Ok so my exhusband pays me not alot in child support - like 150.00 for two kids - and he is suppose to pay half of their activities and that I have got to tell you is like pulling teeth - So now he has a part time job - making 180.00 more per week... so I figured out - his child support would change to 162.00 a week - techinically he is only suppose to pay me 125.00 a week - but because he overpays - I don't charge him 1/2 for activities, dance - flute or tutoring - so now if I am suppose to get 162.00 - then you take into consideration half of the activities which I am not really charging him for and we are now talking $2000.00 - he thinks that I should just let him have his parttime job - and not want anymore money - because he owes the government money because he didn't change his deductions until like November - and we filed seperately because we were divorced in September.

So now the blame part comes - it is my fault that he owes the government, it is my fault that he has to ride his bicycle to work, it is my fault that he cannot afford to take the kids anywhere because he cannot afford to, it is my fault that he cannot afford to keep his telephone or cable on... OK so he is the one that left, he is the one that cheated.. He is getting the equity in the house when my youngest graduates high school in eight years and that was his idea. He seems to think that I am made of money because I have food in my refridgerator (ok I have two kids) - I am going on a cruise in may that I used my christmas bonus for - and god forbid I bought a treadmill.... charged it mind you...

So now my oldest daughter is not doing well in school - she does not want to go with her father at all - they never had a great relationship when he lived at home - and now he is telling her stuff like - OK I am not buying you a birthday present because you don't love me - and I am gonna tell Nana that also and she won't buy you one either... OK so do I have to force her to go with him - if it is probably at this point in her best interest not to??? The divorce decree says open agreement in the best interest of the children... How do I stop feeling bad when he says he doesn't have anything?? and tries to lay the guilt trip on me??? And How do I just stop talking to him at all?????

his life form has reverted back to pond scum... ?

Sorry, I'm just trying to think of a reason for this man's slimy behavior.

I can't imagine why you would WANT to talk to him. The courts clearly gave you the option of having your children's best interest at heart --- leave GOING to your Daughter - do NOT force her to go if it is not her desire.

As for the BLAME thing --- isn't it time to quit allowing him so much CONTROL over your life --- he divorced you.

Just my POV

Jan

Ah, if only our xh's and stbxh's used their wily, manipulative ways for good instead of evil...the world would be so much more of a better place!!

He really knows how to play the head games with you and play that poor pitiful me tune. And who exactly put him where he is today????? All he needs to do is look in the mirror for his answers.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she is of an age to make the decision about who she wants to be with, then I say let her. If she doesn't want to see him, I wouldn't force it. It's just another reminder of the family he CHOSE to give up, and he can't deal with that. He has to make it someone else's fault....hmm, let's see, like YOUR fault???

Don't you worry over him one more minute. You're a good, strong person and you deserve better than to be badgered over his problems...ignore him and let him deal. Just focus on you and what's right and good for you.

If this sounds a bit rambling, I'm on my second glass of wine after a long day at my almost minimum wage job, and I am sick to death of hearing my stbxh whine about how little he will have after spousal support and child support. None of them want to face up to any responsibilities, they only want to play and have fun....playing costs, big time.

Now for another glass of wine....take care maw.
Don't carry his failures on your shoulders.

SJ2 - OK Pond Scum - I like that - Jan you are totally right - he definately has the control thing over me - which he does not deserve - I am doing ok - and I know that he did this - but everytime he whines and yes he does whine - I actually tend to feel sorry for him - but I am trying to tell myself - stop this is his decision... Thank you for your POV - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Broken x 3 - you were not rambling and you drink your wine... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - The blame thing is the thing that gets to me - though how he can blame me for ending up standing on my own two feet after being totally screwed over - is ridiculous - I am going on a cruise in May - I used my Christmas Bonus and believe me I need the vacation - and after I get the I have no gas money, have no food - I get the well you are going on a cruise - you are doing ok...Well I know that he is never gonna get it... I guess I just have to accept it - and like SJ2 said - do not let him have this control over me... My daughter is going to be 13 in two weeks and basically the world revolves around her is the attitude I get - but when it is affecting her school work etc... It is time for me to maybe actually stand up for her rights with her Dad - and I have to make him get past himself and stop thinking I am using them as an excuse... Thanks again... Mimi

first of all, $150.00 per week IS a lot of money, its $7,800 per year, It would pay the rent on an apartment where i'm from,look at it this way, if someone else pays your rent every month, and you work for a living, raising two kids is not all that bad,thats what my EX wife got from me untill I got ONE of my kids, She makes what i make and she cries poor all the time, FUNNY how someone who ends up with $7800.00 a year MORE than me cries poor,I have a HOME, she rents an apt.,and i have TWO mortgages....In my state CHILD SUPPORT is for ANYTHING related to the kids, lessons, food, clothes, etc., women only get MORE for that stuff IF, IF there is a special problem or need for the child. Us guys can only work so many hours a day, we would like to have a life too, OK??? And by the way, in my state VISITATION is mandatory, you cant keep the kids from dad, and the kids cant CHOOSE not to go. MONEy is always an issue, i have an idea, why dont YOu give HIM custody and PAY what he pays, stand in his shoes for a while.... i finally got ONE of my kids, and honestly i dont see why my EX cried poor all these years, I'm supporting my kid and NO ONE's sending me a dime..

Hey,
I'm sure sorry to hear all this! Wish I could give more advice. My ex is late on his very first payment since our divorce in March. So, I know how you feel...Maybe we can chat on IM, I'll look for ya!
KK

mimi,

Isn't it frustrating that most of these people who are the ones to leave the family are either the ones who whine because their lives are not as good as they planned it to be, or they are busy trying to destroy the ones they left behind?

I'm not even sure which one would be easier to deal with; whiner or destroyer. I've got a destroyer, who is probably going to become a whiner in the next few weeks, so I'll let you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just remember that he made his own choice. Your D is 13, and probably can make up her own mind whether she wants to see her father or not. I know in CA the age where the courts finally take into consideration the child's feelings is at 14.

If his whining is upsetting, just remember that you had nothing to do with his choices, that you've done everything you can to make a sound life for you and the kids after he left. You deserve a break and don't let him make you feel guilty for taking one!

Lori

FortyOne - OK I sense a little annoyance with me - which is fine...But as for my exhusband - I am not keeping my children away from him - this is really his choice - he was seeing them one night per week - but you know what - after today - after he decided to call up my oldest daughter - trashed and call her a f-ing little b-itch - then proceed to come to my house and break my door in the kitchen - punch the back door - and try to smash the window - then go outside and rip the bush out of the ground because you know why he planted it - all of this in front of the children ... And we both make the same amount of money but right now he is making 200 more dollars a week than me - I kept the house so my children would not have to move I am paying a 1600 mortgage and he is paying a 600.00 rent payment - so as for me crying poor mouth it really isn't that - it is just that he thinks that he should be able to go off and live his happy little life and I should pay for all of the girls activities - - I am not thinking that is fair - and you know what I don't think that he would ever think about taking the kids at all - so I don't think that is happening - but thanks for your suggestions... Oh and back to the children visitation - I actually want him to want to see them more - I am always the one trying to encourage the relationship - but you know what I am done...

KK2002 - thanks for responding - I will try to look for you - I hope all is well with you...

Bangarra - You know what that is a good word frustrating - he acts like I am the one that totally took our lives and flipped them upside down - that I am the one that slept with the neighbor - and that I am the one that should take all of this blame for something I didn't do - and you know what - it still works - the blame thing - he keeps inflicting on me day after day... after the little episode that I described up to forty one - he called me after all of that and said that he was done with me and the kids and that he hoped we had a great life because he was out of ours - and I told him simply that he was gonna loose.... if he made that decision - but I guess we will see where it ends up tomorrow when he wakes up sober.... Thanks for your support...

{{{mimi}}}

If he just did all that damage in front of your children and spoke to your daughter in that manner, he is NOT someone that should have the kids. You shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior, EVER. Yes, they put the blame game onto anyone else but themselves, but that doesn't mean that we have to buy into it. It's called "buttons" and they are used to pushing them and getting results. We need to learn to cancel the reaction that we give. And YES, it is hard and I speak from experience.

Divorce may seperate two adults, but it is supposed to try and set up what is in the children's best interests. I know, hard to follow that kind of thinking when no one can really know what is going on in the family, but they do try. Everyone understands that USUALLY it is best for children to have two parents, and that is why the courts try and do custody splits to get both parents some time with the kids. They do this even if the kids don't want to see the other parent, and that is another story.

Support is set up so that the parent with primary custody can get some financial relief from the parent that doesn't have them as much. The more custody a parent has means they are rewarded by not having to pay so much support. When there are parents who do not have any custody time, or it is neglible, then they pay more support to the custodial parent. Kids are expensive and the courts realize that the one who has them the most is usually spending more on them and their needs. Think this is what causes so many "custody" battles. Not so much that parents want the kids more, but that it becomes a monetary issue. Kind of sickening, actually.

You may want to file a police report about the damage done. If he does that type of behavior in front of the children, he isn't exactly someone I would call safe. He should be held laible for the damage and one thing I did learn, is that to have some documentation if it does escalate is a good thing. What you described is scary!

Take care of yourself and your children.

lori

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: bangarra ]</small>

Lori - Thank you - my kids and I are ok - my oldest she is fine - she understands that he was drunk - but my youngest 10 - had a hard time going to sleep kept coming down asking questions about her Dad - is she going with him?? Does she have to?? Why did he leave etc...??? I am telling you one more question and I would have broken down - but unbelievably - I am have held it all together - They are my main concern - I definately want them to have a relationship with their Dad - but not the person he is now - he has been lying to them - he is confusing them - he is really hurting them.. And again - bam blaming me - but I am not taking the blame for this one.. I am hoping that he somewhat remembers what happened - I am also wondering if he was on something more than alcohol??? I really don't know - but I don't want my kids with him - if he is drunk... So I guess I am just going to have to wait it out - until he tries to get in contact - or the girls want to talk to him.... Thank you again for your support..