Ok i have posted my stry already.My wife and i are separted 2 weeks now and ive been talking to her every day now.I started to have hope again then i recieve this letter.

Michael,
I am sorry, it is going to be a hard reading for you, but I have to tell you
how things really are.
today I have got a letter from Linda, my friend from the pharmacy. She
sounded like she was sure I am coming in June and asked if I would like to
get together again and go for a dinner.
I never told you I am coming. Let me explain, I am trying to be nice to you
and stay friends anyway after everything what happened. But, Michael, I have
lost all the respect for you and I am thinking I have lost love. You don't
understand, that I don't intend to fly back and forth to find out if you had
finally found out what you want and whether you are ready to put your head
and actions together.
I am starting to work pretty soon, I need a career , I need a stability,
active culture and social life and a lot of other things, which you would
never be able to provide or share with me, because you are a different kind
of person. Never. I realize, that in the best case if I am coming back it
still will require a lot of work and sacrifices, and I am not sure I am
willing to do anymore sacrifices.
I am not sure that I will want to leave my family again, I want to receive
some more education here and I have all the opportunities here to start a
good career and find a right guy for me with time.
I understand that you love me , but that pretty much is your problem,
Michael.
there is a very little chance that I will come back to you , Michael. I did
my own researches in a library and internet and I really don't think we have
a good chance, and even if we do, it is going to take a lot of time, a lot
of hard work, a lot of compromises and even all that does not guarantee that
we will be OK. Specially I am not even sure I want to do this!
I know that I am talking to you, and writing to you letters, but I am not
trying to give you a hope , Michael, I am trying to be a friend. Honestly,
there's a very small chance I would ever come back, and there is a big
chance we will have a divorce or annulment - whatever you want.
I have this experience of living with you, and it was a great lesson, which
helped me to realize what I really want. You are a good guy, basically, but
you don't need me as a wife, we are not compatible. I am not trying to
convince myself, Michael, I am telling the truth.
Than more I am here , than more I understand that I don't want back and I am
pretty happy here. I will wait for some time, to make sure that this is what
I really want, but , Michael, if I will ask you for the full separation -
let me go.
you always will be my friend and you can always have my support, but
Michael, don't ignore the fact, that I don't have romantic feelings towards
you anymore. I know, that it is going to make you upset, but it is life, you
will recover and you will be happy.
Please, don't make it hard on me, it is not easy to say good bye somebody
you had so many memories together and somebody you loved so much. I will
wait for some time, but don't get too high if I am nice to you, it does not
mean anything. Nina

So should i just give up hope at this point or is there still a chance.I know its only been 2 weeks and obviously shes sill angry about a lot.I figured giving her time and space would help and we had a chance but then i get this.Should i just sop writing her and fighting for our marriage?Any words of advice or encouragement from a husband who has neglected their wife or a wife who has been neglected or anyone at all?

Dude, it sure looks like she is moving on, but then, it has only been two weeks.

Your best bet? Just do as she says and let her go. BUT...take care of yourself and make your life as happy and healthy as possible. Surround yourself with friends and stuff.

DO NOT beg, plead, cry, snivel, sniff, or even call her. Act like you have moved on, and life is good.

You'd be surprised how fast the tune changes.

My ex told me she loves me and misses me terribly this weekend. Ain't that somethin?

Dude, it sure looks like she is moving on, but then, it has only been two weeks.

Your best bet? Just do as she says and let her go. BUT...take care of yourself and make your life as happy and healthy as possible. Surround yourself with friends and stuff.

DO NOT beg, plead, cry, snivel, sniff, or even call her. Act like you have moved on, and life is good.

You'd be surprised how fast the tune changes.

My ex told me she loves me and misses me terribly this weekend. Ain't that somethin?

Some of the things that your W said in the letter I have also heard, it is really amazing how many people who want the divorce all sound quite alike. First, pick you chin up. There is no way anyone wants to be with a crying baby, it just isn't attractive. Second, keep the faith. My W and I have been really close to signing separation papers for quite some time, about 4 months. She has even left on her own 3 times for fun trip excuses and comes calling and saying "I love you" 24 hours later, and always comes back. Here's what I would do. There is a program called Retrouvaille, you can easily find it on the net. Basically it is a weekend communication teaching experience for couples who are separated, divorced, or near it. We just got back yesterday. It really did not help all that much, because my W and I have already identified our problems and were talking. It did show through the presenting couples that people do make it happen, but it takes time. For me, half the benefit came from the fact that my W who "Is not in Love with me, and doesn't know what she wants" actually did something in the right direction. It took issuing an altamatum for us to file today if she did not go in order to get here can in the car. The biggest lesson I learned was that HER FEELINGS ARE HERE FEELINGS, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER, LOVE IS A DECISION SHE MUST MAKE, YOU CAN ONLY MAKE IT EASIER BY CHANGING YOURSELF. Try to get you two together for help some way. Enlist friends or family to help. I have always heard that one person always has to be chasing in a relationship. Try a little longer to improve yourself, and she may see it and come back. That is working for me. But if she stays gone, resort to a plan B, do not chase, talk, or give a damn about her. Practice hard love. It is a gamble, but since she has already left you have nothing to loose.

I agree. I heard almost the same words exactly from stbxh. He said problems were "our problems" and although (very fixable and stupid ones) that it was between he and I. That we caused our problems. But he never did get around to explaining the part about his mistress(es). Two big ones so far. Both are his "soul mates" and "understand him". He too wanted to be my friend and thinks that this is ok. That "we weren't meant to be" and all the other famous b.s. that they say to make themselves believe their crap.

If it's not about someone else, then they usually try. That's just my two cents. The ones who do recover pretty well from my divorce recovery class, the ones who start dating even after divorce and try again are usually those that had other problems than adultery. I just think that the whole "I gotta be free for no other reason than to be happy" is bull.

Don't buy into the garbage. But do post on A and B and find out what to do best. We here are divorcing and wish you to hopefully find another route than that one. We wish you the best and will pray for you too. God bless you.

thanks for the advice guys.Im trying my best to shut down contact with my separtated wife but its so hard.I told her i dont want her emails anymore unless its something positive.I have been sending her articles from this website and she has been reading them but nothing is breaking through.She has put up a wall of cold emotions remorse and regret.She makes it seem like our whole marriage was a farce and to hear that after all the good times we shared is quite painful.It wasnt all bad we just had serious communication problems.I find that all i do now i sit in front of the computer and wait to hear the sound "youve got mail" and it will be her apologizing for everything shes said but i know deep down inside thats not going to happen.I know DHarley has steps for rebuilding and states of mind in marriage.Is thereany states of mind in separation?I misunderstood on of his articles about the 3 states of mind and interpreted them to her i told her she is going through anger and resentement and would get over it ome day and go through forgiveness now she wants to know more about how she is feeling.Was i wrong to say this to her?I dont know im so confused.

You wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her i dont want her emails anymore unless its something positive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really want her to just pretend everything is fine or not contact you? Because you know everything isn't fine. She does have hurt and resentment built up, from what you've said in your posts

Maybe she wants you to listen to her, acknowledge her hurt.

I know that letter sounded pretty final, but people do change their minds.
I would recomend backing off for awhile, but if she contacts you I would try to be there for her.

Just my opinion... I hope everything works out well for you, I can tell you are in a lot of pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I did write her back she wrote this to me after i told her i would write her no more.

I think you are wrong not sending articles to me anymore.
I am a mess right now , too , and the articles if it can not help us together, they will help each of us in the future and now, to understand better what is going on.
I am very lonely, and i don't think we should stop talking at all.
I really would like to hear your opinion about what happened and what was the reason for it, because i never believed that frustration with your job was a good enough reason to destroy your personal life.
I am leaving on friday night for about 3 weeks, i will live far away from sivilization, so we can be away from eah other and to really see how we like it.
you don't understand that if i don't like some of sides living in russia, it does not mean i don't love the country, i was born in. I have arguments with my mom, but it is the person i love the most. you don't understand, that it is very hard for me to leave my family and friends, and life i am used to, for you,
In a way, i still do love you, and can not believe it is all happened. But i am not taking any chances anymore. I can not have a perfect life with you as well i can not have it here.
I need to find the job, try to find my own way without you, and to see how i feel about it, If i still will miss you and want you, i will come back, if not, no.
I do want to believe that you had changed and from now on life with you would be easier.
But there is some more sides that i am thinking about , which makes me concerned a lot.
i am sitting in front of computer, lonely all day, waiting for my job and thinking - thinking - thinking - what and why went wrong. And i can not find the reason good enough for me.
I heard your storry about different personalities, and if you serious about it, your place is in a hospital for people with serious mental problems. I don't accept it , Michael, and i really would like to hear the more acceptable and simple reason.
By the way, i am really glad you are finally got the job. I hope that this job won't be so frustrated for you like your previous one and it won't lead to changing personalities. '-)
I know what depression is and what the real reasons can be, Michael, because my brother had it for a long time and he still has , not so much like before, but he was (!) a patient for the hospital for people with problems. I think the root of your behavier is hiding in something different and i really would like to hear your explanation.
Im not sure exactly what i should do or what she was wanting fro me after such an insulting email.You were right i shoulnt stop communciating with her but i thought it was over and i should distance myself.I guessits take things at her pce right now and write only when she writes me right?I really am confused and scaredi never will be able to make things up to her.I ont want to act like a big wuss and dont want to be too submissive.Stuck on how to handle her right now.

How long did you all know each other before marrying? Where and how did you meet? I m sorry if you answered these already ...Ive not been here long .. I am just curious about the history of your relationship. Are there great differences....and why does she refer to you having different personalities. Sounds like she needs time to sort things out. The worst thing you can do to a woman who doesnt know what she wants is to try to force her into a decision...they will back further away from you. Give her time and space...do what she asks and be patient and by all means pray for your marriage and your feelings for each other.
Best to you!.

oicanewife if you want to hear more about my story lok n page 2 for wife has left me need advice.Make sure to read the whole thread i start my story one place and finish it later

I don't know if I will be much help but here it goes.........
You know the old saying if you love it leave it go, If she comes back she is always yours, If not she never was....
You need to let go to a point...
Sit back, look at the things you can do to make you better, you can not think of ways to make her better this is something she needs to do herself.
Take this time to get to know you again.
Think about this one. Ponder a little..
When she is gone do you miss her becuase you absolutly love her, and can't live without her, or do you miss and want her becuase you are by your self and lonely.
Sometimes, when two people are together they feel one thing and when seperated for a period of time (longer than two weeks) they 1. Start not missing eachother becuase they have a sense of stability in their new atmosphere and either never had the love or lost it somewhere along the way or 2. absolutly can not stand being away for each other and have found again what first brought them together...

You can not make this work on your own. It will have to take both of you, with lots of communication....

Ok I am to long winded here. Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good luck keep me posted

thanks for the advice JJ unfortunately i have n choice but to do what you said right now.She leaes for he Ukraine tomorro for about 21/2 to 3 weeks..Hopefully this will be what brings us back togther.Time apart with no communication whatsoever from me fr a few weeks.We will both have a much better idea where things stand when she gets back.I did call her as she requested today and we had a very nice conversation that led to a nice goodbye from her.Im trying not t get too high from her letter however i do feel cautiously optomistic after reading it especially the end of her letter>i will share with my new found advisors as usual so here goes:

Michael
I am not trying to kick you when you down at all.
I think that you are a good guy, and specially lately you did a lot of good
stuff and you had a lot of success in what you have been doing. Keep it that
way.
I will miss, and I will be a good girl, I can promise you that.
Also I don't think I will b ready to tell you something definitely after I
am coming back, I told you before, I need a job, and my own experience.
I think of you very warmly, and the though you will be OK anyway makes me
happy, because it is clear that you are doing fine.
I did got everything you have told me, and I know that even if you won't
change, things would be better anyway, because at least our own place will
make life much easier, but on top of it you found the job and willing to
visit marriage counselor, and I think with your will to make life better we
can work out a lot of things together. Be good and have fun, and don't eat a
lot of chicken wings, they all are mine ! :)Nina, love

I really hope all works out for the best. Take this time and work on yourself. From one of your original post it sounds like you were disappointed in yourself. Maybe you can work on that a little.....
Could maybe some of this from your wife be she is homesick missing the family? Country? and is trying to make things not work and is unsure of how to go about it?

(off the topic here) where at in pa
im in the keystone state myself

im from Delaware County Aston to be exact.Yeah of course she gets homesick but i made sure she got to visit home she was actually just home Mid January for 2 weeks.A big part of our problems were my laziness and our lack of communication.Now shes afraid to leave home and come back again fearing no change in me.She did say in her letter though that she can see my change already and is very happy about it.I think at first she just looked for reasons to deny us and now shes strting to look at things more objectively but toorrows a new day and with that could come bad news.Shes very up anddown right now.

Looks like she's just looking for some consistency, and it looks like you are doing well so far if she has recognised a change she likes.

She must have been hurt pretty bad to move that far away from you and start her life again... she hasn't ruled out coming back to you in the future and thats a good sign. She probably needs to feel that the change is going to last and you are sincere.

Its good that you have agreed to counceling and to whatever she needs to feel good about comming back to you. Keep working on yourself, at least then you will know you have tried everything you can do even if it does end.

It may take awhile for her to want to come back to you if ever. She has mentioned her need for independance.

I've been separated from my SO for about a month after a 4 1/2 year relationship and it looks over. I know it hurts! Its hard to move on without the other person. But life goes on and we have to make the best of it we can. If she does want to come back, make sure its to a better person, if not, then you will have prepared yourself for a great relationship with someone else.

I hope this helps a little bit...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I hope since we haven't had an update that there is good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope things are working out and that you are talking and being open....

Let us know how all is going...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well JJ i wish i could say that no news i good news but right now i just dont know.She has taken a temporary job in the Ukraine and left last Friday that letter i posted from her was the last one i recieved before she left.I havent heard from her since and didnt expect to.She doesnt av access to a computer there and im thinking if she finds an intenet cafe and does email me it could be a very good sign.Thistime without communiation for us could be could because it could realy give her time to miss me or it could be a nail in the coffin on all the progress we were making before she left.Im trying to stay optimistic but every day away from he is a little harder.Im at a vry high point in my life and it seems so meaningless without her to share it with.We went through the downs together now i just want to share the up wth her as well.Thanks for your concern and when i know anything ill keep you guys updated.Mike

just to update my story briefly.I have talked to my wife again.She was away in a different part of Russia on a job and came back 10 days early.It was a disaster for her to say the least.Anyway i spoke with her and we had a very nice conversation.I have promised to send her to school fulltime if she returns in June and shes thinking seriously about giving me another chance.She said she needs to talk to her moter about it because she is so wise but from what shes telling me she will pack a small bad and return home on June 11th and give our marriage another chance.It seems like i wasbibed but my other choic was to have to go to school back home for a year and try to tough it out.No chance i took option B.We are making a lot of progress with our communication and she sees a lot of chngs in me she likes.Her biggest fear is coming bac to me and me going back to being the lazy unattentive jerk i was before.If it wasnt for this i feel she would come back regardless of school.Tomorrows a new day though and she could be corrupted by her mother who adamantly want her to sta in Russia.Ill kee ou guys posted.

I dont know....but, what if she comes back lostmywifeinpa and she starts feeling unhappy and antzy again and leaves again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> !!!! This happened to another person I know and it happened to me! When someone is unhappy and confused and then they decide to come back, most times they still end up leaving again. The only way to set her mind right is to let her go. I personally would not stay married to someone who could BOUNCE at any given moment because of relatively small workable issues. Its your choice, but I WOULD NOT let that woman come back. Dude....she left you high and dry and keeps telling you...."If I decide to return...."when I get ready to come back to you....shiit!!! She is basically controlling your whole life and keeping you in limbo!!! Is she worth all that effort??? Im not being rough, but realistic.....I have been there. I would not let mine come back......she was always unhappy and I found someone I can make happy. AND...IM HAPPY!!!!! There are more fish in the sea and you should be with someone who is gonna love you and not abandon you. Just my .02!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your a little off base here but you probrably didnt read my story of how we got here.Look a little further in emotional needs section or maybe its this section and you will see that i completely neglected my wife and she had every reason to leave.I stoped loving myself and that caused me to stop caring and putting effort into our relationship.I deserved to lose her but after learning so much and improving myself drastically i beleive i we deserve a second chance at happiness.Ill go look for my origionalstory an tell ya where i is.Thanks for the advic though.Mike