I'm having such a hard time dealing with my situation, all I do is cry. I can't seem to get past this phase. I know my m is over and I don't want him back but I miss my old life. I'm grieving so bad that I'm starting to realize that I'm not as strong as I thought and I don't like myself. I call H just to talk because I need to hear his voice and then I keep asking why wasn't I good enough for him. I should not want anything to do with him he doesn't deserve my love but I can't stop myself. Why am I like this? He doesn't call me just to talk he knows that it's over and tells me he hurts but it's always me chasing him. I ask to meet with him just so I can see him and when I see him I don't hug him or anything like that but I feel secure with him around. I find when my son goes to meet his dad that I'm jealous and I wish I could go too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel so weak and I'm really not liking myself. I just cry all the time. When does it end? I'm sick of myself!!!

You and I are in the same boat...I know exactly how you feel as I just wiped my tears off my cheek. All I can say is that it must be because it is so fresh for the both of us and if you read the other posts some folks have been dealing with this pain for quite some time. YOU ARE STRONG don't think you aren't you are doing the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life. My stbxh is telling me he still loves me and I am the love of his life but we are toxic for one another. The pain is the most unbearable thing I have ever felt in my life, it sucks the life right out of you. All I can say is we will make it because so many have. Time will heal all wounds is what they say, it has only been a month for the both of us. I guess I am lucky in a sense that I don't have to see my stbxh because he left the state, unfortunately that means my children don't either. I know what you mean by being so angry with yourself for loving someone that his actions speak such disrespect and no he doesn't deserve your love but that doesn't mean it will stop. You have many years invested as I did, you can't just stop loving someone when they have been the center of your world for what seems your whole life. The best thing I have is GOD, my children and the Divorce Care class that I attend every week...very helpful...you and I are at the same stage and I think we can help one another.....Keep telling yourself this will get better and really it does (so I am told). Many hugs and blessings.

1122 - what you are feeling is sincere. You feel like a bulldozer has rammed into your body. You have no energy, loss of weight, can't think, get things mixed up, can't speak without babbling. All signs of depression. You need to see a Dr.and get on anti-depressants. You will only have to be on them for awhile.

You cry, cause your life is all messed up. You cry, cause you gave your soul and body to your husband, You cry, cause you still love the man. You cry, cause of jealousy. You cry because you are scared. All normal, and all are the outcome of divorce.

I was there, and sometimes I slide back. But I have moved on from that bit. I did lose weight, and now have gained back about 15#'s. Am going to lose it again. I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't think, couldn't hardly to anything. I wanted to stay in bed, and cry, and I thought of suicide.

I don't ever think of suicide. No one, hon, no one is worth that. Your life is Gods life. I would never think of ending my life for my hsuband. But if he wanted to end my life, that is his decision.

YOu seem to feel sad and lonely. Normal feelings. You seem like you have lost your best friend. Those are normal too. Now, you are going to have to take the next step. Find yourself. Find out what makes you happy. Find out what makes you tick. Read some books, or get counseling. Have you and your husband thought of counseling?

Counseling, is to be by a professional. My husband and I went to a counselor. The thing I realize is that this counselor was not a marriage counselor. He was for abusive men. He worked in a prison. And did counseling outside of prison with a christian service. I did not feel easy with the counselor. He didn't put things down on paper. He didn't have a plan. He didn't say we are going to work on this or that. When we would go into the office, he would ask us what we wanted to talk about.

The counselor I am seeing now, individual counseling, is really helping me. Helping me see me. I feel he would of been able to help both of us, but my hsuband refused to go. So I am going myself for me. He has homework for me. He has papers that I look at everyday. He has a plan. And we have set a 3 month plan. And at the 6 month plan, I am going to have a hard time. And we are preparing for that time. I need counseling, and I am on anti-depressants. I am not proud to say this to anyone, but I tell them I need it, and it is helping. I am becoming stronger, everyweek. At first, I couldn't see any changes, but now I do.

I feel sorry for my husband, cause I do love him, but he is free to go. I care about him too. And it hurts to see a man so calous. But these are his decisions, and I can't change them. All I do is pray for him, and ask God to help me survive.

Prayer, really helps. I have joined a wonderufl church, and this church has become part of my extended family. I love the people, and am at the ground level of this church building. We started out with 9 of us. And it has grown to about 60. I am enjoying the couples there, and in fact I know a few of the couples.

So get involved with your church, friends, and family. Your family is there to help you. And to cry to them helps. I did, and it really did help.

This is a hard time in your life, and there is so much that is going on in your system. So you need to take care of you, and be good to yourself.

Cry here, Cry to God, we will listen, and help, wishing that I could lend you my shoulder, Hon, crys help get rid of stress.

{{{{{{{lj}}}}}}}}}} As mx8 says, many, if not most, of us on this site have been where you're at. If you look at the time-lines in people's signature lines, or just look at the date people registered, you'll see how long many of us have been at this. It takes time, a lot of time unfortunately. mx8 is right, it's the worst pain I've ever felt, and I'm a cancer survivor (surgery, chemo, radiation, the whole works), but this was worse.

Have you read the Harley's books on Plan A & B? I know I had a hard time not calling my STBXH or accepting his abusive calls, since any conversation seemed better than none. It makes you feel so degraded, and even worse, it's because of your own behavior! I was finally able to end it and haven't had contact with my H for almost a year. I have to see him this month in my lawyer's office and I'm dreading it. Just thinking about it has brought back some of the pain.

The fact is, it's normal to feel hurt when someone you love betrays you and turns your world upside down, and beating up on yourself doesn't help. Support is important. MB is a great help. I've gotten tremendous support from Al-Anon because my H is an alcoholic/addict. I've also been in individual counseling for over a year. Others have gone to divorce support groups.

Be good to yourself, you're only human.

Thank you for responding to my cries for help. I am doing all the right thing as you all have suggested, I see an IC and I'm on anti-depressants and my family and friend are my support system. I run and go to a gym and I belong to a bowling league. I try to keep busy but none of that seems to help me. I have been with my H for 27 years and he was my heart and soul and know I have to find out who I am without him. I am scared and I would love to get in my car and just drive straight ahead and keep going but that can't happen. I see a lawyer on Monday and just thinking about it makes me cry but I have to do what I have to do. My H had a good thing and ruined it because of his infidilty and it breaks my heart that he did this to us. We had a good thing (so I thought) and I am floored that this is my life. I really thought we were happy and so didn't every one else. I miss him and I miss talking to him but he doesn't seem to miss me. I have to let my heart get caught up with my head because my head can think rational but my heart aches all the time. I know time is the answer but I just ache all the time and I get scared because I can see how some days I don't want to get out of bed and do another day. This is the worst pain I have ever had and I just want it to end. I have such a long way to go and I sometime just want to through in the towel. Thanks for the hugs. LJ

You sound perfectly normal to me. In fact, what you're going through is my biggest fear and the reason I haven't yet filed for D from my WH. I KNOW I'm going to be in a pit of heartache. I still love him and he loves me but he's done SOOO much damage. I get sick thinking about what I need to do and how are my kids going to handle it and how am *I* going to handle it.

It would be so much easier if we could just use our heads and ignore our hearts because they don't always agree. There's nothing wrong with you. There are going to be alot of tears - just try your best to include some happy moments in your life. Hopefully, for all of us, there will gradually be less and less tears and more moments of happiness.

Go to therapy it will help you find that happiness comes from with in ourselves. You can be strong, you do have what it takes, and you probably just want someone to take care of you.
I have been separated for about 8 months (we are still living together as roommates). I drove myself crazy trying to win her back. What finally helped me was letting go....morning the lose of my marriage, and my family. Find some way to take control of your life.......we can all be happy no matter what!
There are two books that have been very helpful to me. "Don't sweat the small stuff....and it's all small stuff". And “You can be happy no matter what".
Also a good therapist would be helpful, insurance pays for most of it.
Best wishes, Ed

You are crying because you are watching the death of your love, your life, your dreams. And it seems even more painful, imho, because it's not really a death but a murder. SOMEONE killed all these things and now they are beyond resuscitation.

You are afraid of what the future holds...will you ever find someone that loves you the way you need to be loved? Will you be able to survive financially? What is out there in the big unknown world? You feel alone now because you feel that you 'have' no one. We are trained that we are only half of a whole and without a mate, we are incomplete.

You are a whole individual. You need no one to make you complete. You have to look at this challenge as an opportunity to change your life to what you want it to be. Want to go to school? Learn a new trade? Change jobs? Take a class that you didn't before because you had 'husband' obligations? It's hard to begin a new life but not impossible and as time passes, you will feel the pain less. When your son goes to visit, make plans for yourself so that you aren't sitting at home alone. Go to a movie, the opera, a museum. Have a slumber party with a girlfriend or two. Get a hobby. Do something.

I don't mean to sound cruel but I think you are feeling sorry for yourself and you need to snap out of it-pull yourself up by your bootstraps, so to speak. The world is full of stuff to do, places to go, people to see. Don't sit at home and cry...it's not fair to you.

You are crying because you NEED to cry. You are grieving the loss of a love, a life, a future.
By dealing with the feelings now, you are growing healthier every minute.

I'm also guessing you lost a great deal of weight like most of us early on?

hello my name is stephanie and i wanted to tell you love doesn't go away over night sometimes it never goes away you just learn how to deal with it my husband told me tonight that he was thinking about divorce so i'm not quite were you are but i know the pain 3 yrs ago i lost both of my children and i still cry every day and every night i know its not the same but now i have to go through divorce so maybe we can help each other i hope because i am not a strong person but i have to try to be so good luck and may god be with you

stephanie

Thank you all for responding to my plea for help.
I am feeling a little better but I'm just numb and if someone said stand here I'd stand there or they could move me and I just feel like whatever. I am still in the "I can't believe this is happening" stage, I try to keep busy but it's hard. I did a lot of yard work this weekend (have the blisters to proof it) but as I'm doing it I realize how much work this is to maintain this house don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up. H and I have not talked in over a week and it hurts, every time the phone rings I want it to be him (never is) I wonder what he is doing and where he is and how I miss him. I miss him hugging me and the love we once had. I just can't get over that 22 years of M can just end just like that and I'm suppose to move on. But I will because I have no choose and I have lots of support to get me through this differcult phase. God bless you all. LJ

lj1122, reading your posts was like reading my story through another person. I've been married only slightly longer, 29 years, and my H was the love of my life - I told him so. When he left me for his current affair ( and in the process of discovering this was going on, I found out about 2 previous ones!) I felt the world was going to end. I wanted to go to bed and never wake up. I stumbled through the motions of the day, and tried, many times unsucessfully to hide my tears from my kids. I begged and pleaded. I cursed and prayed. I couldn't listen to music without bursting into tears. I lost even more weight. I too, wanted to get in my car and drive until I found the edge of the world and then drive off it. When I told my counselor that he smiled and said he knew I wouldn't do that because deep down inside, I knew I was worth more than that and no one, not even the H I loved so deeply, could take that away.

He was right.

It's been about 5 months now, since he filed for divorce. He is planning on a "new life" with the other woman, who is also divorcing her husband of 27 years. I think they have both lost their minds. So do their friends ( those they have left ) and their kids. They believe they have found their "happiness" in each other.

I have discovered through this very painful process that true happiness in not found in some one else, but in YOURSELF first and then "rounded out" by someone else. The happiness they think they have found is elusive and unreal in a real world. But they will discover that in time.

You are just starting out and the grief is overwhelming and some days you just have to let it wash over you. But hold on. YOU are stronger than this. Seek the help and support you need and use it. You will survive. You will be the better person for this, with true peace and direction for your life. And it will take a long time to get through this. We've spent most of our lives with this person and you just don't forget it and go on. They might seem to...but they are living a fantasy, and everybody wakes up from their dream world some time.

Today is a good day for me, after a very long, dark, cold winter. The sun is shining. I'm making plans to go back to school, get a better job, find an affordable apartment for me and my youngest daughter. I hate to leave my home, my beloved dog and my security. I'm scared to death. I still cry often. But you know, life goes on. I'm not going to let him take that away. Don't you let it get taken away either.
Take care of you, think of YOU. I pray alot and talk to God. I feel His presence often. I don't understand why this has happened, but it did and I know God is watching over me. I take great comfort in that.

We're going to make it.

LJ, I know your pain. I have been married almost 23 years, anniversary coming up next month (that should be interesting). It has been 3 months now since my H came home and announced that he wasn't happy and wasn't "in love" with me anymore. He moved out in early February, and just 3 weeks ago stated that he was happier than he has been in a long while and married just wasnt what he wanted to be right now (but he wasn't asking me for a divorce). OUCH! Yes, I have cried and cried and cried, lost lots of weight (but hey, I needed to) and I am still trying to figure out what to do with myself. Thank goodness my kids still keep me somewhat busy (D21, S15). I usually see my H sometime every weekend, he is usually around the house to do something of importance (?). I have been very good about not calling him now for the last 3 weeks... something about his last statement started a turning point in me... I guess I am now stuck somewhere between sad and mad. This kinda makes me sad because if I am mad that means I am moving on and it scares me to death (does that make any sense). I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am crying less these days, but still sometimes over stupid stuff. Sometimes I am ready to file for D, and sometimes I dont even want to think about it. I have decided to put it in God's hands, although sometimes I try to take it back into mine, but that is getting easier to. Love and Hugs..

I, too, have felt the grief of losing a long marriage for a woman he knew less than 4 months. They are now married. My ex left the end of May, 2002, the day after my daugter's graduation from high school. We had been married 20 years. I miss him horribly as do my daughters. You are mourning the loss of a friend as well as lover. If you are like me, you didn't see it coming. Everyone says to me,their marriage can't work but that is little consolation to me. She left her marriage of 23 years. Know that your feelings are valid and you have a right to grieve. Don't let well-meaning people tell you to "get over it" or "you are better off without him" Take your time. You will learn to cope.