ok, I am crying my eyes out at my office, I have been really great with the no contact and he sends me email and says read the lyrics to this song and enough said.

I thought it was over
I thought I could move on
But I was wrong
I woke up last night
Calling your name

Feeling the blame baby
Thought I could quit you but
I still miss your love

What was I thinking
Thinking that I could still
Walk down the street
Without you by my side
Or make it through one night
Alone I lied
I said a lot of things
I didn't really mean
How can I make you see
What matters most to me
Girl I shoulda known it
I couldn't last a moment without you

You've got every right
To turn and walk away
I can't make you stay
I broke your heart
I wasted so much precious time baby
I see you with your friends
Wearing a smile again

What was I thinking
Thinking that I could still
Walk down the street
Without you by my side
Or make it through one night
Alone I lied
I said a lot of things
I didn't really mean
How can I make you see
What matters most to me
Girl I shoulda known it
I couldn't last a moment without you

Thought I could quit you
But I still miss your love

What was I thinking
Thinking that I could still
Walk down the street
Without you by my side
Or make it through one night
Alone I lied
I said a lot of things
I didn't really mean
How can I make you see
What matters most to me
Girl I shoulda known it
I couldn't last a moment without you
Oh girl I shoulda known it
I couldn't last a moment
Without you

Oh my God, please help me to be strong and not crumble, if only I could believe him but his actions are showing me the total opposite.

((((((((((((((((HUGGS)))))))))))))))))))

Mamma 8--- My he's playing the song that gets us played along, strung along that senerades us right back to Heartbreak Hotel. Here we are trying to check out of Heartbreak Hotel.

Did we want to check into HeartBreak Hotel given a choice.

I am sure if he could walk his talk that would be real song in your heart.

Take it as song, be polite gracious, and remember to take a break and go out with the girls. Where I am going out tonite. I haven't done that in over a year... Oh my me mama's taken time off from grief, pain, hurt, over responiblity....

By the way, my STBX was also musician for many years. Think you would love one of his song he wrote supposably for me called "Wake UP with my name" I have come home sober take my body and soul blah, blah, blah,,,,

Oh those tricks, keep up your armor, shield of faith!!!

Perhaps he might want to send literature from the treatment center he is visiting or report on his health for the Bi=polar now that's music!!!!(Smiles)

Be strong, because you are strong....just being checked out to find any weakness......

Big hugs, off to have a shower and get ready to see my girlfriend from my junior high days. No tears in my eyes Momma is going out tonight!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )))

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Okay, hon--here's the cyber kleenex. Now BLOW. There ya go.

First, please email me off-forum at cindy_cj_wolfe@hotmail.com. I'll send you my phone number if I have to, okay??

Second, BOY, do I know exactly how you feel. I wanted my husband SOOOOoooo much. I would have done anything for him to love me, and I wanted to believe his words and promises and songs SOOOOOoooooo much. It tears my heart out!!

But--I know that you know that his ACTIONS speak what is really in his heart. Unfortunately, I think bipolar men tend to behave in ways that really hurt their partners and loved ones, and then literally a minute later, they'll act like they really LOVE them and in their heads, they mean it! I sincerely think that my stbxH THINKS he loves me, when he tells me all that smooshy stuff. However, his ACTIONS say that he's not willing to deal with his addiction or with his mental illness--and so I know that as long as he refuses to do that, nothing will change.

Mommax8--you KNOW that I understand how you feel. Feel it. Let yourself cry like a baby, because it hurts. It's reasonable to collapse and weep, because you have CHILDREN with this man and you wanted to have a LIFE with this man!! But I suspect you are also smart enough to know that if he doesn't actively work on his problems, nothing will change. Do you want it to be the same as it's always been?? No, of course not. I know you don't.

So cry tonight. Let yourself have a pity party and eat ice cream or chocolate or whatever. But TOMORROW, you get your head back on straight girl. You know that you need to set some boundaries for yourself regarding him. I asked my stbxH three questions:

1) What are you willing to do to work on our marriage and make it a MUTUALLY loving relationship?? In this question, I also want to include what you are willing to do to be completely 100% faithful to me, and address the sexual addiction.

2) What are you willing to do to address your physical and mental illnesses? Taking a "pill" and claiming you're cured doesn't cut it. What are you willing to ACTIVELY DO??

3) What are you willing to do to end your abusive, rageful behavior toward me and address your anger issues?? What are you going to do to protect me from rage?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm sad to say that when I presented it like that, he put it off and put it off and put it off for weeks--he wasn't really willing to do anything. He wasn't willing to change in any way or admit that he had problems or anything.

Hang in there, mommax8. We're here.

CJ

Here's a song to inspire you and balance out his:

I WILL SURVIVE

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Momma - If you like to read. I was given this book to read "Why Does He Do That?". I haven't started it, cause I just got it tonight. See if that helps. I have asked my counselor many questions, and she said this book would be good to read.

Good luck. Tomorrow hopefully, will be a better day.

Thank you so much I surely need all of your encoragement.

Well to give you an update my daughter called her dad last night because she missed her time on Wed because she wasn't home so she is talking to him for quite sometime and then he says let me talk to your mom.

I say hello (first mistake taking the call) anyway, he begins professing his love for me, tells me that he realizes he can't live without me and that he misses me so much, he can feel me next to him and all around him and it just is tearing him apart. I say to him "but you left me remember" he says "i left the situation not you" ok that makes it sound better???????????Anyway we talk for sometime, he talks about getting the uhaul and his stuff and then talks about getting himself a car and coming up every other weekend to see me and the kids, then when he gets a place here then we can see each other and it will be like we are dating. I don't have to work on Monday's so he looks forward to spending the entire day together.......I guess the color of the sky in his world is not the same as mine. Oh I am not going to lie, I bought into it, my mind was saying oh wonderful, I will still have him...oh yes we can do that....then reality hit me..when he says "if you continue to get therapy and behave like your doing we can have a relationship again" Ok, is this conditional or what......yes I have my things to work on but not once does he admit to his behaviour. Well this is when it gets interesting, he asks me about the divorce papers because he hasn't gotten them, which I filed on Mar 21, so I don't understand why but he says "I don't like surprises you know that, you better not have slammed me" I then proceed to tell word verbatim what it says (second mistake) anyway it has his alcohol and prescription drug abuse, driving with the kids drunk and getting in an accident with them, and falling down the stairs with my daughter in his arms. HE WENT BALLISTIC...........I said to my stbxh, "that is the truth, that is what happened" he tells me "it did not have to be put on paper, this could have been a SIMPLE non-contested divorce".. here we go again, obviously living in a world other than mine....he said I slammed him, I told him I am protecting my children and no one will stop me from doing that and I am sorry that it hurts you but these were choices you made and it is your choice to act like it never happened and until you do there is no hope for us at all.

Well his phone was going bad so he says I want to say I love you before the phone goes dead, I told him that if he changes his mind now about seeing the kids on Easter weekend I will never forgive him for breaking their hearts, he said nothing...he can turn it off and on like a switch.... The phone then went dead....

I have been spending the morning analyzing yesterday, the conversation, I am completely blown away by his attitude towards everything....

I heard a new saying that I am waiting for the best opportunity to use it and that it "welcome to the land of the too damn bad" I just love that...well feedback will definitely be appreciated....thanks again

Also thank you for the advice on the book, I am doing alot of reading these days ...