I am so devastated with my life, I realize that my H is an [censored] and I can't get over this pain he has caused me. I have been in my house screaming and crying for over and hour and I CAN'T STOP. Why am I so weak? H said "Get so help will you" like I need to move on. I never hated someone as much as him right now. He is so cold and doesn't show that he is grieving this relationship and that hurts me so much. How do I get past this? What is wrong with me? I feel as low as you can get and still need to call and talk to him. WHY? Do I do this? I hate myself for my weakness and H said real mean like go to a support group or something like move on. How can he just move on I think I need to go away but I have no where to go. I called my mom and she is comimg over because I'm afraid to be alone I don't think about killing myself but I would like to ease this pain. Help me!

I'm glad you were able to call someone to come over and stay with you. Being with someone else, talking with someone else is very important, at least it was for me. And still is.

I see by your bottom line that you've only been separated for a little over a month. You're still reeling from the shock of that and trying to make sense of it all. It's very little time yet and I think venting, rather than holding it all in stoically, is healthier by far.

Your reactions and anger and frustration and hurt are so normal and to be expected. Your life partner has just walked out of your life, coldly and arrogantly....and he's made it seem like it's your fault, you have a problem and you need to fix it. He, of course, is faultless. Yeah, right.

I know you want to call and talk to him. He has been your husband for 22 years, you've shared probably the better part of your life with him. But don't call. They only view that as weak and distasteful. Their (Wayward Spouses) vision is so clouded by the fog they refuse to see your pain and refuse to give in to theirs. They are strong and in control and you are the useless weak one. That is not true of course, but that is their perception.

Now is the time to show your strength and hold yourself in high esteem. Take care of yourself, that's the most important thing. You aren't weak, you're just having a "weak moment". You'll have more, I guarantee it. It is so sad when the person you have loved most in the world doesn't seem to care about your history together, the love you promised to share always, doesn't treat you with respect, and can seemingly walk away without a backward glance. I know only to well. It does something to your soul.

But that is why we can learn, grow and become even more from this painful process. We have the STRENGTH to deal with this, and they do not.
These are just words, and I know that all the words in the world can't undo the pain he is causing you, but I ask you to consider them.

I hope, truly hope, you are feeling a bit better. This is a long, long road we must walk. But we're all here for you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I felt the same way last night and today and we have been separated for over 3 years. I have wished that I could hate him all day. I have been in that much pain today. No, I am not like this everyday but we will be married 11 years this Thursday and this will be the fourth anniversary that we have been separated. We did go out to eat together last year but he didn't mention it.

Most days things are going well, we spend a lot of time together and go to church together. I am thankful that we are still married. It is just hard sometimes. You will have better days. I screamed a lot when he first left also.

I have gotten by the past three year with God's help thru this site www.restorem.org

Go there and see if it helps you.

gentle

lj---Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a mechanism that God gave us to release emotions. If you could not cry over the pain you are experiencing, I would be concerned about your bottled up emotions effecting you in a negative way. Be thankful that you are crying and let yourself grieve. You have lost so much. Grief over loss, if not worked through, can lead to depression.

You cannot look to your H for emotional support so what he is saying has truth to it. He is wrapped up in his selfish pursuits and cannot see anything clearly. He may be running in the fog or he may have made a firm decision to walk away from your M. You may need to get counseling or consistent support cause this is a long, hard journey as you recover from infidelity.

I think the biggest mistake I made in the midst of our infidelity crisis was that I thought I could still get strength from my H. We were married so long and all the sad times were a bit easier to handle cause I had someone to help with the pain. But this pain hurts worse cause there is no spouse to hold you up and to draw strength from. That is why I think this is the hardest thing I ever had to handle.....it is so devastating to have pain alone.

He can move on right now cause he has a numbing agent (OW). The A is just like a drug and he is addicted to the way it makes him feel.

You will get through this....you have to survive and move forward. Learn about yourself and some days you will have to force yourself to do what is best for you whether you feel like or not.

There is many months ahead that you will cry but each day you set your mind on surviving this, you will cry less and less.

TW

1122 - These feelings are quite normal. Good that you had someone to come over and stay with you. Your mother feels for her daughters pain, and the hate you feel for your husband is so real.

I was in that same situation, and my husband will never know the pain that I felt. He will never know the heart that I had, how torn it was. He will never know the tears I shed. But I have moved from that point to moving on. Not there totally yet, but much further than 6 months ago.

It seems unreal that you will ever get beyond the point you described. I was suicidal at one point. And husband didn't care, so I did one last call that was to my mother inlaw. She helped me to her house over the cell phone, and got me help. It was sad to hear my husband say to me just drive home. And then he hung up. No care, no compassion, no worry. Cause he had his other idiot woman to comfort him.

Your hsuband is so full of ffooggg.... he only sees the other woman as his pride and joy. But wait, he will find out soon enough that that other woman is nothing to have in sight. As all the books I read about affairs, and the other person, 90% of them don't work out. Cause one of the people used the other. That is what an affair is about. One human using the other. My husband I know for sure was used by the other woman. I talked with the counselor about this extensivelly. My husband is a nice man, but he is niave is some areas. And this woman, knew from her previous sexual affair with a minister what she was doing. Even not bringing anything to give to my husband for him when they were sexually together as a gift was a sign that she was out to get what she could from my husband. She was trying to tell my husband she was a christian, but her actions showed she was not a christian. My hsuabnd was giving her gifts, cards, money, buying her food, and what did she give to him NOTHING!!!! But her body of lust. She called and coerced me with suicide if my hsuband and I told her husband. That there was a sign of an imbalanced person. And she should of not manipulated me with her suicide. She is an evil person.

Anyways, what you are feeling is betrayal at its worst. What you are feeling is worse than death. Your husband of all these years decides to lust for another, and that hurts any spouse. Man or woman. The two of them are committing sin, and God is seeing them sin daily. They will get their return in the long run.

Take care of yourself. Get counseling, which your husband suggested, which was quite good. But you need counseling to help yourself, and to help you see that you are a worthwhile person. I thought I was worse than crap. I thought that I was the stupidest, ugly, fat, low scum person in the world. Because my husband told me quite often how he didn't love me and only loved the other woman. Which when I heard him talking to the other woman on the cell phone, and say I love you munchkin, that hurt. But did he care, heck no. And he seemed to be proud to hurt me. Which is quite normal.

You need to get into group therapy. That is where I found the most help. The things your husband are saying to you, you will be surprised that is what all the wayward spouse husbands say. Each time I go to therapy group session, statements will come up and I say to myself, wow, her husband did that or said that.

You are not alone. A lot of us have gone through what you are going through. It seems that it will never get any better, but it will. Concentrate on yourself. Concentrate on what you need to get better. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to be on anti-depressants. I rejected that idea for quite a while, then after the suicide thoughts, which were frequent, I decided to get some help.

Now look in the mirror, and look at the beautiful woman you are. Do you have 2 eyes, to see the beauty that God created? Do you have 1 nose to smell the vibrant smells God gave us of spring? Do you have 1 mouth to taste, and speak of all the glory that God gives? Do you have 2 ears, to hear, and reflect on the sounds that are entering your brain, that God gave you? Then if you have all the right #'s, you are normal. Your feelings are normal, your anger is normal, your tears are normal (which are great for releasing the stress). Give your mother a hug and say I love you mom and thank her for being there.

God bless you, and stay here for us to help you. This is tough, lady, but you will get better. Don't expect anything in a week or a month. You will have many bad days, but in the long run you will see the path get better. Sorry this sounds like a long time, it will be long, but you will be so much stronger. God Bless you, Hon.

Thank you all for replying last night, I had a very bad evening and my mom let me cry on her shoulder. I have to be strong and move on because he has and I can't live like this. I will try really hard not to have contact with him, my son said mom stop talking to him. So that is the plan I will not pick up the phone and call him no matter what. I hope I can stick to it! My H has many problems and I am not one of them any more. He has a daughter by the other women who has many medical problems and know his daughter who is 2 yrs old is not talking and might have some medical problems herself. I wish them no ill feelings but no wonder why he can forget about me so fast look at what is on his plate. He has a long road ahead of him. I just wish it was all the way it use to be. Thank you for all your help. LJ

lj--

you and I are dealing with the same feelings and same processes. I tell you what this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My kids say the same thing, Mom why are you calling him?? I have decided no more, I deserve to be treated better. I have not called him for 3 days and low and behold I have a voice mail message telling me he is coming down the weekend of Easter and his Dad is getting him a uhaul for his stuff. Our last conversation he told me he would be living in the state due to the kids, I guess he has changed his mind. I sent him a very short email this morning saying, that would be fine, call me when you arrive in town. This is tearing me apart and I feel like I was just kicked in the stomach yet again. My emotions are all over the place now too. I think you and I have alot in common lj, if you want to email outside of MB is shari@etoms.com and if you want to talk too, I am available. Also see if there is a divorcecare class in your area very helpful. Hang in there I know its hard, I cry still everyday.....if you don't mind me asking what state are you in?? I am in Tennessee

HUGS and PRAYERS for you and your family.

Mommax8,
This is day one of me not calling him, so far so good. Today seems to be a good day but we never know. I live in Massachusetts about 20 miles south of Boston. I have been looking for a support group but can't seem to find one. I see my therapist tomorrow morning I will ask her if she knows of any. The only difference between us is the amount of children, you have 8, I only 2 and there are times I wish I had some more noice in my house. My boys are older and my oldest is away at school and I only have my youngest who is 19 and working and has a girlfriend and is never home. The being alone all the time is very hard also and I try to keep busy but I can't fill the whole day. I will email you. LJ

LJ, I'm glad to read that you have decided not to call him - good for you!! I know how hard it must be for you. Some days the pain is unbearable and all you can do is cry, but just take it one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. Take care of yourself!! That's the most important thing you can do right now.

On Sunday, I (and only I) celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. I went to the church where we were married as two young people full of love and hope and dreams. It was difficult, but strangely "freeing". I still carry the love, but I carry it alone and that is okay for now. It's been almost 5 months since he left and filed for divorce to be with the OW. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Lots of days have tears. But each day I have grown stronger and cry less. Maybe we really do love enough to learn to let go - if only for our sakes and survival.

Your husband is deep in the fog right now...he may never come out of it. But you, thank God, can see clearly, although painfully. Hang in there!!