I entered a long (2 weeks, which is forever when you are going through a divorce) time ago a message about my wife wanting a divorce, and got some great advice in general and to read divorce busters specifically. I did the last ditch effort that the book talked about, and did a "180" in my efforts, meaning I no longer chased her and argued about her needing to return. We did not speak for 2 weeks, and then she calls and asks for dinner on Thursday. Great, I'll meet ya there, etc. I made a pact 2 weeks ago to not call and to never, ever bring up arguments for why she left. She made her decision, and I am learning to live with it. Anyways, we had dinner, nothing serious talked about, and then she asks me if we can go for a drive and "talk". Sure, lets go. During the drive, she said she has thought of nothing but this, and she asked two questions. How do I know that if she "would have" come back (mind you, not what if, but would have) that I wouldn't have resented her for leaving. I answered, quickly and without thought, that wouldn't be an issue because I feel that I am the reason you left. She kinda sat back and thought about that for a moment, and then asked, why do I feel like I've changed? I just as quickly replied that I've thought of little else in the immediate time you left, and that I like the way my thoughts are centering on other people now, and I don't want to go back to the way I was.
At no time did I press the issue of her coming back, we kept the conversation centered on her and how she is dealing with it. She got emotional, and said she felt terrible coming to me for support on this, and what it must be like for me to have to listen to this. I said that lets focus on you, and let you talk this out because I honestly believe that this is the first time she was trying to make sense of it, understand why. The only thing I said (because I mostly just listened) was trying to understand was a good thing, not a bad thing, and that I was there if she wanted to talk again.
Now, the tricky part. She called about 5 times on friday, 3 times on saturday and asked me to lunch, and wanted to go to church on Sunday. Then, called on Monday for dinner, after which we went to a christian book store so she could purchase a bible to replace the one she has had for 17 years. At no time did she mention the coming divorce, the surrounding issues, etc. She did however repeatedly ask how I was, how I was doing, like she wanted me to bring up the divorce. This 180 is extremely difficult for me, because I feel like it is manipulation. But, I know that at the time (2 weeks ago) me talking about how I felt, how hurt I was, etc, was only driving her further away.
I NEED ADVICE. What do you all think she is thinking? Basically, either she is trying out the lets be friends, or is giving thought to reconciliation. ADVICE DESPERATELY NEEDED. This woman means everything to me, and if friendship is what she wants, I feel priviledged that she is willing to be friends. However, if she is thinking about reconciliation, than I don't want to screw up my last chance at happiness. PLEASE HELP.

Let her be your friend for a while and see where it goes, as soon as you become intense she will bail out again, let her decide how its going to go,nothings going to change overnight, give her space, if its meant to be you will reunite, if not you will always have a friend.

lost 73,

Who knows what she is thinking, only God.

Ask God what he wants you do, how does He want you to look at this. There are some encouraging signs yet she could fall back or get scared - who knows.

Be hopeful yet don't have expectations. I need to repeat that for myself as well .... Be hopeful but don't have expectations

Blesings,
D.

Thanks for the good words. This is what I am telling myself. I just have to battle every minute to not push the issue, because I so want to say the right thing or do the right thing to win her back, to let her know how I feel. But I am able to bring the focus back to her, and what she is feeling (wish I could have done this when we were still married and together) and tell myself to let her call the shots. By the way, got the notice in the mail today that the court date for the divorce is June 2, 2003. Wish me luck, and God grant me strength and WISDOM.

It sounds good and I hope it all works out for you, but if you still have a court date open, guard your heart and keep your mind really open. Your wife may be fence sitting, but she also may be angling to keep friendship/thoughts of coming back going and your hopes raised in order to use your feelings during settlement. Know this has happened in a few situations. I truly hope that everything works out for you.

Lori

The last conversation we had she said that she did not want to get my hopes up, because she is not saying it will happen, or even likely to happen, but if come June 2nd (our court date) she wasn't positive this was what she wanted, she would delay or cancel it. What???? If she wasn't sure, why did she file? If she is sure, why say that she might not be in June? We've (at least I think we) have had a great week, talking about nothing and enjoying each others company. Is she just trying to be nice? or is there a chance that faith and love may win the day? My thoughts are (like everyone is saying here) hope for the best, but don't expect it. My life has never been better, and I should be the happiest guy in the world, but all I feel is the remorse of bad choices in our marriage. The only thing I am doing differently is when we are together, only thinking of what is good in my life, so it presents to her that I am happy. But I am not, I am actually quite miserable about the whole divorce thing. And then I feel guilty for not being honest and manipulative. This is the most intolerable situation I've ever experienced.

73, If she's still on the fence, there is still hope, keep taking it one day at a time. you giving her space is whats got her riding the fence, your not doing anything bad, i dont see that,what would be bad is winning her back and falling back to the old ways that got you where you are now, your new attitude has to be permanent or its not going to work out.hang tough.