Ok, after a year and a half lurking on this web site, I think it is time to post. The confusion is to much to bare and I need some advice from those that have been and still are there.

My wife and I are currently in the process of divorce. I could go into great detail about what has happened over the last couple of years but I think the shorter version will keep everyone's attention. We have been married for going on ten years and been living together for 14. Two beautiful girls through this marriage that we both love and would do anything for. There have been many reasons for our departure in ways, but to get to the point, my wife has had and is still having an affair which in my opinion was brought on due to finances (she had acrued a large debt unknown to me until a week before she filed for divorce). I was told by my lawyer to stay in the house as long as possible because it was the only chance I had to have as much custody of the kids that I could. This only brought on resentment in my wife, so she filed a restaining order against me and had me removed. It was a bogus charge that affected me deeply that someone I loved and continue to love would do that to the father of thier own children, but in her defense I understand why she did it, I just dont agree with it.

I still love my wife and realize she is still in "the fog" but think that she may be pulling out of it. Since temporary financial arrangements have been made, her attitude has change and we are now are on talking terms as well as dating, hence the reason for the confusion. I am unsure about what to do next. I do want this women back in my life but do not want to do anything that would push her away at this point. What to do....what to do...live for the moment and just enjoy without thinking long term?

should I bump this up?

Communication - seems to be the most important point right now. How did you accumulate such a debt? What did she buy with the debt? What are her plans for getting rid of the debt?

Next, set boundaries on the dating! Make sure that you are being a thoughtful loving husband. But be sure that you are also being wise and not letting her use you.

Ask the daughters what they would like to see. Talk to them about the emotional imbalance in the marriage, and the affair.

Be honest with each other, and don't let her get you both more in debt. Because what she indebted is still both your responsibility. I would ask her to seek financial aide, if needed.

Also, There is the heart of you, that will be giving and taking. Be sure you are prepared for setbacks. They will happen, and be prepared.

Your wife, is not out of the ffoogggg......! Wayward spouses in the fog are so ballistic. I know, have had to deal with a husband who showed ugly actions here.

Try to be nice, honest, loving, and caring. See what happens. If finances, were a issue, maybe you two need to see a financial advisor. Maybe you two need to have a budget, and stick to the budget. If you two spent beyond your means, then tell the daughters things have to change now, and that maybe they should help with the finances, by getting a job. Or by helping out more, or whatever you think would be of help to the family.

The kids need to realize that they have to work together as a team. They have to become part of the working structure of this team.

Good luck.

I guess I need to explain. I did not accumulate the debt although I know that I am responsible for half of it. My wife is in business for herself and has accumulated the debt. That was never the issue for me. I have told her that we can work out the financial side of this. Her reply was basically that she couldnt live the way the "society" said is the normal way to live (ie the affair that she wasnt going to give up). With the restraining order I am no longer in the house which makes the financial side of this even tougher as well as not being there as a family. The girls are to young to totally understand what is happening but we do our best to explain to them.

I have known about the affair for the last 2 years and have plan A'd to death. I dont know, but part of me is telling me that she is just playing me....but why? As an example, the day we went into court for the temporary financial arrangements, we ended up in bed together...what? I often wonder if the debt was caused by drugs which would also explain the altered mood over the last couple of years, but my lawyer tells me it would be very hard to prove. I have tried to be understanding, caring and very loving. I just want her to realize that I will be there for her when this is all done....but is she using that against me to get what she wants?