i posted here once a while ago. my wife also post here sometimes. we are not living together pending a divorce. we have two sons 14 & 13 yrs old. i've ran my wife ragged with the i'll change lines. i have had severe contact with the ow. i want my wife back but i think its FUBAR. man i cant explain why i find it hard to be without but i know i love my wife and i wish i knew how i could repair things. i must br very wrong to see someone else but yearn so deeply for the affection and acception of my wife.i think i drove her too far away and said some very low and degrading things. i've neglected my end of the bills and blew almost all my money. where do i begin? i know my wife still loves me but she wont ever let me close again.i'm reaching out for advice even if its something harsh. i need directions on how to maintain and get a working relationship back with my wife.we r only a few months away from finalizing the divorce and right now things are like iraq between us. its nothing but bickering when we talk. i've screwed up so bad. smetimes i think its hopless to ever have her back and i let myself let the ow back in. then i feel the guilt and remorse and push the ow away and cry to my wife knowing shes gonna make it worse.i'm a totally basket case and i've dealt myself in a world of turmoil. it hurt so bad when i here the disconcerning and anger when i talk the her. ilove her so much i dont want to let go i dont want to give up hope on reconcilation..i also dont want to smother her. its so sad of me to think she will eventually find true love when all the time i've been being the cake man.how can i stop this horror-go-round. i think of my wife everyday all day. as messed up as it sounds when im with the ow trying to bury the hurt, all i do is think about my wife. how do i know if it was love or if im just missing what i had? i think its love but my wife dont think so becuz i still continue to do what separated us.she tells me im weak and cant be consistant and she very right. y?..y do us cheaters do that? is there any changing that? is one single person permantly scared with a personality trait? can personalities and behavior be changed? i've got big time issues and i keep trying to deal with them the wrong way. my therapist told me it was ok to see the ow if she was there for emtional support only, but that wont fly with my wife. im sorry for rambling but it helped let the tears out.thanks for anyone thoughts on this.

hangin-
You need to talk to a counsellor to look deep inside yourself and find out why you keep doing this to your wife. If your w sees that you are making an effort to repair YOURSELF, she might see a glimmer of hope.

If, after seeing a counsellor, you find that you REALLY can't control yourself, or you want out of the marriage, then get a divorce and don't hurt her again.

The only advise I have for you is to let go and place it in God's hands. Your wife has alot of pain, anger, resentment, etc.... that you yourself admit that she has every right to have. You need to focus on working on you and find out what causes you to do what you do. Unfortunately, damage has already been done and you have to forgive yourself, get help and try to show her you have made a complete change in your life. This can't happen over night, it will take time, that is the hardest part. I read on here one time that if you are mean't to be a divorce won't stop that from happening. You make sure to concentrate on loving your kids, still love and respect your wife. The hardest part of life is letting go of someone you love with all your heart. I had to do that with my H, I would give anything at this point to hear from him what I am hearing from you. Yes, I would be fearful, I would have to see a complete change from him, but the love I have is deep within my soul and the emptiness that I feel is unbelieveable. You need to however break off with the OW because you are putting a bandaid on the pain. I could get into another relationship right now and it will numb the pain but you are delaying the inevitable and not allowing your pain, and not allowing the healing that needs to start taking place in you. I am with you, I hear you and we all do things and make mistakes in life the biggest tradgedy is not learning from them and keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. It took me a long time to realize that and I still get caught up in those patterns but when it is all said and done with I will be able to say I did my best and I am trying to do it right this time. hang in there, focus on you and the kids, you can try MC even with the divorce just in order to have a relationship that is good for the kids. God Bless.

Hangin,

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Truly I am. Now, for my harsh comments. You need to grow some you-know-whats and end it once and for all with OW. It’s the only chance you have with your wife. And the longer you put off doing that, the less chance there is for you. Besides, it’s the right thing to do for OW as well if you’re spending all day thinking about your wife. I mean, what’s the point in being some guy’s mistress if he’s spending all day and night thinking about his wife?

Second, you better step up to the plate financially. Miss a child support payment and you’ve added another nail in the coffin of her love for you. Remember, missed child support payments will bring out the tiger-mom in all of us.

Third, no more pickering. If she baits you, torments you, ignore her. You don’t have to be sicky sweet, smothering. But no fighting. No pot-shots. Let the lawyers do that for you. That’s what they’re there for.

Fourth, spend time with the kids. (Oops. I assumed you have some. If not, substitute the dog. Yep. That was supposed to be a joke, though dogs are children to some.) Good fathers are very attractive to mothers. Good father does NOT mean spoiling children, just in case.

Now for the good news. It ain’t over til it’s over, and even then it could start again. I don’t think it would be realistic to think you could stop the divorce in the few weeks time you have left. But, think how much fun it would be to marry her all over again? This time with a better understanding of what it takes to make the marriage work, both on her end and on yours.

None of what I recommend is easy. You’ll continue to be hurt and lonely for a while and there’s no guarantee that she’ll come back. Finances are tough to fix in this economy. But, I know you can do it. You just have to know you can do it. And, if you believe in a Higher Being, call on him to give you the strength. Heck, even if you don’t believe, call on him anyway. God’s mercy and love are such that he rescues agnostics and atheists all the time.

Just a thought. Rush Limbaugh has a line he uses. “Talent on loan from God.” Sounds extremely arrogant until you think about it. Our entire lives are on loan from God. He created us, we’d have no talent, no nothing without Him. So, just ask for a little more, get one with the plan to show your wife that you’re the perfect man for her!

thanks for the support i hope i can keep up the positive attitude. i spoke with my wife tonight and she let me read between the lines that all hope isnt lost.she wont tell me that directly.im just gonna hold onto that glimmer of hpoe and run with it. its not gonna be an easy process becuz this is years of learned behavior. i just hope i can recognize things before i regret it. its also gonna be hard to let the ow go becuz she became an easy out. i cant understand y i dont hate her when i should. day #1 living for a better tomorrow