Should I have really separated from my husband? We faught for 10 months over his calling some woman, looking at porn, emailing them during 8 months at least of our first year of marriage. It hasn't happened since to my knowledge and he told his "just a friend" that he couldn't call her anymore. Anyways I was on some really negative site before this one chatting away - it's easy to do, everything sucks and I still think he had an emotional affair with this woman who lives in a town he lived three years when we were dating long distance "exlusively." Now I don't think we were that exclusive. He claims he did nothing wrong, says I made this escalate, I was anger, bitter and full of it. I married a conservative banker, 12 years my senior - we were fighting that first year, I was too into my business, I didn't marry until I was 32 and was having trouble adjusting and he was being a control freak... so he said he was "bored" and called this woman, but there was cell records of him calling her everytime he went out of town to ballgames with the boys in the same town she lives, four hours from me. Truth is I haven't been able to let this go, I got into angry outbursts with him, that led to him physically hurting me - grabbing me, shoving me, pushing me, smashing me over 10 times. The last bruise I left, it's taken me a week to pack. He says I "provoked" him and we know how anger escalates with cheating. He's not the type to be violent, but I was in his face.. we tried counseling and he was willing to go but never showed emotion or remorse, not even for hurting me. It's all my fault according to him. So now I"m in a small apartment, lonely as hell, no there's been no other men in my life I just wanted time alone. I read Dobson's book on Tough Love and he, plus most counselors in books say to leave if there's physical violence. Our shrink told me not to, that most separations lead to divorce - it takes away the reason to work together. My husband and I agreed to three months, I signed a three month lease and that we would go to counseling, church and maybe on dates. I just picked up more boxes and he was already turning our house into a bachelor pad. He's leaving this weekend for a ballgame, has no clue why I was hurt so much in all of this - and I just got mad all over again. I guess we are likley headed towards the big D but I wish there was a way to save this marriage. We used to have such good times together, we loved to travel, had such a nice house - we just disagreed on so many small things. Now I'm reading it's typical, that over 50% of arguments never get resolved. We let mole holes become mountains, all of this went on way too long -- is there any way a separation like this can lead to reconcilation? And what should the rules be?

This is not a negative response, so please bear with me.

is there any way a separation like this can lead to reconcilation?
Yes, but....

The first thing that needs to be dealt with is the abuse.

He's not the type to be violent, but I was in his face..
That’s crap! You know & he knows it.

Our shrink told me not to, that most separations lead to divorce -
Would you rather be beat up all the time?

it takes away the reason to work together.
But his violence is not anything you can fix. It needs to be HIM doing the work (counseling) before you guys can work on your relationship.

Chris, thank you for your response. I did think the shrink was wrong saying I should stay - of course he made money off that! The longer they can drag this out the more money. I've since heard bad comments from two other counselors about him, this is what he does. Half his clients have a physically abusive spouse, his way of dealing with it is it's wrong, then sweep it under the carpet. As I found out it's an issue that has to be addressed FIRST and FOREMOST. I have been going over and over in my head what I did wrong in this marriage, how good it could have been - but then I think of the physical violence and it reminds me of why I left. I was on a domestic violence website and they told me when I was leaving to have pictures of the bruises to remind me not to go back until he deals with that. Some people have told me I shouldn't have left, I don't buy into the theory that a woman "provokes" a man, no matter what the argument a man has no right to hurt a woman. EVER. As I've been moving out my husband has "justified" it saying it was my fault, our fault the works, I've never heard him own up to it and it was over 10 times that I was hurt. The shrink just "validated" him by not talking about it, you see I would cry when we talked about it in sessions and the shrink didn't like that - he wanted to fix the marriage and bringing up "negatives" didn't help is stay "positive."

No, I don't want to get hurt by a man ever again. I grew up in a good christian home, I never even dreamed that my marriage could be like this - filled with my husband calling other women, emailing them, into porn and hurting me in response to my anger. He has been married a few times before me and I'll admit there were red flags that he was a control freak. I didn't understand how someone this controlling could get violent. He told me that now I know his weakness "if there's a fight he's going to win, he doesn't lose." My husband said that to me, his wife! REALLY. That's the final last words of a fool...

I'm going to a christian counselor on Monday but already over the phone he said not to blame myself for this - not to beat myself up. That's what I''m doing, and the shrink didn't help, made it even more my fault. The counselor said that my husband made poor choices and there are no excuses for his behavior - especially the flirting with bimbos half his age - that a normal guy would have blown them off. I don't get it, he went on for three years dating me, only wanting me and the minute I married him he started trashing me verbally - everything I did was wrong.

Yes, the issues of violence and control/power need to be addressed BEFORE the marriage. I wish I had a shrink that did, I feel like I wasted time but if this is meant to work out it will in the end. I just highly doubt it at this point, I've been through living hell and I don't want to go back to that, especially the physical violence. There's no way to have any dignity in a life threatened by that....

hi jordan
i wanted to seperate from my husband..it seemed like the rational thing to do....i could get my head together...i could figure out if hr really gave a ****! but it was just not going to be easy on us....3 children, 1 a baby, living in an area w/ no family around...the complications were too great and my hub did not think it was a good idea. i still wonder. but i do not like that your hub is turning into the bachelor....i feared that..i could imagine it...my whole plan of him missing me etc. could just backfire on me. we faught like you guys too......i would get angry and provoke...i know he is not violent and the only time he ever hert me was because i came at him first..infact he would say i abused him..not exactly the truth either...but, he is not a violent man. yours may not be either, only you really know that.
besides all that, do you still love him? did he just really hurt you and you are having difficulty getting past it? if you still want him i say move back in and give this harley plan a serious go..it is not easy it takes work...but if you 2 have any romantic feelings foreachother it is worth it. my hub and i have shared a level of intamacy that is truly wonderful....

nelly,
yours may not be either, only you really know that.
besides all that, do you still love him? did he just really hurt you and you are having difficulty getting past it? if you still want him i say move back in and give this harley plan a serious go..it
JordanP said, “that led to him physically hurting me - grabbing me, shoving me, pushing me, smashing me over 10 times. The last bruise I left, it's taken me a week to pack.“
That sounds violent to me.

if you still want him i say move back in and give this harley plan a serious go..it
Harley recommends you do NOT move back in when there is violence. This matter needs to be taken care of BEFORE moving back in.

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 01:17 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Chris - Harley and just about any other book I read on marriage/divorce says to leave when there is violence. It's a good time for Dobson's Tough Love, that's the book I followed. Also I read Harley and he said to leave as well when there is violence, in fact he says he can't believe how many women won't leave when they get hurt over and over again. Honestly I don't think my husband would be a violent man, yes I provoked him with my anger/rage, BUT there is no excuse for a man to hurt a woman EVER. I was on a domestic violence chat site, they told me it would get worse, it did. It's almost like he got a borderline rush out of hurting me, he found a way to put me in my place. I had warned him "one more time" and I had to stand my ground as it had been a number of last time threats. I had packed several times to leave and didn't, at that point I was enabling him to get worse.

I have only been married two years, I don't have children with him. But I do understand why women with kids have a hard time leaving, financially and otherwise, but I do think Dobson is right - they need to at least pack enough to leave for a few weeks, go to family or somewhere to try to "wake up" a man who does this. I can post the results later to let you know if this will indeed make him realize "wow, I did THAT." Men justify hurting their wife as they say they were "provoked." Just about every abuser says that, they don't really see that it's a part of them personally. So yes, I still think love should be tough when it comes to violence, and it's so unfortunate if it's true that over 65% of married women at some point experience it in their marriages. I had not idea, never dreamed this would happen to me. I have a photo of a bad bruise to remind me of why I shouldn't go back.

I only wish I had a shrink that was experienced at domestic violence. The one we spent months with swept the issue under the table. I read a study on the internet on how shrinks should deal with domestic violence. Most women don't want to leave of course -- but it says what you say - domestic violence should be addressed BEFORE the marriage, before any other issues. Otherwise it gets worse. I'm an example of how it did get worse, of how the shrink in a way "validated" my husband's violence by not wanting to talk about it. By telling me I should stay and give it time. I wanted to move out months ago, and had I maybe there would have been less damage to my mind and spirit. Right now I'm pretty rock bottom and am not in the mood for giving a darn about Harley's principles of being nice to my husband.

I have a meeting with a christian shrink next week then I'll see if my husband will go. If he will I might give it one last shot. The counselor said he'd be able to tell how serious my husband is, he seemed like a very wise man over the phone. I'll try that along with dragging my husband to church, but if he won't do one or the other I will likely proceed with a divorce in the next few months. I'm 35 years old and I don't want to waste the rest of my 30s with a man who's hurt me and it sure looks like he cheated on me too from the cell records. Life is supposed to be a journey that we are enjoying... and as much as I believe in marriae vows some things just go WAY over the EDGE for me, domestic violence is one thing I always said I would never put up with, nor cheating. I've been handed both in a very short marriage.

Thanks for your input...

Nelly, I understand where you are coming from but has he hurt you again or did it stop? I know it's hard to move out with kids, BUT if a man knows he can control you through violence it's really scary. I learned a lot on a yahoo group chat site for domestic violence. You can go there for support if you ever need to, they taught me a lot about the issue.

NO, I don't "see" my husband as a violent man, but the fact is: he abused me, BAD a few times. Yes, I yelled and screamed at him, but no one provokes a man to hurt a woman. NO real man would do that. They would and can walk away. My husband said the same, that I started it, that I pushed him, maybe so a few times but once he got a taste of it there were times I wasn't even moving, sitting in a chair, etc. and he'd grab me, throw me on the floor, into a door, etc... he showed no remorse for the bruises either. That to me is sick, I can understand losing a temper, but a normal man with feelings, with love would be horrified that he hurt his wife, that he bruised her. That's what I think, although I still can't see him as being capable of this - but he is. To me he was a conservative banker, the boy next door, honest, etc. Now that I've moved out and have gotten space I can see even more clearly how wrong it all was... THAT should NEVER go on in a marriage. EVER.

It's true my husband is turning into a bachelor. He's got some huge stereo on my old dresser in the bedroom. It's really wierd to me, I think it symbolized that he can't stand the silence. I told him I would get the rest of my stuff this weekend, I think he thought I'd just move back in for the house and the lifestyle. We were very much upper class and now I'm in a small apartment with a matress on the floor. But I tell you, I have a sense of peace that I haven't had in a long time, I"m getting "me" back... and after you move out you realize how much of yourself you lost to a control freak. IF we are able to go to counseling, church, separated... I will make darn sure I don't move back in until he can be safe. And I can guarantee if he or any man EVER hurts me again, I'll be gone in a day.. not months like this time. I lost a lot of self esteem and dignity over this, it will take much time to heal. And it's only being alone that I feel like I can heal, I've just been to resentful of him to let it go, I need my space for now. Best wishes to you...

hi jordan
after rereading your posts i realized the violence you suffered must have been greater than i picked up on at first. thanks for your concearn about me...but i really was coming from a different perspective. no, my husband never tried to hurt me and only did so in trying to keep me away from him..grabbing my hands etc....and i am positive he did not get any kind of a RUSH out of it, like you mentioned in later post.
when i readyour first post, iwas not sure where you were coming from...but if you have been to other forums about abuse you must know its more serious. sorry fo any misunderstanding. lotsa luck.