My stbxh called me and left me a message on my cell phone, his voice seemed quite concerned on why he couldn't reach me and left me a message saying that his dad will be bringing him down to the town we live in and help him get a uhaul to take his things back (he told me he would not live in another state away from his children) anyway I guess he changed his mind. In the same message he says his Dad will be paying for the hotel and for me to call him so we can discuss the arrangements. He then ends with I love you and I guess I will talk to you later.

Well, I called him to find out what he has in mind, he said he wants to come and stay at the motel with a pool for the kids to swim and for him and I to have some time to talk as well as he and the kids. I told him that would be fine, but I cannot leave the kids with him due to the restraining order that states I need to be with kids if they are visiting their father. He starts getting upset and I reminded him hey you left I didn't. I told him I would not argue with him that when we go to court that will be taken care of then. He also told me that the divorce papers better have temporary all over them. I told him a divorce wasn't temporary that when we get to court the judge will decide.

I can't believe he said Temporary, does he think me and the kids are justing going to stop our lives and be here when he decides he wants us too. I can't emotionally handle that. I know just seeing him is going to be rough because I know I am afraid I will want to fall into his arms and become weak. I may surprise myself, I may just look at him and feel disgust, I don't know what to do....I am so nervous about seeing him. I am happy for the kids because they will be so excited, but I won't tell them where we are going just in case he doesn't show up. I am really upset about the uhaul thing that he is willing to permanently move out of the state, I guess that is one for me in the court room, because once he takes his stuff by way of uhaul, the judge will consider that abandonment.

Well my emotions are very up and down right now...feedback would be appreciated.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: mommax8 ]</small>

mommax8,

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Okay--take several deep breaths and calm down. There is no need to rush or freak out about this decision...you can make it as quickly or slowly as YOU like and as YOU need.

First, I'd say it is a good idea to let the kids see their dad. It's almost always a good idea to encourage a relationship betweeen children and their father--even if he is being a [censored] right now to you. Put their best interests at heart. If you have reason to believe he will harm them or steal them, that's another story--but that's not the impression I get from your posts. Your children need the love of their father, so consider it from that point of view--the point of view of a child missing their daddy. BTW, I think you are wise not to tell them yet in case he doesn't show up.

Second, YOU can decide if you want to talk with him and spend time with him, or not. You are not under any obligation to do it the way he wants to. I'm not trying to create trouble here...just reminding you that you are your own seperate person. You can decide for yourself if you will only be present to watch the kids (due to the RO) or if you will speak to him but only in public or if you are willing to speak to him privately.

Regarding the U-Haul thing, I might suggest that you and he AGREE IN WRITING about what he can and can not take. I don't mean this meanly, but he may be intending to take all the valuable stuff "because it's his." My stbxH wanted to take all the crystal and silver, and I just told him no--those are assets and they will be divided EQUALLY not just given to him; I earned them too. OTOH, he may just want his bed, a TV, and the recliner--in which case, let him have them and cry about the fact that he's such a jerk.

Finally, regarding the "Temporary" Divorce...is he crazy??? Well--yeah, he kind of is...I know. But I mean, does he honestly think that he can just skip out for a while, drink all he wants and leave you with all the responsibilities of 8 kids, tons of bills, and no money--but when he's ready, you'll just take him back with open arms??? Has he fallen and hit his head??? It might be different if you and he had arranged and agreed on some time apart--if he was chipping in to make sure his kids were provided for--if he was making an effort to work on himself while he was apart from you'all. BUT NOOOOOOO.

Men--who can understand them??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My stbxH is the same way!! He thinks he can keep having affairs, but I love him so he doesn't need to treat me right (shaking head). Personally, I say, "No dear. In order to have the wonderous benefits of my love and support, you have to treat me respectfully, take care of your own issues, and help me support our family. If you choose not to do those things, you lose."

I think your H is in LaLa Land there mommax8. He has not yet figured out that because of his actions and choices, he is going to lose his wife and kids. He either needs to step up to the plate and act now, or it's PERMANENT.

CJ

amen Faithful,

I agree totally, I just got into work from a meeting and he has sent me an email on where I have been. I am not calling him anymore so it is driving him nuts. He signs each email with forever and always????????????? Then prove it by your actions not your words. If you want us fight for us, me and the kids deserve it.

Thanks for the encouragement, hugs back to you..

Hey, mommax8--how ya doing today??

Can I tell you a very funny coincidence?? My stbxH does the exact same thing...he'll call the house or my cell phone, and if I do not answer IMMEDIATELY he'll say, "Where have you been?" in a very accusatory tone. Well first of all, I've been a FAITHFUL spouse, so I have not betrayed him--he has no reason to be suspicious of me. Second, HE LEFT ME, so he has no right to know where I've been or not. Now, in real life I do not and have not been ANYWHERE (usually)--I have kids to take care of and a house to maintain and lady friends just to make sure to avoid even the APPEARANCE of evil. Nine times out of ten, I was going to the bathroom or had the phone turned off for some peace or one of the kids was on the phone!

Anyway, I realized that it was one way that he was trying to control me--I had to jump the moment he called. That's silly. He would not call a friend and berate them if they didn't pick up. He would not call a co-worker and accuse them of inappropriateness if they didn't happen to answer the phone. So why should I let him do that to me?? If he wants to know where I am, he can take care of his addictions and mental illnesses and come home. Otherwise, if he continues to chooses his illnesses ahead of his wife and family--guess what?? He has no right to know where I am.

I don't think it has sunk into his head yet that once that divorce is finally, I can date other men and even marry someone else; he doesn't get me or my help or support anymore. Like your H, I think he envisions it as getting all my support and love without having to live with me or be accountable for his actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I did notice something interesting. Both of our H's are addicts and bipolar. Maybe that's why I identify with you so strongly--I have felt exactly as you feel! Luckily, I only have myself and two kids though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a good day--no seriously, choose to have a good day today.

CJ

I am doing ok today, I am really worried about seeing him and what my reaction will be. My friends tell me to make sure I keep alot of distance because I know he will try to come up to me and hug and kiss me. He will act like nothing has happened and that we are just living apart. I don't think he will ever really know how badly he has hurt me or the rejection I feel. My love for him is/was very profound. I could only dream of being loved in that way. He had a good thing and he is destroying it every day. I am in a self preservation mode. I am afraid that I will see him and when he drives off in that uhaul I will be like I was on day one and rolling around on the floor crying and screaming for my husband. The wound is so fresh and I feel like I am just pouring salt in it. I am very grateful that he will be seeing the kids, but I have to put my full armour of God on because he will be the only one that will get me through it.

I have not responded to any of his emails, or his requests for a call, as he never bothered to respond to mine nor call me back. I am not trying to play a game but for the first time in 15 years I feel like I deserve to be loved and I mean truly loved through and through. He has no idea the damage he has done, and he may never but it isn't my problem anymore. Many hugs to you...