. I was ready to end mine because as he moved closer to me after that, my needs were being met more and more. I ended mine the day after he told me how much he still loved me, with tears in his eyes. Those were the first tears I'd seen him cry in many many years and the first time he could say he loved me in as many. We had made a mess of our marriage. Broke all the rules, blamed each other, and really didn't realize how much we didn't know about making our marriage work. Through it all, I've never given up on him or lost hope that he would come back (from withdrawal) in the end. I love him more than anything. Even now, and that's why his decision hurts so. We've been doing Marriage Builder techniques and I thought it was working. We even had telephone counseling. I've forgiven him and I thought he had forgiven me. Now he says is haunted by obsessive thoughts about my past. He said they are ruining his health and he can't fight them or stop them. Most of them aren't even true. He said he can't forgive me or forget. He claims he tries everyday, but can't. His health really has suffered. He shakes all the time. I wonder if I really am ruining his life. He confessed 4 affairs to me and I've forgiven all. I had one "one night stand" before we were even engaged. I was about 18. Then, when he withdrew these past several years, I got involved with a friend. There were close calls in between, but never actual affairs. He knows about all of it. Initially he seemed to handle things pretty well. However now he believes I did it all and am lying even though we have actively practiced radical truth about EVERYTHING. He said he cannot control the thoughts in his head. He even made up an affair he thought I had AFTER we were back together. He watches a man I don't even know because he thinks he's the one. I think he shows signs of mental illness. But he won't listen when I ask him to get help. Does he just not love me? He says he does. I want to fight for my marriage. He thinks it's hopeless. I'm so depressed. I want to crawl in hole and die. It hurts so much. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You have been married a long time, 28 years. Ours was 25 years. You both committed adultery in your marriage. It seems it would be easier for each of you to forgive each other. My marriage, my husband committed adultery with another woman who had 2 sexual affairs in her long term marriage.

Have you talked to Steve or Jennifer Harley about this? Seems your husband is in denial.

I feel your pain. YOu have spent many years with your husband. And for him to end the marriage, this is hard. I know, I am going through the same thing. My husband is a controller, and manipulates me. I feel my hsuband has an anger problem. HOpefully, things will be better. But you know the only person that we can give this to is GOD. I am giving mine totally to god.

You are in pain, hurting, and crying. This is hard hon, and your thoughts are going in all directions. You feel like thoughts are being hit against walls, and bouncing back. There is no reason for all of this. Have you thought of going on anti-depressants for your emotional status. I am on anti-d. And I couldn't make it through a day without it. HOpefully, in a short period of time I will beable to get off the anti-d's. I want to live a happy life. And I want to make new friends.

But I am fending for my life right now. And you are probably feeling the same. Sorry you are in this situation. Talk to the Harleys. I will write you back in a minute, I want to tell you about a good book. I sent for it, and he was on Oprah. So be back in a minute.

Here is the author - Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt 'Giving the Love You Want'. Look for this book, and you can read the first 12 pages on Amazon.com. According to Oprah, he is the best. This is what he works on only. And he gets tot he root of the problem of each individual. Try to get this book at the library. Ok?

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

"Have you talked to Steve or Jennifer Harley about this? Seems your husband is in denial."

Yes, we have talked to Jennifer. But my husband cancelled our next appointment. He just gave up.
I can't give up. I tried to talk to him just now and pleaded for forgiveness for what I've done. He is withdrawing again. I feel it. He can't even put his arms around me. He hurts less when he withdraws. How do I get him back.

I'll check out the book on Amazon that you talked about. I appreciate you taking the time to console me when you are hurting so much yourself.

Thanks for your kind words. I'll keep you in my prayers tonight as well.