I'm 39 and have been married for 9 years to a Japanese woman. We lived in Japan for the first 8 years of our marriage and everything was fine. We had our difficulties that mostly centered around my wifes lack of experience with long term relationships. I often felt as if I was her relationship tutor.

In 2001 we moved to the states and everything went to hell. I was ill prepared for the constant stares, the insults as we passed strangers in public, my wifes daily recounting of run-ins with ignorant members of the public and just the inherent difficulties with adjustment she and I both had to living in the U.S.. I had/have a big dose of reverse culture shock I guess you could say in my case. Couple all this with my need for a great deal of "space" and we had a recipe for disaster.

I sent my wife back to Japan about 18 months ago and I just don't know what to do. We're legally seperated and it scares me to death thinking about getting back together with her. I miss her, we had/have a very intimate connection despite our differences. When we were good we were very good. I just don't know if I want to give up my emotional/physical freedom. Being with my wife was very draining. I'll admit that I was not innocent and did contribute to our problems but it's nice not having had any "problems" these past 18 months.

To complicate matters I've come into contact with a woman I hadn't seen in 20 years that I had had a relationship with. We have renewed our relationship and she knows all about my wife. I do find however that I am reluctant to let this woman "in". I wouldn't think of letting her stay the night in the midst of the furnishings that my wife and I acquired. I am very attracted to this woman but have a lot of reservations. Not about her personally but I guess due to the unresolved situation between my wife and I. It is SO MUCH easier socially with this woman obviously because she and I are of the same race and she is American. We have a common background and point of reference that my wife and I didn't. I find this very comforting as it was sorely missed in my marriage.

I can go on and on about all of this but I am very confused about what the "right" thing is to do. To me I have 3 choices...my wife, my friend or myself. I can sit and make +/- tables all day but I find myself countering each entry. I guess I need someone well versed in these situations who will ask me the right questions so I can sort it all 'cause I surely can't do it on my own. HELP!

What part of the US are you in? My H is caucasian and I am oriental. Stares? Maybe. But together we made such a handsome child. Our son is a good match between the both of us and well I am biased, he is cute! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You have to decide if you want to be married or not. Oriental custom of D the W may make her feel unwanted. I am not sure how custom oriented your W is. Japan is quite Westernized so while it could be a big problem for her, she may already be moving on. Ya think?

Right now you need some real good MC support. Give a call to Jennifer or Steve here @ MB. They will do phone counseling.

We have a few MBers here from Japan. Can't remember exactly who now but if you ask in your thread line, maybe they might show up.

Sorry but my Japanese isn't rusty it just doesn't exist enough to carry a simple conversation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Otherwise I'd offer to speak with your W if you wanted.

If you want your M to succeed you need to break off your R with your friend. Read the book his needs/her needs by Dr Harley.

let us know how you are doing.

L.

"What part of the US are you in? My H is caucasian and I am oriental. Stares? Maybe."

I live in the mid-west, the conservative mid-west. Not only did people stare at us because we were inter-racial but my wife didn't exactly dress for the environment. She is from Tokyo and very style conscious. In that part of the states how she dressed was considered slutty vice fashionable in Tokyo or more cosmopolitan areas of the U.S.. So in passing in public we'd hear, "Whore" or "Slut", "Pay tax", "Go home", things like that.

"But together we made such a handsome child. Our son is a good match between the both of us and well I am biased, he is cute."

That was another problem. We had planned to have a child by 35 but after some unpleasant episodes consisting of inter-action between my children (two daughter from a previous marriage), myself and my wife, I got pretty discouraged. My wife was/is very jealous of my relationship with my daughters.

"You have to decide if you want to be married or not."

That's a good point. I think a lot of my situation revolves around having been married since I was 19. Anymore I'm just reluctant to compromise, I'm tired of doing it. Tired of caring for someone else's emotions and being responsible for them. Tired of having to restrict my own behavior so as not to offend someone else. Not that I'm a vulgar or offensive person but my wife couldn't grasp that we were not one in the same person, that I am an individual.

Originally posted by Sybaris:
...I live in the mid-west, the conservative mid-west. Not only did people stare at us because we were inter-racial but my wife didn't exactly dress for the environment. She is from Tokyo and very style conscious. In that part of the states how she dressed was considered slutty vice fashionable in Tokyo or more cosmopolitan areas of the U.S.. So in passing in public we'd hear, "Whore" or "Slut", "Pay tax", "Go home", things like that.

Orchid: Well they say, 'when in Rome, do as the Romans.' Your W would do well to head that point. She maybe a bit stubborn (we have a japanese name for that but it is not nice), anyway she needs to grow up and be aware of her surroundings. IMHO, too many of these Japanese girls think that fashion statements are more important than relationships. That is NOT how is was a few generations ago. Too much influence from the west.

U know, she might even get those comments out here in California. Why? Becaues I think that when I see some of those young girls. You can really tell who is from Japan vs Hawaii or the mainland. JMHO, though.

... We had planned to have a child by 35 but after some unpleasant episodes consisting of inter-action between my children (two daughter from a previous marriage), myself and my wife, I got pretty discouraged. My wife was/is very jealous of my relationship with my daughters.

Orchid: Blended families are hard and often even harder if another race is mixed in. I am sorry you are having to go through this but if she is not with you 110% of the way, you might want to think twice before you have any children.

The fact that your W is jealous of your daughters is not helping it any. In fact her immaturity in this matter does not cast a good light on her. Japanese women frown on those who don't treat their family well. Maybe I am just too old and feel it is more important to show care and concern vs looking like one just stepped out of Vogue.

I think a lot of my situation revolves around having been married since I was 19. Anymore I'm just reluctant to compromise, I'm tired of doing it. Tired of caring for someone else's emotions and being responsible for them. Tired of having to restrict my own behavior so as not to offend someone else. Not that I'm a vulgar or offensive person but my wife couldn't grasp that we were not one in the same person, that I am an individual.

Orchid: Not sure how old you are but you should not have to put up with someone who is not on the same page as you. If your W thinks you need to crawl on your hands and knees for just a glimps of her approval, she has got it all wrong and you are much better off ending it now and looking for someone more suitable to your personality.

Why? Because eventually that is what will come out. Then what? It is much harder change things once there is history.

Hope this helps, keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.