An interesting thing I see in many divorces is each parent demanding that the other be a "certain kind" of parent....since i was the DAD here's my take: Becides being a father and husband, i'm also a MAN, and a person, I grew up with two parents who later divorced when I was 9 and i watched them battle and bicker about issues ranging from money to visitation,I didnt like any of it, but who was I, I was the kid who had no say in how it all went, i had to rely on the fact that each parent had SOMEONES best interest in mind, I dont know who's....My dad ran a struggling auto repair business, and even when he was living with me i didnt see much of him, mom didnt like it, but thats the way it was,and what he wanted,and I loved my dad in spite of his short comings,mom had her share of problems too, but same went for her, the thing that really killed Me as a kid was both of them telling the other all their shortcomings and expecting that even though they were divorced it somehow mattered what the other said, It didnt!!! DAD was dad and MOM was mom, and they were who they were,they could have spared me, the child all the bickering and hard feelings and stopped trying to MODIFY the other persons thinking,{ it didnt happen MARRIED, so how was that possible now?}.My point is WHY do divorced people even bother doing this? even though my mom meant well, she pointed out to me many times that my dad let me down sometimes, but she never bothered to tell me he did the same stuff when we all lived together, I took it all in stride then,so what changed when he left? nothing!! My dad loved me very much, but he had things going and he was busy, and IF my mom had taught me to take it in stride I would have been much better off.I learned a hard lesson through my parents mistakes, but in the end when i found my self in my dads place I found out first hand how hard it was for him to pick his priorities and balance everyones feelings..... when I divorced i wanted my kids to see more of me than I saw my dad, and i found out just how hard it was for dad to always make time to see me, i forgive him now, the mistake dad made was not telling me how full his plate was, and I remembered that, I told my kids from day 1 when the family split its going to be tough on us all, but dad still cares, and they did their best to understand when dad couldnt be there on schedule EVERY time.Dads dont always have the luxury of working "on the schedule", and if MOM stopped making an issue of it the kids would handle it much better.as a divorced parent i relied heavily on the " how it should be is not always how it is" theory,tactfull use of reality helps kids get past the short coming of each parent,I heard hundreds of complaints from my kids about mom, i tactfully and lovingly listened and usually referred them back to mom for the answer instead if bashing her all the time, I let HER deal withn her issues... when parents dont "play up"the short falls of the other parent the kids deal much better, think about it next time DAD or MOM falls down...

Though this really isn’t a gender specific issue, I felt the need to add my couple of cents:

“”””but in the end when i found my self in my dads place I found out first hand how hard it was for him to pick his priorities and balance everyone’s feelings..... “””””

For me, “picking” my priorities or balancing everyone’s feelings was never an issue and honestly I don’t see how it can be. People are selfish by nature and I see many of them:

1. Not accommodating their work schedule to spend time with their kids.
2. Choosing an active social life over their kids.
3. Picking to play family to other people kids over their kids.
4. Choosing to meet their sexual desires without consideration of their children’s emotional needs.
5. Picking to start a new family, pretty much leaving the children by the side of the road.

Quite honestly 41, I do agree with some of what you said, like not throwing rocks, but the rest of it sounds like justification, excuses, and quite frankly a cop out. When I divorced, raising my daughters to be emotionally healthy children became my #2 priority. Yes second only to serving my Father. My selfish desires are simply wants and their stability is a need in order for them to grow up and function in a healthy manner. I have not once missed my parenting time and I sure have taken a lot of my X's because of her choices. I have not once chosen any other activity over my children. I have not once missed a sporting event or activity that they participated in, unless I had tried absolutely possitively everything to get out of another appointment.

A hundred years from now, no one will remember or care about the car you drove, no one will remember or care about how much money you had in the bank. But if you touch the life of a child they will remember.

In closing, I simply say that the “picking” of our “priorities” define us as people and how history will remember us.

LH,

I applaud you. I'm not a very religious man, so I will say my daughter is my #1 priority. I too have never missed any of my scheduled time with my daughter and I arrange my social life around my time with my daughter. If I'm busy at work, I'll work through lunch or bring home work to do after my daughter goes to bed or stay late on the days when I don't have her. Your priorities are what you choose them to be and I choose her.

41,

I agree there's no point trying to change someone, married or not, and I never say a bad thing about my stbxW in front of my daughter. In fact I try never to mention her at all. My daughter's very young, so she doesn't ask many questions about us yet, but when she does I answer them as succinctly as possible. Sometimes she asks questions that require answers she's not old enough to understand, so I just tell her that's between her mother and I. Maybe not the best answer, but I'd rahter err on the side of caution.

Good luck.

sad dad

It seem to me all situations are different. I want my Husband to spend time with the kids. Since my Husband had left us twice for short times to live with another woman. I swallowed my pride and got to know her. I wanted things to be OK if he left for good. Last thursday he did.

It's awkward but I do like her. my son has asked if he can spend part of his spring brake with them. I'm struggling with what to do. He needs time with his dad. Maybe I'm just selfish or afraid of loosing him. It's hard not to show my broken heart or hurt. I keep saying things I wish I haden't. I want both my kids to understand that there dad loves them just not me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Sometimes it's to hard to hide the hurt. It seems to come out as anger.

Thanks for reminding me what I say and do maters.

Wish you well, Kathy

Forty one - You know I don't think that it is a Dad - Mom issue - I think that it is clearly the person who wants to spend time with the children will get a better response from the children... You posted to me a week or so ago and thought that I was trying to keep my children from my ex - Which is not true - the way I am looking at it is - I am the mother - I am the one that takes them to the doctors, goes to school functions, takes them to all activities.. This was even when my ex lived at home - because he worked full time - well guess what - I always worked fulltime but it was just expected of me... Fine - But now that he has betrayed me and devasted the life that my children have always known - of course they are gonna be a little bitter... I have tried to get them all to have a better relationship but he is selfish and basically I believe that his needs are put in front of the childrens... And you know these children are smart - I don't have to say anything bad about their Dad - they pretty much can judge for themselves who is caring for them... So I don't think it is Dads or Moms get a bad rap... I think that it is the selfish parent that gets the bad rap - and mostly deserves that....

41,

Great post! I printed it for my 14 year old to read.

It reinforces my feelings of keep the children out of my ex's and my personal feelings towards each other.

I do think over all my ex and I both try not to cut each other down, but sometimes we both mess up and it never helps the kids, it just makes them angry or bitter. It makes them want to take up for the parent that is being cut down.

Regarding your mom and dad. Just guessing but there's a few reasons I think they complained to you as a child.

I am in no way saying this is the right way to look at it, it's just some thoughts of why they may do this...

1. They may have thought the parent didn't care enough about them to change but that if the children let the other parent know it wasn't right the parent would love them enough to change. So they were putting you in the middle, but they thought it would make a difference, not knowing they were wrong.

2. The parent who has the child the most, may think the children are looking at the grass being greener and because the parent who is with them more often is the one the children usually see's more faults in, they want the kids to remember that their dad or mom is not as great as they think.

3. The parent who doesn't have the child the most wants the kids to see that the other parent has faults as well. While their fault may be different they want to say, "Yea I don't spend much time with you, but look at what other parent does...he/she's not perfect either.

4. It's all about the other parent wanting appreciation from the kids for what they do right. They just go about it the wrong way.

5. Your mom just wanted the best for you so badly, wanted your dad to be a part of your life, and just didn't realize it was hurting you to complain about your father.

Have you forgiven your mom for her short-comings of putting your father's lack of interest in seeing you down? I think that is something I would explore if I were you.

As for my older child, I bite my tongue so many times when he only see's his dad every other weekend, and says something like, "Dad is nicer than you."

He says he wants to go live with his father. At first I wanted to warn him about his dad, and say, "He has an anger problem, you only see him every other weekend so of course he's nicer, he doesn't have to tell you to clean your room...do your homework etc.," but then I bite my tongue and say, "Well, I want you to be happy so if you think living with your dad will make you happy, I won't be selfish and keep you here, go ahead and try it to see if you'll be happier."

His dad says "It's not the right time for him to move in with me, but later he can."

His dad is living with a woman that is going through a divorce...He moved to another town about 60 miles from our home. He made his choices...

I wish my 14 year old could appreciate me more, but most teens don't. I think when he is older he will appreciate me more. I know I appreciated my mom never cutting down my dad's faults when I got older.

Oh and here's one more thing, even though it is a little off topic it reminded me of what you were getting at...

Ex writes me from time to time wanting me to understand his side of the pain I caused him in the divorce...I respond with the pain he caused me...We go back and forth...nothing is settled...each has their view and one day it occured to me what the real problem is..

So I wrote him and said something like this, "I think the main problem is not caring, neither one of us cares what the other person went through or thinks, I only care about what you put me through, and you only care about what I put you through. That will never change, so it's finally time to let the past go."

I haven't heard from him on this topic since.

c'ya,

ANNA