I just separated from my husband about three weeks ago (married only two years). We were trying counseling, I just got frustrated after all the fighting and hit rock bottom. I needed my space and some peace in my life. Since I moved out it's been a rollarcoaster ride... major ups and downs, mostly downs. I was in bed most of the week, sleeping 12 hour days this week. Sometimes I can remember the love and the good times, other times I just dwell on the bad - and the bad got to be REALLY bad in the end. Our fighting led to violence, my husband pushed and shoved me in anger... I was so upset at him for calling some woman over and over our first year of marriage. I found cell records. He withheld her name and who she was for a time, making me know inside it was more than a "just a friend." I haven't been able to deal with the lying and deception, I have been just filled with anger. In counseling I was unable to fogive and get off the subject, he wanted to make our marriage work and was willing to go. I wish we could start over but how do you with so much baggage? How does one let go of the anger? How long should a separation last if it's to try to reconcile? What should one do in the meantime? Honestly right now I don't even want to see him, last time I dropped by the house he barked at me for not knowing he'd be home - he'd left a cell message for me and I hadn't checked. So like usually he patronized me and treated me like I was stupid. That's been the main problem in our marriage, the cut downs, treating me like I'm stupid, his making all the decisions. I was 32 when I married and was very independent and spirited. Now I feel so old and tired, he has been very hard on me. I just wish I could revive some hope, but I'm not so sure it's there...

Jordan,

did he change significantly after being married?

if so, haul your [censored] to the attorney's office and just file for divorce, and put him behind you. ..

no kids, just stop, cut your losses, and start over again. . .

very seriously, but only if he changed significantly after marriage. . . otherwise, take your time to get there, when you are ready. . .

wiftty

Oh, I knew he was critical by nature, he's a perfectionist and I'm not. We are opposites and the preacher who married us gave us a personality test and said my husband would have to stop being such a nit picker to get along with me - he saw the writing on the wall, that we'd have a major power struggle ahead of us. Problem is my husband thinks he's right and doesn't respect my opinions, doesn't really listen to me. I married him knowing he was critical by nature BUT I didn't realize how hard it was to live with someone like this - who is always on top (meaning you are way beneath them), I'm not sure if it's purposeful or not - he likes order and just takes over everything. I haven't felt like myself since I got married, you lose a lot to someone who controls everything. We haven't been able to communicate our needs - it's all been about his needs, he's got everything he wants - the big house, the fancy cars, the 'trophy wife' (that wasn't supposed to move or have opinions)... why should he change? He's a very selfish man, he's lost two other marriages and blames it all on women in his life... of course when I was dating him I should have seen that. If he blamed it all on his ex's I'd be next. I thought of it, but hey, perhaps it was arrogance on my part - I thought I could handle this and he was a challenge. The moral is if you play with fire you get burnt - I was playing with a tough personality, I married him. A good friend on mine, an older man said soon after I married: "you know what you've done to yourself now, you know he won't support you..." Others warned me of the same. The shrink said I wouldn't listen to others as I was being hard headed, yes I'm stubborn and I like to fix things that have problems. Doesn't appear like this one is gonna get fixed does it?

I would have to say that depends on him whether is can be fixed or not. Your H sounds a lot like me. I truely believe that I have gotten better since my stbxw left the first time. The problem I see with mine though is the influence other people had on my W when she came back was very negative. No matter how much better I got, no matter how hard I tried she denied I was getting better.. I could point out a specific thing that I might have done that I would have never done before and she would make it seam negative. My advice to you is if you TRULY want it to work you need to do your part. I worked and worked and worked while my W sat back and planned her next "Escape" Now I'm alone and she is looking for a new man. Go figure. No matter what she has put me through I would still take her back if she would be open minded and realize that it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. Life goes on either way. Stay strong.

You do sound somewhat like my husband. I'll admit that he's been willing to try counseling and there were improvements. The shrink pointed them out, I wouldn't give him credit, I was planning my escape in the back of my head. It's hard to trust again after so much has gone on... it just took little things to "set me off" - negative comments, cut downs - I'll admit they were in the league they used to be.. but, he was very hard on me and it's just been a two year marriage.

I'm also having trouble with the influence of other people. I know better then to let friends and family influence me - BUT it's hard not to when you've been through hell in a marriage. I try to think of the good times and they've far outweighed the bad. I used to look for the good in my husband, and when we were dating I did the same. Now my head is filled with so much negative garbage from friends and family about how he is. They don't even know him like I do... but everyone is arrogant enough to make judgement calls. Some of my friends have crappy marriage, yet I was the one talking about my marriage - they didnt' talk about theirs. Perhaps it's that I'm insecure and I dont' trust my own feelings and judgements that I let friends influence me. It's like they are saying "I told you so" and are enjoying it. I made my marriage choice and I knew how my husband was before I married him. I knew we'd both have to change, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy marriage. I didn't want easy, that's a choice I made.

A shrink said I was just going through formalities to justify leaving my husband. Maybe he's right, that I was doing counseling to say I did it. I dragged it out for months, and maybe it wasn't fair to my husband - then I just left one day. .That was it, over a fight that was nothing, a minor one... I packed and left. Perhaps it was my inner fear that was talking to me. I just want to feel safe and loved, he scares me right now. He didn't protect me, he was very hard on me. I think he really does love me, he doesn't know how to show it. With counseling and proper role models I think he could learn to be a good husband. He means well he just doesn't know how to support a wife... do any of us really know how to be married, we learn from mistakes and from hurting is the sad part.

So what do you mean by "doing my part?" I can see what you mean that I have put myself "above" him by not letting go of his wrongs, or complimenting him for trying. Perhaps he's had all the power in this marriage and it's been the only thing that gave me a step up - that he really screwed up. I've used it against him over and over again, continually pointing out his flaws, often in anger. I know it's not fair and I couldn't stop it. I guess it's a defensive reaction but I'm sure he's hurting over it. I knew I can move on like your wife, meet someone new, but there will be a whole new set of issues. Maybe they'll be a hell of a lot easier then these though. I'm tough, but not sure I'm tough enough for this...

Yes, if he didn't change and I knew how he was when I married him then I should take it slow. There was "something" there that drew us together and kept us together for a three year long distance relationship, then we married two years ago and he moved for me, and me for him. We both sacrificed to make this marriage work. It's hard to throw it away.

Well, first off let me clerify a little on my W. She hasn't actually found someone else yet. She will though, I know that. We've only been seperated for about 2 or 3 weeks now. But before she even moved out she asked me if I would be mad if she went on a date.. Anyway, another issue for my own thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What I mean by doing your part is exactly what you said. Be open to his change. Don't condemn him for trying. Actually force yourself to see that he is trying. Of course this is all if he IS actually trying. I'm pretty much acting like I'm giving my own W advise, sure would be nice if I could and have her listen to it. Honestly I would say go give him a hug. I would just melt into a little baby if my W would just pop in and give me a hug. Even if she didn't say a word and left right after. Thats saying a lot for me too. I've always been a "Bad A$$ Marine" our entire marriage, one of the things that she didn't like. I sure found emotion though going through this. I say don't give up. Unless there is abuse or drugs involved I would never give up. Be strong but not forceful. Be loving but not smothering. Best wishes.

ItsNOTMyFaultNOW:

Hey, that's my husband, acting like a big A$$ marine, always in control, not realizing that he was driving me and likely others before me completely insane. NO he's the one alone and I'm gone. He left the other two wives, this is the first time he's been left I think and I'm sure it hurts. BUT it's called Tough Love and I felt like I had to leave him to get my control back, to get self esteem and to feel like "me" again. He drained me, I could not be perfect and he grilled and grilled me. If he wants someone as senitive as me he'll have to change and learn to be softer. I simply can't handle the grilling but I understand that men often don't realize how sensitive women our and our emotional needs/hurts. Things go much deeper for us and we tie everything together, not just one incident.

I know I hurt my husband by leaving just when he was trying to change. Even the shrink said he was trying a bit, that was a big step for him. And not all men are even willing to go to counseling to begin with - he went on his own to one and I've dragged him through two others, and now maybe three. It proves that he wants to be married to me and he wants to try, he's said that in front of shrinks that he really wants this marriage. I wanted change overnigt and I did screw up by telling friends stories of what he did two years ago - and not today that he's trying. Friends will always "support" you and slam your husband, yet they won't slam their own marriage that might be worse off. That's something I've learned through all of this. And that sometimes men are quicker to forgive then women - it's hard for us, but you see we add it all up, unlike men, and when it's too much it's hard for us to forgive at all.

Tonight I barked at my husband, went to his house and picked up taxes from last year saying I wouldn't be by over the weekend - that he wouldn't get the benefit of being married to me tax wise after what he put me through. Then I got on this site, and thought about it more. REALLY you are right, I married this man, he didn't totally change so it's no shock that he's controlling... and he was trying to change, and was willing to work on this marriage. I read what you wrote to me about the hug thing, I picked up the phone, called him and said I would be by Sunday to finish taxes with him - AND did he want to go to a movie with me tomorrow. I felt especially bad since he was in bed at 9:30 saying he was exhausted, I think he was depressed from all of this. Why did I have to chew him out? It's like I get power from rubbing his face in his faults over and over - he had so much control over me for two years of marriage, I suppose it's one I have on him. And I know it's not fair.

I have been demanding with him, you said to be strong but not forceful. Be loving but not smothering. I certainly won't smother him but I could show SOME love after all we've been together almost six years, married for two, I chose him over many men I dated. I didn't want a "wimp" I wanted a man who would take some control, I just didn't expect him to take most of it. Now I can get some back, but maybe I won't give up quite yet if he's willing to keep trying. We both need to do some changing and I'm starting to see that I do to... seems like it's easy to think the man is evil, society and our friends support that. But us women can be real jerks too.

To me being HONEST for the first time in 17 years would be a start.

to make a long story short, hon, anything I did pales in comparison to the SICKNESS and no, I want my kids to know what a louse their dad is. i don't want them to think its okay to lie your way through life to get what you want...and lees, ain't it just about the money? otherwise i wouldn't be posting from Baghdad now would I? and you'd be with him every night. gope you like the leftovers.

JordanP, I'm glad to hear your trying to be more sensitive to his feelings.. I wish someone would talk to my W like I am to you. You are defidently right about the friends thing. I'm sure they are the reason my W totally gave up. Just rembmer, I wouldn't suggest spending too much time together right now. I learned that if I spend more than an hour with my W we both start to get agitated. A movie might be alright because you won't talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> There is going to be a lot running threw both of your heads and they will probably be totally different for both of you. I know my W pretty much thinks the exact opposite of whatever I do right now. I would just keep conversation to a minimum for a while, especially about the separation. Start slowly. Be happy you have another chance, what I wouln't give for another chance.

My phone rang, he called and I didn't answer. I was thinking again that I just couldn't handle it, that we would fight, that he would cut me down, criticize me... it's too much right now. BUT you are right, a movie, if we meet there and don't talk, or a beer at a loud place where you can't talk deep? How after so much has gone on can you fix this? Yes, there can be a second chance and I realize many people would want that, and my husband is willing to go to counseling. I know it's easier to just move on. I'm at such an emotional low right now I can't even face him hardly.

A customer of mine told me about him and his wife yesterday. They have been together over 30 years, his wife was the sensitive/emotional type and it drove him crazy. She'd blow up at him like I did my husband thus he'd flirt with other women to get his needs met and make him feel better. She in turn got enraged more. Finally the last 10 years of their marriage they have enjoyed each other, they spent years in counseling. His wife wanted to run, to divorce, to leave and he faught for the marriage. Really, I know he was a jerk, I knew rumors of him in his 30s and people warned me of him. He never picked up on me, I asked him why, he said I wasn't like those girls, needy, broke, etc. - ie I wouldn't have built his ego up like the bimbos. Of course that's who my husband chose to flirt with, complete bimbos, they weren't smart like me, it's made me sick.

Anyways I didn't tell him I was separated I just said it's hard for a woman. He said a shrink explained it to him as women are creating spider webs the entire marriage. Every little thing a man does wrong is put into that web and it gets bigger and bigger. Whereas a man compartmentalizes everything. So a woman just lets it build up and blows up, she can't handle it anymore. A man sees himself as being wrong a time or two, he apologizes for it and hopes it's gone. It's not for a woman, especially the flirting and cheating... ever since my husband did that his controlling has gotten to me 10 times more. And I know in a way he did it in response to my emotional blowups. Some of that comes from my background, my family, baggage from other relationships... but he adds to it and kaboom, I blow up. I need to learn to control that but I don't trust him anymore not to criticize me, take over and be like a drill sargeant. How much is this engrained in his personality, I'd ask him so many times to stop, he didn't even know what so how can he change. The shrink talked to him about control, and making all the decisions... but by then I was at an emotional bottom and I didn't believe he'd change.

Not sure what to do...