Hi
I've been giving a lot of though to divorcing my wife and want some feedback.
Here's my story.
Prior to us getting married we moved into together and had a baby (a happy miracle). From the time we moved into our new house together, my wife (fiance at the time) seriously changed. She started complaining and slowly begn ignoring me. She basically took great care of our baby and ignored me. I ended up making a mistake and having an affair. She apologized to me and I to her and I ended the affair and got back together. Everything was ok and we then got married this past September.
Since the marriage, my wife keeps bringing up my affair prior to the marriage. Every other week there would be an angry outburst or disrespectful behavior (crazy stuff to the point the accusations would make you laugh). It finally got to the point that I told her that these actions of constantly making me feel terrible about myself were making me lose feelings for her. She told me how depressed she was all the time and couldn't forget the affair. Why she chose to get back together and later marry me I have no idea.

It has finally come to the point that we discussed separating. She has gone home for her sister's wedding for a month and left me with the two kids. The space has given me some serious time to reflect. I think I have an empty marriage.

In the meantime, my father is having a serious health crisis. He has a great marriage and I see the way his 2nd wife has taken care of him. I see what it is to have a good marriage, and know we're not even close. My wife is now calling me telling me she misses me, but I am not looking forward to even seeing her again. I'd rather take care of the kids and have peace in my life, and seem to be forcing myself to stay.

I think its fair to note that she complains I do not help her enough around the house, and am not handy enough for her. My response is that I work all week and take care of the house all weekend so she gets time off. I get no break. I know she has a hard job, but so do I.

The marriage is only six months old and I feel this way already. Since day one we never had the honeymoon, just problems. I feel terrible for the kids and this is prompting me to try.

Why some may say I made my own bed I should sleep in it (I said that when the problems began), it's not been non stop problems and I feel it may be better to cut things off. When we discuss it, my wife hints she's going to kill herself (needless to say she likes to play games). She is a good mother and the physcial attraction is there. The respect and love simply isn't. I'm willing to give counseling a try, but my feelings for her are just gone. I've basically gotten emotioanally beaten up for six months. I want to keep my family together, but at the same time won't take her grief any longer.

What should I do? Has anyone here turned around there marriage when it has gotten to this point?

Thank you for your comments.

Both of you need to get to a M/C ASAP!

I hate to say this... but where you had an affair... you're pretty much screwed on making ultimatums as you gave up any moral high ground a long time ago. The only thing you can really do is apologize time and time again and try to get to the "real" issues, whatever they might be. And, as a side note, your affair might be the real issue with her... or a tool in some head game.

However, the appropriate response to bringing up the affair isn't to retaliate with ultimatums, get upset, or anything. It's to apologize and show love. Over and over again... for as long as it takes. Most marriages have a hard time surviving affairs because of this very reason. After my wife's affair, any argument... for me, always went right back to the central LACK OF TRUST caused by her affair. In the end, I saw that I would never recover from that and filed for divorce.

You have a kid though. She nags. You're a father. People change with time. Children love UNCONDITIONALLY. But, adults do not. You guys need help to reach a deeper connection... and it won't happen while you're separated or by yourselves.

Let me put it another way. Divorce is REALLY EXPENSIVE FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. Marriage counselling is way cheaper. Give it a shot. Be prepared to take a few shots below the belt but try to keep yourself and her (lovingly) focussed on the big picture which is a stronger more trusting relationship.

Whenever there are children involved it is always worth trying that is with MC. The past is the past and there is nothing to change that, but throwing up old wounds just keeps them fresh and doesn't give time to heal. You both need to talk and find out if your willing to do what it takes for your children. This happened in my marriage but instead of confronting the problem it was just covered up and tried to be forgotten about. It won't work that way it will come backt to bite you and then where are you, several years of built up resentment. Attack the issue at hand and just work through it, MC will work if your both willing to do it.

good luck and many prayers to you

Hi!
I've never responded to anyone before. I didn't think I ever would. I feel it's just too impossible to offer much help when situations and personalities are so complex and span so much time. HOWEVER, I suggest you show your wife the MB website. If you find the ideas in it make sense to you and her - try to work with it. Fill out the needs and try to keep each other happy. Take a look at the books. When she called and said she misses you, that means something. You could start there. It seems so simple sometimes, "just love each other"...learn how to make each other happy. (I ought to take my own advice - don't know why I'm making it so hard on myself and him too - another story) GOOD LUCK.