if divorcing, is it better to do it while the kids were young? or wait till they get older?

My parents waited till my brother and i were older, but i remember all the good times we had as a familly, but i also remember them fighting all the time. My wife and i are the same way, and i don't want to go through what my parents went through, but my wife tells me it's harder while they're young. her parents divorced when she was very young, and mine while i was older. what's better?

What's better is that the parents get counseling and learn to love each other. Divorce is never easier or "better", no matter what the age, even adult children feel a great sense of loss.

I strongly believe that unless abuse or mental illness is involved, a couple should do everything in their power to create a loving relationship. If you and your wife can communicate well enough to discuss when a good time to divorce is, surely you can communicate enough to work out a good marriage!

Divorce is never good. It is a sin, and God sees both of you sinning. We are divorcing, and it is pretty much up to my hsuband that we are divorcing. But he has put me in the path of sinning according to Gods plan.

I have had many discussion with counseling about divorcing and the ages. It is worse for the older ones. They have had a family for all these years, and then the unit is broken. Kids who are very young are the easier ones. They didn't know what a family was like. And they didn't know what being a child of parents of 2 or parents separated are like. The difference doesn't mean that much to them. Also, the older ones, have a lot of emotional input. Like my kids are 17-24. 4 in all. They all are having their own problems with this divorce. My husband doesn't see it, cause he lives by himself. He doesn't see the daily interactions. He doesn't see the hurt and pain these kids are going through.

These kids, now know there will be no more family vacations. These kids now know, the money will be very tight. Especially from me. Dad will always make good money, and beable to give them money for this and that. But I won't, cause I don't work, since I was physically abused by my husband and had to have surgery.

The kids are also dealing with the animals we have, and the responsibility of all the animals. My husband doesn't take care of them, now the kids do, and I do. I am asking him to pay for their food. Cause we are taking care of all their other needs. We feed and water all the animals daily. Clean up after them. He doesn't do one darm thing towards the physical part. So I have asked him to pay for the food, and Vet bills.

As far as the house, the kids know that I am selling things, to get some money. They know that I have to downsize. Cause 1. I can't afford to live her long. 2. I want to move to something small, since the kids will be leaving shortly, one by one. 3. The kids know that i don't work, and I need money. 4. Father doesn't pay me money to feed the 3 older kids, since they are past child support. 5. Father doesn't care if I don't have enough money to feed them, and I have told the kids, I don't have money to go out to dinner. 6. There will be no more going out to eat. 7. No more getting pizzas. 8. I can't afford to take the kids to the movies, but dad can. And has, because he can afford it. That hurts big time, and father doesn't see that it hurts me, cause I can't afford to take the kids out on my own.

There is so much with the older kids, that it is harder for the older kids. We talked about in a group session that I am in every Thursday. And it is harder, the emotions are stronger, and these older kids are having a harder time.

Also, is some of the books I am reading, the older ones feel the pain so much more than the younger ones. For the reasons stated, and for the reason that they have to deal with the one parent being a controller and the adulterous one.

My kids know all about my husbands affair. My husband infact sent an e-mail that was suppose to go to the other woman, instead went to my oldest sons printer instead. So our son read firsthand the sexual content of an e-mail his father sent to a strange woman. Do you realize the affect this had on this young man. He was 17 at the time. And according to the oldest daughter, this son was very upset with his dad, and was wanting to hit his father after he read the e-mail. But of course dad, told me that he explained everything to the son. Our kids needed to be in counseling, but I couldn't afford it, and dad didn't want to pay for the counseling.

Our kids had to deal with dads ballistic attitude, and him cursing at the kids and me. Calling us F*CKING this and that. They saw a dad that was out of control, and very abusive. This will never be out of the kids minds. They saw a father that threw things and yelled, and slammed doors, and told us to get out of his space, while he was talking to the other woman on his cell phone in our home.

So to say the older ones have it harder is true. There is more deep emotional side-affects of an affair. And this will be with them for a very long time. Also, this can cause a great distance in the relationship between the WS parent and the kids. Our kids are doing better. But at first, they were very scared of their father. They told me, that they didn't want dad to know things. And I wouldn't tell him. But now they can tell him what they want.

To repeat, the older the child, the worse it is for them. I know, I am having a hard time dealing with the kids, and the emotions are still healing.

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

a direct answer to your question, i was 9 when my parents split, and i was destroyed. i was forced to split from MY first wife when my kids were 2 and 3 and they recovered well, no long term problems, I made sure they had access to me as much as possible and i made sure i TRIED to get along with their mother, All their lives i made it clear the split was NO fault of theirs and although i tried to have sympathy for them i never "babied" them over the split, life is tough, and I wanted them to have the attitude that mom and dad dont need to live together to both love them. Today my daughter is 16 and a well adjusted "A" student,she states to anyone that asks that she was a bit sad about the split, but she never wanted for anything, and she knows she is loved very much by both of us. I think in any bad situation IF you talk to the kids and try to be honest and open they will adjust. When my parents split my dad never talked to me much about it, and I think that really did me no good, If he had done more to keep ME thinking positive about the split i think i would have recovered faster. If you have to divorce i say do things to stay involved and talk them through it and they will survive and learn to be strong,The two things MY kids needed from me was they knew i still cared, no matter where I lived, and they knew i was going to spend time with them and stay connected. Best of luck to you all.

Forty One - you were young age of 9. What are your feelings of kids that are in their late teens and early twenties? These kids had a unity of family. And then everything is destroyed. No family vacations, no activities together, nothing the same. What about the financial status. These kids used to ask dad, and he would give them $$. Now things are tight, and he doesn't give them as much, but still is able to give them $$. Which I can't, can't afford it, and won't be able to afford it till I have some sort of job.

What about the emotional damage. In my case, the kids saw a dad, that was not caring and loving during his affair. He was quite selfish, and talked rudely to the kids, and yelled at them with cussing. They also saw dad get mad easily, and slam doors, and cuss at me their mother. And frequently, cussed at me for things that I was not responsible for. Just for living.

Don't you think as a child is older, there is more emotional trauma to the kids, and emotional stress. As for our oldest, she is having a hard time with the divorce. She takes things pretty serious, and it is affecting her health. The Dr. even asked her what is going on, and she told him about the divorce, and such. She is telling people that she sees now, that we are divorcing, which I told her is okay. People that she knows should know, and her friends. I said it is okay to tell. There is nothing to hide, and nothing to be ashamed of. I told her that we both love her, and I am sad that the divorce is happening. But I did what I could, and your father was adamant about divorce. Now I am adamant about divorce, which I told her the divorce is okay with me. I did express that the divorce is committing sin, and that I have been put in the posiiton that sin is being created, and I don't like going against Gods word.

The reality, is the older ones have a lot of emotional stress on them. And that is the difference between the older ones and the younger ones.

I would like to present a point and see what others think. A statement was made- "divorce is never good. It is a sin."
I don't believe divorce is a sin. And I can't find anything that supports that. (I'm not picking on anyone in particular)

ROO7SRFR,

Well, if a couple had to divorce. I would say the younger the children the better. The younger children still don't know what a total family is all about. Children that are 8 years and up have experience going on vacations, playing sports, dealing with both parents with questions and problems. The older children have had more access with both parents unlike younger children who have not have that much access. It's hard to explain. I am D. I have two young children. They ask me questions all the time, but I think they are handling this ok so far.

It all depends on how the parents work together with the children. Just give them love!!!!

Good Luck

Dino

thanks guys, my kids are 2 and 3. but i do hope that my wife and i can get along for the kids. i do believe we can, but she constantly makes threats to me about trying to take the kids whenever we fight. It's not fair, because when i went out of town with my 2 kids to let her have her space, she called twice in 2 weeks to see how they were, the rest of the time she was working or out with her friends drinking and gambling and such. The sad thing is that my kids never really asked about their mom and where she was, or wanted to talk to her.

Older kids, in their teen and 20's, that tough, since I have no real world experiences to share on this all i can say is I can see where they would be hurt,no more famliy sunday dinners, ETC, BUT, on the flip side they have to understand parents are human. Having grown up and seen you two together all their lives then suddenly seeing a split must really be a shock. I can see where they may see the person that left as " the bad guy", and that person will no doubt take offence to being called that. I think when this happens no matter how hurt the jilted spouse is they still need to think of the kids as young children as far as the feelings go, remember, no matter how old you get your still a kid inside. As much as it hurts I feel that you can help heal the older kids by encouraging them to allow you and DAD to work this through and encourage them to not pick sides. I would encourage the kids to maintain a relationship with DAD and even if they dispise the other woman they should try and be polite and respectfull. Another good point you bring up is $$$$$, Dad is surly not going to be able to just hand it over, now he has " another" who will no doubt be concerned about where his $$$$ gets spent. i've never had lots of $$$$ to hand out to my kids, and i dont see it ever happening, no time like now for the kids to start becoming more independent and making their own way, what else can they do? I hope I was'nt too blunt, i just try to see things as they are, good luck with this, keep praying.

I went to a Children of Divorce class (shows parents how to help children deal with divorce.)

There was a 65 year old man in the class. His parents had gotten divorced when he was 55.

He said him and his brothers and sisters were crushed and that he never felt anything like it in his life.