Sorry guys i already posted this in emotional needs.Im thnking nw maybe this forum was more approraite.Ok im new to this forum guys and ive made a lot of mistakes in my marriage so please be gentle.Not even sure if i should have posted here or in dovorcing/divorced but those words are so scary to me right now so i chose to stay away from that forum.I married a woman and from Russia.She was and still is the love of my life.We went through a very trying time going through the fiancee visa process.I visited her in Russia several times before bringing here on the fiancee visa.Each time i went to see her things were great.We shared so many fun times together and it was doing things that i would never do if was at home like going to art museums palaces etc.,,.She is very cutured and i am not but it didnt matter to me where we went because i just wanted to be with her no matter wjhere it was and she felt the same way.After a few visits i became very depressed without her and we were schedueled for her visa interview around late September of 2001.The terrorists hit and our interview was delayed another 2 months laying anoher serious emotional blow to me.Finally in december i wentto Moscow we got her visa and were off to the states.Now my salary is not the greatest so when she arrived i was unable to take her to the most exotic places in the world we settled for weekends at the beach and trips to great adventure and the zoo.We both enjoyed these places very much and had great times tgether.She knew iwasnt rich before she came here an didnt care because she loved me with all her heart.I always wished i could give her more though and with my bills piling up all the time ad barely being able to make ends meethe stress in my life grew and so did my lac of flavor for what life has to offer.I began t neglect my wife and her needs and over the next year i repaetedly pushed her away.Shes very affectionate and i even lost my desire to give that to her.She was not perfect either getting angry for long periods of time and not telling me exactly what was wrong for one or up to 3 days.She was also very hot headed and sometimes would attack me verbally nd sometimes physically but nothing serious.Our relationship blew up about a month ago.We had a huge disagreement where i will leave out the deatils but she packed her bags and left here.After talking to her boss he told me she was staying with some friends of theirs for a few days so i thouht this cooling off period would be good.I found out later she ended up in homeless shelter and i was crushed.I tred my best to find her but her boss was telling me he doesn know where she is but he can call and find out.She finally calls me and asks me what i will do and got angry because i asked her what she would like me t do and hung up on me.I talked to my mother and asked her if Nina could live with her until she found a place to live or retuned home.Later Nina had a restraining order placed on me and ent me an email from the shelter saying if you buy me a plane ticket i will not show up.Long story short fr those curious she attacked me and i pushed her away and she hit her head int a wall.I make no excuses for it, ive never put my hands on a woman before and no matter how much my face was torn up i shold never have dne it.That explains the restaining order.Ok so now i couldnt even go get her out of this shelter but i said ok ill give you the ticket please go to my mothers house until your flight date.She said no i dont feel safe bla bla bla.Next day she called my mother and asked her to pick her up.We spent some time together over the next 10 days waiing for her flight.We did a lot of talking and i was trying to right som of my wrongs.She is home now and hs been for 10 days.She still has a lot of resentment towards me for the neglect and for her ending up in a shelter.I have begun to put put my life back together in the meantime getting a better job with excellnt benefits and trying to convince her things will be different if she comes back.I know that if se comes back i will be differnt because im in no bad financial situaion anymore and im now ready emotionally to be a good husband.Im very anxious to spend the rest of my life making things up to her but i get the feeling from her eamils that she will not return.Ive stopped telling her since how things will b different and stopped putting pressure on her.I just don know what to do right now i need my wife very badly and the pain of being without he is overbearing.Does anyone think theres anything i should do besides wait and does anyone think she will come back?Also could anyone explain to me how i could continue to push away someone who i loved so dearly.I would really appreciate any help o input from anyone who has gone through a similar situaion of nglect.Thanks everyone and please be gentle.Mike

why do you insist that we be gentle? what are you cowering from before we even type at you?

do you only want us to respond with what you want to hear?
can you not handle a direct criticism?

I would like to know if you are just looking for sympathy?

wiftty

mainly because i already posted my story in another forum and have already been ripped to shreds.I am beating myself up enough over things and im looking for any advice on how i can help to mend my marriage not to be reminded of everything ive done wrong.I already know what an idiot i was and am doing things every day to improve myself.I thought i might be able to get good advice.

Of course i am open to criticism so if you feel the need to make a point by all means.

the hardest part of all this pain and heartache is to know when to let go.. I still have yet to figure that one out. You have to concentrate on you right now and not try to figure out her. I keep saying this phrase because it is so true. We keep doing the same thing expecting different results. I got some good advice on this forum and I think the most valuable is "if you are meant to be together, divorce, friends, family, no matter what it is you will be together" That my friend is called faith. God has a plan for all of us and we have to do it in their time....I received this email today....it says

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this", or "Why did God
have to do this to me". Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is
moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely
Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her
daughter. "How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!" "Would you like
some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!" To
which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go
through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts
these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have
to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise
every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live
anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. I hope your day is a
"piece of cake!"

Hang in there,,,,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mainly because i already posted my story in another forum and have already been ripped to shreds.I am beating myself up enough over things and im looking for any advice on how i can help to mend my marriage not to be reminded of everything ive done wrong.I already know what an idiot i was and am doing things every day to improve myself.I thought i might be able to get good advice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">its a free internet site, what kin d of advice do you really think you will get?

personally, i would go straight for the divorce and start individual counseling on why you are the way you are. . . just because you lost one relationship, doesn't mean you can't learn and find another one.

finally, something doesn't make sense, so bear with me, since i am not a comforting person, it won't get you very far anyway, why did you go through all the trouble and EXPENSE of dragging someone out of a foreign culture instead of finding someone living in your current local, which i don't know. . . .

I find what you did ODD enough that the strategy was a high risk strategy, and therefore, i would assume that you are avoiding something here locally, either within yourself, or externally. . .

BTW, didn't you ever break up with a girl in high school? and then keep going to find another?

wiftty

<small>[ April 05, 2003, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: lostmywifeinpa ]</small>

Dear Lost,

Welcome to MB. So far you haven't stated anything to validate what your w did by leaving you. Was she properly understood or did she stretch the truth to validate the RO?

Now you say you love your W and I believe you, yet what is your W doing to show she loves U? Does she have friends and family here?

It is a bit odd that she tells you the opposite of what she does. Is it a language barrier thing? I certainly hope your W did not lead you on in any way to take advantage of you bringing her to your home? My family is from Hawaii and I have witnessed many from other countries use Americans as a ticket to their 'supposed freedom'. Otherwise known as 'marriage for citizenship/$$'.

Have you read the book his needs/her needs by Dr Harley?

Please tell us more.

Thanks,
L.

<small>[ April 05, 2003, 03:45 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi L and thanks for the warm welcome.I met with my wife several times before bringing her over here.I have no doubts that she truly loved me.I went through a lot of stress waiting for her to come and when she finally did get here i shut myself down emotionally to her.We had a lot of good times but she was here alone i was all she had and i shut her out.I didnt meet the emotional needs and for the most part she was pretty heavily neglected.I make no excuses for it i just hope that i get another chance to prove to her that i really can take care of her financially and emotionlly some day.Her reasons for the RO were her "friends" put her in a shelter and she blamed it on me.She insisted that i would never buy her a plane ticket home because of the big fight we had so she used the RO to get her ticket home.I would have if she had just asked but we had a serious lack of communication at this point.We had our differences but now im learning once again why i married her and why i love her so much.I was an emotional mess during the time she was here and im to blame for her going home.It wasnt one night that she went home for it was the neglect that did it.We did have some lack of communication with the language barrier that caused soe problems though.She still insists that i was emailing her mother saying i wanted a divorce and i didnt want her anymore but last night i managed to track down the last email i sent to her mother and it went like this:i understand and agree mama but Nina has filed papers against me.I am not allowed to be near here or police will come after me.Shw wants me to buy her a plane ticket home or send me to police.im trying to give her what she wants she we do not separate angry.She does not want me anymore mama she just wants to go home.Mike
This was in response to a letter her mother wrote to me suggesting marriage counselling.They get dos and do nots mixed up a lot and im afraid that my do not want a divorce was turned to a i want a divorce.Just a part of her reason for her hostility.She or I no longer have any copies of emails dating back further and if we did i think a lot could be cleared up.Russian women are very stubborn and set in their ways and if i dont have proof im guilty until proven innocent.I hope this is enough information for you.If you need to know more just ask im an open book.My wife and i do talk every day and she says she is shut down emotionally right now.She says shes not sure if she is coming back or if shes staying she says she stuck in the middle right now.She just needs lots of alone time to think so he has accepted a teporary job in Kiev where she will have plenty of time to figure some things out.She hates Russia very much for various reasons an her friends and family insist that a Russian woman cannot find love with an American man she should look for a Russian man.No oneunderstands her so shes pretty much left to deal with this alone.Ok i think that about covers it all.Mike

advice from me..
Hi. I try not to judge and frankly the people who ripped you may not be the best advisors (including myself). Remember, if we didn't have marital PROBLMES we probably wouldn't be on this site at all. No one is perfect.
I'm writing you because I know a little about this situation.
First, you going to Russia to get a wife probably was not the best idea. In my profession, I've dealt with many situations were people go to other countries to get their wives. They marry and bring the girl over here. Many times, the girl misses her family, becomes depressed, and marital problems occur.
There was no excuse in anyone hitting anyone and you're stuck with a restraining order. The more you try to get closer to her the farther she will run away. Believe me, if she wasn't afraid of you she wouldn't be living in a shelter and asking for a plane ticket back to Russia.
Many times it's a matter of cultural differences and her missing her family. Many other times it may be her so desperate to get into the USA that she'll try with someone who she may not have given the time of day to. I don't know if this is your situation or not, but many such marriages simply end in divorce. I'm not saying your a bad guy, but you and her, drew a hand of cards with the stack already against you.
In any event, my suggestion to you is this. First, get her the plane ticket she wants.
Second, get yourself into therapy to deal with this situation, and show her that you are responsible.
Third, don't pressure her to come back. Simply tell her that the ticket is round trip and you'll be willing to get into counseling.
Fourth, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to her family about the situation and let them know she's coming home.
Last, don't take her back in a week if she calls. You need to get your head straighted out. Perhaps in a month or three, she may miss you.

The more you press the faster she'll run, but it's up to you. I wish you well.
J