HUBCAP

A guy goes to a motel with his girlfriend, and is surprised to see his best friend's car outside one of the rooms. He thinks to himself, "It's noon, I thought he was at work."

He decides to play a joke on his friend, and takes one of the hubcaps from his car.

That same night, he goes to his friend's house, knocks on the door and tells his friend, "Hey, look what I found!"

"Hey, that's my hubcap, were did you get it from?"

The guy lowers his voice and says, "Don't play dumb with me, I saw your car outside the motel at noon today!"

His friend stands there quietly for a moment, goes back into the house, goes to the kitchen and tells his wife, "Look honey, I found the hubcap you lost at the supermarket today!"

Dang, y'all are boring. I'll give it another try:

10 THINGS A MAN WON'T SAY TO ANOTHER MAN

1. Wow, those jeans look painted on.
2. Man, I'd love to sleep with your wife just once.
3. Do you work out? Because you have great glutes.
4. Dude, I'm going to be late for work let me hop in the shower with you.
5. I am so horny, could you call your sister for me?
6. Hey John, that new haircut really brings out your features.
7. I hate sports.
8. I don't feel like going home; all my wife wants to do is have sex all day long.
9. Ewww beer, no way it tastes disgusting!
10. Joe, you're my buddy and I'm going away for a week. I was wondering if you could stay at my house and keep my girlfriend company while I'm away.

I"m thinking that the choice of subject that your jokes have, provoke too many triggers for most of us. Myself, I'm being far too analytical of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Got anything else that's NOT A related? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

OK sort of off the subject and I'll look for some more.........

A LOST KID

A department store security guard was walking around the store when he noticed a six-year-old girl alone and crying.

"Why are you crying?" the guard asked.

"I lost my mommy," the girl cried.

He then took the little girl to the lost and found and asked her, "What is you mommy's name? I'll call her over the loudspeaker."

The girl still crying replied, "Mommy."

"Yes, but what is mommy's name?" asked the guard.

"Mommy," the girl replied again. A few minutes later, the guard finally came up with an idea.

"What does your daddy call your mommy?"

The girl thought for a moment and replied, "B*tch."

PRIEST HOOD

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined a particularly strict sect. At his indoctrination, the head monk told him that they were sworn to total silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated that it was now time for him to speak his two words. The young monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated that it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated that it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"

The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

Today is the prank day - so I got my 12yo daughter this morning.

I went into her room to wake her up. I told her we had a power outage overnight and her clock was wrong. We needed to leave the house in 10 minutes. She looked at her clock and said, "It has a battery."

I told her the outage was so bad that it even stopped the batteries.
You should have seen her fly out of that bed and look at me with panic in her eyes.

Two men are sitting at bar at the top of a highrise drinking til 3am. They are both so drunk that one turns to the other and says "you know if you consume enough alcohol you can fly."
"yea right" the other man laughs.
"no im serious watch" the man opens the window and steps out, and begins to float.
"see! try it"
the other man excited jumps out the window and falls 37 stories and dies.
the first man goes back to the bar and asks for another drink.
The bartender responds, "I hate when you drink Superman"

This one seemed to be completely unrelated to the board, so I think you'll have to stretch a bit to find triggers.

"Dog Haiku"

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

HEY!! Where are all the jokesters?!! My god, are Bill and I the only silly ones here??

Two Hillbillies from Kentucky walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
turn blue and shakes her head.

The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt and cheeks in a circular motion.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

CJ you are a bad bad naughty naughty little girls and that's what I luv about you..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but
he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional,
can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the
parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint
vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his
boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that
my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a
fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first one to go to him in confession."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> lori (who really doesn't have a high opinion of most politicians)

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Heheheee. Here's my 'stab' at it...
Harold

"Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once..."
Ashleigh Brilliant

He was an angry man, my Uncle Swanny. He had printed on his grave stone: 'What are you lookin' at?'
Margaret Smith

If you feel you have no faults ... there's another one.
Unknown


When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?""
Sydney J. Harris

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea, boss. Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
Homer Simpson

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

You can say any foolish things to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Dave Barry
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.

You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'"
Lord Blackadder, 'Blackadder's Christmas Carol'

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Al Gore

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: TheNoteBookDude ]</small>