OMG (Oh My GOD)!!! mommax8, you can not be seriously asking this question, can you?? Get ahold of yourself, woman!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mommax8:
<strong>Ok, here is the dilema, my stbxh wants to see the kids and I over Easter Break that would mean from April 18-21. In order to do so that would mean, me buying him a bus ticket and we meet halfway, stay at a hotel with the kids for three days (i would have to pay hotel bill). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are an adult, mommax8, and I know that you would like to see your H and so would your kids. I know it's kind of like your addiction calling to you! But let your emotions calm down a minute and allow your thinking side to dominate here. Your H is an adult and he CHOSE to continue to drink, and he CHOSE to leave you and move to Timbucktu, and he CHOSE to dump all the bills and responsibility on you, and he CHOSE to leave you with no money. These are all choices that he could have made differently.
Now, use your THINKER side and not your feelings. Is it really going to be a smart use of your limited financial means to buy HIM a bus ticket, meet him "in the middle", and have to pay for hotel ROOMS for you, him, and 8 kids?? You tell me. You can hear that voice inside you telling you it's silly--listen to the voice!!! Trust your own inner voice!!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> He has mentioned this to the kids and they are so excited and want to see their dad. At first I was out of it when we were discussing it because I had this glimmer of oh how great, then I just had a overwhelming feeling of WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING??? ... My kids want to see their father, I as sick as it sounds I want to see him too...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, mommax8, that's not sick. You loved the man and you were committed to him for a lifetime. He may not have had that same level of commitment to you, but you did--it's hard to let that go! No, I mean REALLY hard!! But can you say M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-O-N??? Your H told the kids about this crazy scheme of his just so he could make you the fall guy--don't you see that?? If this had been a healthy, mutual partnership thing, he would have A) talked to you about it first, and then B) offered to chip in half and half. No, he has dumped you with all the responsibility, left you with no money, and he wants YOU to pay for HIM to see his kids?? Come on, hon. You can see it. I know you can. If HE chose to leave, he can choose to figure his own way back to visit. Let him be responsible for his own choices and let him also suffer the consequences of his choices--and in this instance, it means not seeing his kids on Easter weekend unless HE gets HIS act together.
I know you don't want to come off like "the witch" and have your kids all hurt and mad at you, and I take it your kids are young-ish enough to not understand the dynamics of their father walking out on them. So I would suggest being very factual: "I appreciate your idea about seeing each other on Easter, however I can not afford to pay for it all. May I suggest either we split the entire cost 50/50 (meaning HE pays for half of the kids to come) -or- that you pay your own way to come stay overnite here at the house with the kids and I?" Then be sure to tell the kids that you have invited their dad to come and stay over for Easter.
Now, you're not trying to manipulate your kids--so don't do it that way...rather, you are trying to set and keep HEALTHY boundaries and indicate to your kids that you would also like to see dad and be with dad if he acts appropriately. Does this make sense??? Mommax8, don't let him set the "rules" of this meeting--you decide for yourself what you would be willing and able to accept. For example, you are willing to see him, if he makes the effort to come to you. You are willing to see him as long as he doesn't drink. You are willing to see him when he starts an AA program. Get it??
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I definitely need to do a plan B and cease all contact for myself. My stbxh never sounds enthused to speak to me, doesn't write, nor call its always me initiating conversations, if the kids call him he says this is not our allotted time to talk I will call you then. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why are you even considering paying for his way again?? And why are you thinking about the expense of taking 8 kids to a motel again?? Wait until he WANTS to have a marriage and relationships with his children--in which HE is willing to do the work that is HIS part. Until then, you are not doing him any favors or doing yourself any favors.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> He tells me he loves me and that he wants to close this chapter and start new. That he doesn't want to lose me, but he still doesn't think he has done anything wrong nor taken any responsibility for his drinking at all. ...Part of me wants to say no, if you want to see me and the kids you will have to make the effort, if you want us so badly you will have to prove it. Then part of me says well if you don't do this you may never see him again, and really we are getting divorced why would I??????? My heart is telling me one thing and my brain is telling me another... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mommax8, I can only say here that I totally understand exactly how you feel and how much you WANT to listen to your heart. Deep down, you WANT him to love you, and if you could WISH IT TRUE you would!!! I have been in your shoes, desperately wanting my stbxH to love me more than he loved his addiction, and he just didn't. You know that old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink?" You have led your alcoholic H to the water, mommax8, but he will not drink out of it. He does not WANT to drink out of it.
I gave you my "advice" above. Let your emotions calm down and give yourself time for your HEAD to speak louder than your heart. Show him willingness if you feel that way, but set your limits--let him show you that he is changed and he means it. If he DOESN'T or will not, then you know as well as I do that it means he has not changed and things will be the same as always. Mommax8, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Protect yourself. Do not give him additional opportunities to hurt you. It's okay. It is also LOVING to allow him to be responsible for himself and his choices. It's the most loving thing you can do. Let him.
Most importantly of all though, this is a process. It doesn't happen overnight, and you will still love him for a long time (3 years for me, and I still love my ex). If you decide to throw caution to the wind and go meet him, we will be here and understand that you are going through YOUR process. Okay?? You make YOUR decisions for YOU--not us. We can give you ideas or suggestions, but in the end, you decide for you.
Hugs to you! {{{{{{{{{{Mommax8}}}}}}}}}}
CJ
