I keep trying to be strong, things just feel so out of control, I am trying to hold it together the best i can and not hold onto the resentment and hate that I am having for my stbxh. My parent's had to take off of work today to take my stbxh belongings to a storage for him. We sold our house and they are moving in this weekend. It just amazes me how 15 years of all I knew has been so easily discarded. I look forward to knowing that I will develop alot of character and strength I never knew I had but I just hope I am around to enjoy it. I feel like I can collapse at any moment. My son was suspended from school for 3 days I have to pay for a sitter because I can't miss anymore work. My parent's have done all they can to help. I sat down and talked to the kids and asked that they help in every way right now, but then they get angry and say why does dad get to just sit on his butt all day?? I told them life isn't always fair but we will come out of this ok. I am now on a no contact with my husband, the children can talk twice a week but the restraining order says no contact for him and I. I did however email his mother and ask her if she enjoys knowing she has a son that walked out on his own children??? I take the ignored response as condoning his behaviour. They don't call to see if the kids are ok, they don't care they just have written us off. I guess that is what I keep beating myself up about. How do you just turn off the love???? I would really like to know so that I can flip the switch, I would really like to not have this feeling everyday. Well thank you for letting me vent, if anyone knows where that switch is could you please let me know.

Is it really love or the fear of the unknown? Is the devil you know really better than the unknown?

{{{momma}}}

All one can do is take one day at a time. There's good days and bad ones, and yes, the kids make it harder as they take their anger out on the one that's nearest... that always seems to be us moms.

It is horrible what divorce does to people, especially when they seem to disregard the children so that they can make life as uncomfortable for the stbx as possible. I think that is one of the most hurtful things, we feel love and try to understand and they use that and just try and hurt you all the more.

Take a moment for yourself and just close your eyes and know this will be over some time.

Lori

This is reply to newly,

I know what you are saying and on my part I did love him, I really did. I just don't think now that he ever loved me at all. I just don't know how I was so blind for so long thinking that he loved me and he can walk away with no remorse and feel nothing. The depth of the hurt is just more than I ever expected. I know me and the kids are better off without him it just is so fresh that when things get tough, I feel like I can't make it.

mx8, You clearly are strong, raising 8 kids alone! Things feel out of control because they are out of control. Your H has turned your whole life upside down (and your kids', too). Venting here helps so go ahead, you're entitled. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You won't collapse, and things will s l o w l y get better...

It may not make any sense to have loved someone so selfish and hurtful, but we did. Yes, there's fear of the unknown, too, but that doesn't negate the love we had and still have. Grief is a process, there's no ON/OFF switch, and right now, the character you're building probably seems like small compensation for all the pain... I know, I still feel it, too.