Hi All
I posted here along time and got some great advice from people who are going through the same thing as I am. I will give you a quick run down of what is happening.

We haved lived aprt for 10 months now and I have seen her cry more in that time than she has in the 8 years I have been married to her. She wanted the divorce and me out of her life, I accepted things and I did everything I could do to show her how much I loved and wanted to be with her. I began healing myself and working on getting myself better. As of today I have a a strong relationship with my children, a life and friends. I feel good about myself.

She does things that confuse me to no end, She said she did not want to go to my son's baseball practice and I said thats okay its between you and him, I told her from my standpoint we could use the time apart and she started crying, When its my days to pick the boys up from the sitters she is always there, she gets there 20-30 mins before I do, I do not know why she is there. Some friends say she is having second thoughts, but I feel like she has said nothing so nothing has changed this is what she wants, she has not filed anything, claims it was a money issue, I don't know what to do, I feel like I am back on the roller coaster again.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

The rollercoaster, boy dont i know that one,my wife has had me riding one for years, it really gets old, she doesnt even know what she wants, she pushes our relationship just to the cliff then pulls back, and expects me to just forgive and forget,I'll bet when you ask her what she wants she really cant say, right? Mine suffers from some sort of mental illness/ depression, and its always a struggle to deal with her.Did you ever just ask her what she wants?? I ask mine and she never tells me anything I have not heard before, she wants stuff i cant change or do much about, and its making her unhappy,but she just hangs on and keeps our lives in a constant state of limbo,I'm starting to realize she will never get much better than she is now, mental illness can be treated, but she refuses th acknowledge she has a problem, maybe your wife is suffering some sort of mental issue, has she seen anyone or gotten any professional help?? Maybe she needs some.

Thank you for the response
I have told her that she seems very depressed and should talk with someone, she cries. I have seen her cry more in the last 10 months than the 8 years I have been married to her, I know she is hurting and she is very prideful. I guees I am not sure whether she is hurting because maybe she think she made a mistake or she is hurting because of the depression (Shrug)
I have no idea at this point, I have not said anything about us getting back together since October when I told her that she would have to tell me she wants back in my life, she hasn't so my mindest is to move on, but when I see her like this it hurts me andI want to be there as her husband and friend.
I am so conffued.

My wife keeps sending me all the signals that she cant stand me, and at the same time she talks about Us, and what we need to do to fix "US",I dont have the heart to tell her that its HER thats sad and miserable, and she's passing it to everyone in the house. I feel really bad for her, and i dont hate her, but she's killing the love between us with her problem. Our family DR has suggested counseling and anti-depressants to help her get back on her feet, but she gets mad and says she's ok, so i think if thats the case she needs to cut Me loose and stop wasting my time because she WANTS to live like this,to me people with mental issues are like alcholics, they CRY about their problems, and they dont DO anything about it untll they have destroyed everyone in their path.HOW LONG is a WELL person supposed to watch someone who refuses to try and solve a problem self destruct??It makes you very sad to see a person you care about go through this, but you cant MAKE someone change, they have to want to. i've been wanting to END my marriage for several years over this, but I keep HOPING something will change, so far its not changing, i've tried modifying my behavior, now i've changed so much i'm becoming bitter over the whole thing, discussions go nowhere, and the same old issues get dug up.My situation seems hopless, but you say you have not asked your wife if she wants to reunite, maybe she wants to but wants YOu to make the move, maybe? They send out such mixed emotions,why do they always make such a game out of it, are we ON or OFF???WHAT do you want from US??? LADIES???

I have though about going to her once again and asking her about it, I tried that several times in the beginning and she shot me down saying I misread her actions or what not, Maybe thats what I am doing right now, It all seems strange to me what she is doing or even why she does it. If you do not want to be with someone why would you let them see you cry, be vulnerable, Stick around to see you, Thats the part I am having the difficult time with.

Don't know if this will help or not...my H has had me on the roller-coaster too. My IC (former MC so she knows my H) finally determined that has fallen into a pursuer/distancer pattern. He's the one that left the marriage and I've been trying to "make it work." Once he senses that I've finally given up on us he comes back to pull me in and give me hope. But as soon as he senses that I'm back, he retreats again. My IC says that this pattern has to be broken (by me not going back) or it will go on indefinitely and I will become sick eventually. She says my H is not aware that he's doing it and can't help himself. He can't be with me but he can't let me go either. She says he needs a lot of therapy and the situation isn't going to improve unless he takes the steps to do it. The sad fact is that I have to leave the marriage or continue status quo. Status quo isn't an option. I need to get out of the mess that I've been in for the last year.

Maybe your Ws are in this same kind of pattern??

I KNOW my wife is having some sort of mental "issue" and she refuses to get help for it,she wants my support and i try to give it, but after over 7 years of this i'm seeing a pattern too, as you stated ONE of us has to break the pattern,I've started the process, i dont cave in to her moods and attitude anymore, and in fact i totally withdraw, THIS TIME, she really thought I was leaving and she senced that she pushed me way too far, and she has really turned around and got back on her game, I doubt it will last as it never does, but this is her last chance to get right, i have plans ready to go IF she falls down again. Her problems are a deadly cycle to my long term mental well being, and i refuse to be taken down mentally. although it will hurt me deeply to cut her lose, i'm not doing either of us OR the kids any good allowing her to keep us all on egg shells all the time.

Dueinjan
Thank you for that insight, and it make so much sense, when I go in she moves away and when I move away she moves in. I guess I need to accept that the divorce is going to happen no matter what and reconciling is not going to happen. Its very hard because I love her so much, but I know in my heart that I cannot make this work, she has to want it also. She asked for the divorce and in 10 months has not seen an attorney not once, thats just so weird too me, now I am the one filing which is hard for me to undestand.
(Shrug) just tired of the rollercoaster
Take Care

This is interesting conversation. Somehow there is a great roller coaster ride. And a lot of crying. How about counseling? It is a major strength to find out what all the turmoil is regarding. Even if there is a mental diagnosis involved or I should say esp. professional intervention is required to get to the root of the problem. The woman should be seeing her MD at least annually. Many problems can result from medical issues. Potentially, you could show some real compassion by gently getting directed here. Pressuring her for answers...does it work? How about a break from the routine. If she won't go for counseling you can still benefit. Things that you haven't talked about here or you don't realize can surface and help to solve at least your issues.

A little more info on my situation - if it helps?

When my IC revealed this p/d pattern to me and explained that it was necessary for me to break out of the "magnetic field" that the two of us are caught up in I said to her, "Are you telling me there's no hope?" and she said, "The 'right' answer is that there is no hope." Yesterday, I met with her and asked her why she stated this in this fashion. She said that there are always miracles and people have the capacity to change their ways, but that in the way we're existing right now with him pursuing and distancing and me caught up in the magnetic field, it will not work.

I asked her, does this mean I have to divorce him? She said that divorce doesn't really have anything to do with it and that plenty of people divorce and are still caught up in this kind of mess with their spouse. She said that I must break the emotional bond between us and live my life as a seperate entity from him. She said I am now single (this is hard to deal with) and should view myself that way and that as he feels me moving away to expect him to come back, but that I CANNOT be drawn in by him or the whole pattern will repeat itself. If he ever changes it will not be soon and if he changes it will be readily evident to me not one of these "this time it seems like it's different..." routines that I've been dealing with.

So, I am coming to acceptance of this. It is rotten and I enjoy the companionship of marriage and feel like now I will always be single (how many of you guys are jumping at the chance to date a woman with a newborn and a 3 year old)? But I can't let fear of being alone or the unknown allow me to remain in this relationship which is very nearly destroying me pschologically right now. It does feel strange to be the one filing the legal papers when I don't want the split. I have the separation legal now and will truly try to seperate in mind and spirit and will divorce him when the time is right for me to do so.

The way I look at it, and maybe this will help you all too is that this is that leaving him in mind and spirit is the only thing I can do. It will probably not change him and bring him back but nothing else will either and if anything was to change, it will be because he wanted it to and made the changes himself. I can't fix this. What I was doing wasn't working. I have to accept the state of the marriage now - not how it was or how I would like it to be. It hurts my heart but is the only thing I can do now.

Thank you all for being out there to express this to. It helps me with my resolve when I write it out and if it gives you any insight into what you're experiencing I'm very glad.

DIJ

A little more info on my situation - if it helps?

When my IC revealed this p/d pattern to me and explained that it was necessary for me to break out of the "magnetic field" that the two of us are caught up in I said to her, "Are you telling me there's no hope?" and she said, "The 'right' answer is that there is no hope." Yesterday, I met with her and asked her why she stated this in this fashion. She said that there are always miracles and people have the capacity to change their ways, but that in the way we're existing right now with him pursuing and distancing and me caught up in the magnetic field, it will not work.

I asked her, does this mean I have to divorce him? She said that divorce doesn't really have anything to do with it and that plenty of people divorce and are still caught up in this kind of mess with their spouse. She said that I must break the emotional bond between us and live my life as a seperate entity from him. She said I am now single (this is hard to deal with) and should view myself that way and that as he feels me moving away to expect him to come back, but that I CANNOT be drawn in by him or the whole pattern will repeat itself. If he ever changes it will not be soon and if he changes it will be readily evident to me not one of these "this time it seems like it's different..." routines that I've been dealing with.

So, I am coming to acceptance of this. It is rotten and I enjoy the companionship of marriage and feel like now I will always be single (how many of you guys are jumping at the chance to date a woman with a newborn and a 3 year old)? But I can't let fear of being alone or the unknown allow me to remain in this relationship which is very nearly destroying me pschologically right now. It does feel strange to be the one filing the legal papers when I don't want the split. I have the separation legal now and will truly try to seperate in mind and spirit and will divorce him when the time is right for me to do so.

The way I look at it, and maybe this will help you all too is that this is that leaving him in mind and spirit is the only thing I can do. It will probably not change him and bring him back but nothing else will either and if anything was to change, it will be because he wanted it to and made the changes himself. I can't fix this. What I was doing wasn't working. I have to accept the state of the marriage now - not how it was or how I would like it to be. It hurts my heart but is the only thing I can do now.

Thank you all for being out there to express this to. It helps me with my resolve when I write it out and if it gives you any insight into what you're experiencing I'm very glad.

DIJ

I brought up the idea for counseling for my 8 yr old son, he is having a hard time with this, she agred with me. We were talking about the kids and I asked how she was doing, she said "what do you mean" and I said " you seem sad sometimes" she started crying and I asked "what was wrong" she stated "everything" and all she talked about was her work life, I know there is more thats bothering her. Seeing her cry is very hard for me, I want so badly to be there for her and protect her, and listen to her but I remember this is the women who said "I do not love you anymore" and "I feel dead inside", that to me says it all.

I have thought about suggesting counseling for awhile now but the fear of being told "why are you still holding on" keeps me from doing it. I am finally starting to have a life, new friends, and I am making positive changes in my life, changing the things about me that I felt needed to change, I feel like I am starting to heal but I know I need more time.

I know this bothers her and for the life of me I can't figure out why, she should be past this, I feel like if she thought there was the slighest chance our marriage could work she would speak up about it. My kids are hurting and it hurts me deeply for them to have to go through this. I know I had my part in this but I believe people can change the bad things about themselves if they really want too.

I feel like my family is being ripped apart and there is nothing I can do to change it. However I show my children how much they mean to me everyday and I know that helps them.

Take Care

Unsure, it sounds like you have a grip on the situation and your doing what you can, watch the kids carefully,I know of a similar situation where the mom passed her depression onto the kids and it caused the kids great social problems, a tell tale sign of problems usually comes from school, school work suffers and disapline problems can also start, if you see this do what it takes to get the wife and kids into counseling, even if it means involving the courts, your EX has no right to drag you all down because she refuses help, good luck.

If your ex-wife is clinically depressed, that is very serious. I would do everything to learn about it including going to the doctor myself and learning what to do and how to talk to her. You said she cried when you said she seemed sad. You feel like you don't have the right words. At the point she is at now, is it called "crisis" ? Obviously she is in need of help. Is there a family member of hers you can talk to about her. Someone that she won't feel intimidated by. If you are concerned about the children, remember that the mother is part of them. You may feel you have no choices, but it isn't true, neither is that true for her. Does she drink alcohol, what is her family history re. depression. Do you know that family history is important to your children? What your parents have you are likely to have and it is NOT passed on like a cold, it is actually inherited. Of course, behavior around children will definately have a bearing on how well they are emotionally. Maybe only one child gets the gene or maybe none of the children, but what my advice is ....get professional help. There is no perfect solution. She is depressed. I would be concerned about her welfare and the childrens. Talk to her friends. Family. Do things in a caring way. How can you build a separate life when most of your family is in this situation? Depression does not just go away. Psychiatry is a skilled and solution oriented profession. Depression is succesfully treated with medication taken daily. And some therapy along with it goes a long way.

Ohio,

I agree that your W would probably benefit from counseling/treatment (hey, who wouldn't) but you can't make her do it. She has to want to. Maybe you could say, "I'm worried about you and if you ever need me to assist you with setting something up, I'd be happy to." My H needs counseling but last Fall when I pushed the issue and we went to MC (while H still having the A) it bacame clear that he was just going through the motions.

If you're a "fixer" like I am, you have to try to stop fixing things. The best you can do is take care of yourself and be the best darn dad you can while your W is in this state.

Do you fear that by not exploring what looks like to be mixed feelings on her part, you and your W will end up splitting up when neither of you really wanted to? If so, that's what I deal with too. I don't know the answers. But I just now beleive that if H wants to save this, he's gonna have to speak up loud and clear and unmistakably. I can't drive it any more.

Thanks you all for the advice, it really helps me to understand what I am going through.

"Do you fear that by not exploring what looks like to be mixed feelings on her part, you and your W will end up splitting up when neither of you really wanted to? If so, that's what I deal with too. I don't know the answers. But I just now beleive that if H wants to save this, he's gonna have to speak up loud and clear and unmistakably. I can't drive it any more."
Dueinjan
That is exactly how I feel at this point.

I am the coach for my sons little league baseball team, his first year playing and my first year coaching. She says she was not going to go to any of the practices only the games, I said thats okay with me its between you and our son, she wanted me to drop our 2 yr old off at her house and I said no that that day was my day and I wanted both my kids with me. I told her that maybe the time apart would do us some good, she started crying. With my sons sports its like we see each other every day and thats hard for me.

Well guess who showed up for practice, I just stood there watching her her cross the field shaking my head not knowing what she is doing. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to hurt me intentionally and other times I feel like she is missing me. I am so confused.

Thank you all for sharing and listening.

Dear Ohio,

I didn't know you had a 2 year old in addition to your older child. Also, is you W having an A? Did she have one? I think having the younger child makes it even oh so more confusing. If you are like me, daily contact is necessary and there is all kinds of confusion as to whether the spouse is missing the child, you, or "the family". I think that even the spouse doesn't know. Or, if the spouse seems to be missing you and you respond to the behavior, it's very easy for the spouse to say "you've misinterpreted my missing junior for my missing you." If this is the case, believe me I know what you're going through.

The problem with these boards is that while I can certainly sympathize with your situation (as it's pretty much my life too), I have no idea what the right course of action is - clearly my situation is just as troublesome as your own. Frankly, you seem to be doing pretty well and seem fairly comfortable with life. I think that's great and your W is just bringing you down by her continued confusion.

Here's the thing, your W doesn't seem to be in a hurry to filed for D. Your 2 YO is probably fine. You sound like you're dealing pretty well. The one that's probably taking the brunt is the 8 YO, but he's going to hurt in the current situation as well as in a D. You can't do anything to hurry your W up in coming back. Why don't you continue to live in the same fashion that you've been doing - set your boundaries like you've been doing (i.e. it's my day for the children) but don't be nasty and if she asks about reconcilliation tell her that you'd only be interested if she was ready to make serious and significant changes. Don't take the bait if she's just fishing. It's not fair to you and you will be back on the roller coaster as the title suggests.
It's the pits living in this kind of situation but if it's not severely damaging your psyche and you don't have other women lined up that you want to date just keep doing like you're doing. Just let your W flit around checking out your world and let her come to her own strongly-held opinion about what she wants to do.