While packing up stbxh belongings I find letter addressed to me in Mar of 1993 while we were living apart. It tells me his undying love for me and that I am his one and only and how he would love me forever and never will he love anyone but me....etc....Anyway after bawling uncontrollably I know I shouldn't have done it but my emotions had the best of me, I pick up the phone and call him....I know I know, what about Plan B, anyway I read him this letter and instead of getting the response of well that was then this is now, he tells me he still feels that way. That I am the only girl he will ever love and that he loves me more than he could ever show me. He then tells me that we just can't live together because we hurt each other too bad, which is true....but we just have to have this time apart. I then say I know what you are saying but I have everything on me right now and it is quite overwhelming. He then made some comments that he was missing me if you get my drift, which in that area of our life that has never been an issue. We discuss for the first time the arrangements for the kids and that he plans on moving back to our home town, not anytime soon mind you but once he gets his life together and we both have plenty of counseling (indiviudally that is , never MC). Anyway the conversation ended with I love you's and was very pleasant. BUT TODAY!!! I am sitting here going what the heck happened, This man just left me with 8 kids and I am saying I love you. Please give me insight of what the heck is happening, is this normal??? so to speak, the divorce is still in process, we both agreed to it because too much damage is done. He feels that we will be together again that he will never be with anyone else but me...help i am so confused.

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: mommax8 ]</small>

Bi-polar is a big indication of the core problem. And with eight children, as they get older, they also may start showing signs of the illness.

I can't stress strongly enough a low sugar, low stimulant diet for children of bi-polars. No caffiene! Also train them in the management of feelings - no suppression, but more of a mastery based training - where they learn to verbalize their feelings and thoughts instead of act out on them.

e-mail me if you want more info on dealing with bi-polar tendencies.

Big,Big huggs just for you Momma8

I am so sorry not getting back to you sooner. I have been caught up in a whirl wind with issues which my son and I are having, sending my emotions& my head/heart spinning out of orbit apart from everything else.

I feel so sad for each single drop of tear which you have shed. Imagine to read his old letter like that and hear those words that hooked you, in so long ago, and set up you to break your heart. He's saying it all over again and wanting you to open your heart and telling you such things at this time is so incredibly selfish of him and hurting you all over again.

Your already going through such "intense sorrowful mourning" and courageously moving through. I can only imagine hearing him say those words to know all over to you would be so deeply comforting on some levels yet, let's face it "rejection wounds" are so horribly painful and yet you are being re- traumatized all over again.
Those words were meant to have committment with them. Words of real love heal and do not harm to these levels of depths.

You have suffered so much already and I agree with the above person comments about that Bi-polarism being the primary focus here and effects of bipolarism on the children. Children growing up with such a person can have what I have read can manifest Bi-Polarism 5 of living with such a person.

My STBX besides his alcholism has Bi-Polar 2.... but the irresponiblity,pride, depression are roots problems. Alcholism/Drugs is secondary problems, along with his sex addictions.

The high price you and your children are suffering as a result of his problems is tremendous and a sad shame your bearing the entire burden/severe consequences.

You and your kids have been put through so much heartache, your worlds turned upside down, you must be so exhausted to the core and have so emotionally damaged.

It doesn't seem fair that the family members must bear the mental/emotional load, turmoil and that everyone lose their own emotional well being/stablility because he chooses not to get help.

Wondering if your doctor has you on any anti depressants to help you through this terrible heart wrenching time.... It's time to care for you!

How are you feeling as human being underneath the wreakage? I know I am still having days which I feel like I have come out of emotional train wreck and am simply feeling sometimes so numb, shocked, stunned, burnout, wondering will the we ever get through this mess.

Asking my self did this rude reality really happen? Is is all a bad dream, surely things will go back to normal, all these questions I ask my self.

Also wondering are you aware of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder????

My Stbx has told me all through this past year that he still loves me, tells the kids this but it's all a selfish lie. Reality says his actions and lifestyle tells the real truth. Truth is he is only love with himself, drinking,emotional sickeness, and of course he is well on to his 7 th or more affairs. In the bars three nights a week or more, sking on fridays, girlfriends for his weekends.

We wonder why we have meltdowns?

Lots of love sent your way! Huggs, huggs, huggs!

Thank you so much mayflower, days have been very difficult but i am making it one day at a time. I too and tired of this and look forward to the day i can put some of this behind me....many hugs back to you...

Momma8,

Wanted to let you know how touched I was reading your recipe for baking a cake God style. I just have big tears in my eyes.

Yes, it is all one day at a time. Somedays seem more like trying to get through one second at time.

I am so concerned for you and pray that support, love and kindness will abound all around you.

Look how far you have come baby!!!!

Balloons of hugs.........

What he said and his letter says, was very thoughtful. There are times when 2 people need to be separated from each other. There are times when too much damage has been done. And then there are times, when the love will grow back, and you two can become one again.

Your husband is expressing love towards you. Do you feel his actions are sincere towards you and the kids? That is what counts.

Maybe he needs time away, to find himself, to find out who he is, Mid-Life Crisis hits some men really hard,and some can slide through. Just like us menopausey women. Some are hit hard with a big bomb, and some slide through like a dolphin.

Maybe your husband is Bi-polar. Good to check out with the above response. But I see a man that is trying to find out who he is, and why he is where he is at. Many smart men, go through MLC and wonder why they are alive. Wonder why they have acted so ballistic. Wonder why they have treated their family like they did. Smart men have a harder time dealing with this, cause everything else has come so easily.

I have a smart husband going trhough the same thing. Going through counseling has really opened my eyes, to a lot of what men go through, and the internal thoughts of these men.

I would keep saying I Love You. I would keep on the right track of showing him your love and kindness. Maybe the divorce won't go through. Maybe he will come to a point that says, he wants to work on the marriage again, and be home with the kids. The possibility is there. Be glad that the two of you aren't fighting, and yelling. Be glad that the two of you can say to each other that you love each other. Many go through the divorce and are unable to say that. I can say it to my hsuband, but he is unable to say it to me. Cause he doesn't love me at all. He just sees me as a mother of his children and that is all. There is nothing else that he sees in me.

So you should consider yourself one step ahead. Go through individual counseling. I would not push the group counseling yet. Work on yourself, and find out who you are. Since you have 8 kids, you have devoted most of your time to your family and kids. You haven't really done anything for yourself. This is the time to work on yourself, and work on who you are.

Just my thought. If my hsuband were to say to me that he loved me, I would be delighted with those heart felt words. But since I don't hear them, there is nothing to look forward to. I look for our divorce to be final very very soon. And to move on and get my life together, and go back to school. Maybe that is something you could do, go back to school, and see if there is a field that would be of great interest to you.

Mommax8,

My husband said same thing,that we could not get along and treated each other bad. It was true and I had to learn how to treat my husband. Things get messing, especially with children.I learned what I needed at this site www.restorem.org

I also found hope here.

genlte