12yr marriage, 4yo child, wife has A with another woman. I find out, obviously upset, push her away, she goes to counseling, comes to conclusion she hasn't been happy for 5yrs. I come to grips with it within 6 wks, but then she says she's not in love, too far removed, and wants divorce. Of course she is trying to tell me I can't get custody and shouldn't fight it, it will just financially ruin us. I (along with two of her friends)feel that something is still going on between them(OW married with 2 kids, husband not concerned) but have been unable to prove. I still love her and have tried everything to hold onto it. She swears she has not had a lifestyle change and that nothing is still going on. I realize that if she has had change, there is nothing I can do that would save it. We are still together in the house, and she has only had phone conversations with lawyers, no official visit. If this came to light, it could damage her professionally. I don't want to sling mud, but feel I should fight for my child. If she didn't want anyone to know, she shouldn't have done anything. Any advice?

Dear Under,

U should fight for you and your child. Do not waste time trying to find logic with her illogical statements. You are quite correct with your logic about her actions.

However, you will need to prepare yourself for more mudslinging. She may try to make you look bad in addition to what she has already done.

What type of MC support do you have? Have you read any of the books by Dr Harley? How about the book Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson?

L.

Hi Under
I can't give you any advise on the message board but I am very close to this topic and can offer advice offline.
My email address is

C_grilo@hotmail.com

Carl

Thanks for responding, I do intend to fight for my child. Went out of town on "family vacation". Nothing got better, had argument concerning D and custody. I am in counseling for myself now and hope things get better. Still do not want to give up on our marriage even though she is being hateful to me.

Under,

That old 'don't fight because you won't win' is the oldest scare tactic in the world. What it means is 'please don't fight me on this because I don't think I can win/I can't afford to fight back/etc'. By all means, you have every right to pursue custody of your children. Do so vigorously.

And for your own sake, document, document, document everything. Tape phone calls (although they are not admissable in court, they can be very persuasive when played back), keep all written communications...in short, don't trust anything. Protect yourself and your child.

I got my hopes up last evening, I saw 2 e-mails that made me think the OW had broken off the A with my W due to her concern for her family. My hopes were dashed by another that basically said they would keep distance until all is settled. I think she is stringing me along until June(when schools out). I don't know why I keep holding out hope that we can work this out when she clearly says she doesn't want to.

You hold out because you love her. Pure and simple. Now, you want your marriage to work, and clearly she is still carrying on her affair. You could not have come to a better place to try and retrieve your marriage.

Go to the home page. Click on as many of the links there that you can. READ, READ and READ some more. Learn the concepts presented here by the Harleys and give yourself a chance at fighting this.

Learn about Plan A, Plan B, why they are used and when to use them. Learn about Emotional Needs, The Love Bank and Love Busters. Learn about why affairs happen, and what the biggest mistakes you can make are. It is all linked, on the homepage.

Then, apply what you have learned, and any time you need to, write to the good folks here....they offer support and wisdom well beyond what they SHOULD be able to give, since all of us here have been through exactly the same pain you are experiencing now. We know what it is like, and sometimes writing to the MB forum is going to be the most understanding support you will get.

And lastly, keep healthy. Eat well, get some leep, and try to keep to your usual routines as much as possible. If you find you are not coping, see a doctor. Remember this.....in the cruddy mess we have to live through WE are the most important thing. If we are not in good health, we cannot fight the fight.

Love and light,

Jacky