Dear All:

I need help in understanding infidelity.

Any act of infidelity causes terrible pain. I know. I betrayed my wife a half dozen times over a period of 12 years while far away on travel. I kept this behavior shamefully hidden, but in the end, I confessed because I so much wanted our relationship to be renewed and based upon complete honesty. My first unfaithful act was committed while I was still an emotional "teen-ager" and since then my guilt snowballed and led to further regrettable actions which I could never share. Now at 39, I am "finally" an "adult", and ready to live and love maturely, but my wife refuses to give me that one more chance. She trusted me fully and thought I would be the last husband in the world to cross the line. I let her down and now she has moved out and will soon divorce me.

Upon my confession, I pleaded sincerely for forgiveness. My wife responded by immediately starting a new relationship. She has also refused to acknowledge her actions as being infidelity even though the affair has occurred during our marriage over the past 9 months. Her rationalization is that I broke the trust first so she is a free woman.

Regarding the capacity to forgive though, does it make any difference regarding the type of affair a spouse has? For instance, is a lengthy affair with the same person (my wife actions) any different from a series of one night stands (my actions)? Is either one easier to forgive? Can`t both our infidelities eventually be forgiven?

I know that I can forgive my wife, but when I say that I will forgive her, she replies; forgive me for what?

Please help me to understand.

Doug In Finland

hi, i am a BS. My H had a short affair while away from home. The pain was horrendous, i felt my whole life was ruined and a lie. From what i've read, the length or type of A does not alter the pain level or chance of recovery. It is the BETRAYAL and sense of rejection that hurts. It is usual for BS to feel their self esteem is crushed and they are very vunerable to an affair. Some BS CANNOT forgive adultery nor should be expected to. read up on MB/plans, and good luck, ad x

“””I know that I can forgive my wife, but when I say that I will forgive her, she replies; forgive me for what?”””

I, guess I would ask you, Why do feel that you need validation from her?

I posted this on a thread, I think before you came to this site:

I see many people here struggle with the thought of forgiveness and even more that harbor great resentment against their spouse or x-spouse. A friend of mine recently asked me the importance of forgiveness and I found this on www.bible.com. The words in Mark really made me see the difference in my life pre & post forgiveness. Just thought I would share..

Matthew 6:14-15, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Mark 11:25-26 (Amplified) "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop--leave it, let it go--in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your (own) failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings."

These verses are perhaps some of the least applied Scriptures in the Kingdom of God. Somehow, many of us are deceived into thinking that we do not have to take them literally. However, Jesus emphasized this principal over and over again in His parables and teachings. If we receive God's forgiveness, it is our duty to forgive those who have wronged us. The two are inseparable. Jesus said plainly that God will not forgive us, if we do not forgive others. Many Christians are full of condemnation and guilt because they still feel the weight of their sins, even though they've asked God to forgive them. Could it be that they have not been able to receive God's forgiveness because they still have bitterness in their own hearts toward others? Sometimes, we may carry bitterness and hurt so long, that we no longer even recognize it as a problem. It becomes a part of our very nature. We may not scheme for revenge, but our souls are clouded with a quiet, persistent bitterness.

Some of us have been betrayed in devastating ways, and have suffered profoundly at the hand of abusive people. Others have been horribly mistreated by those of other races, nations, and religions. If you are suffering with deep unhealed wounds, know the Lord has also been hurt with your pain. He loves you and wants to heal you. It is because of His great love for you that He is calling you to forgive. It is your only release from the emotional prison that you are now in.

You do not have to live in a continual state of submission to evil emotions. You can be free of them, through the power of the cross. "Behold, I make all things new" says the Lord. You can be made new on the inside, and no longer staggering under a load of bitterness, hatred, pain, and depression. God wants to set you free right now!

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all always>>>>>>>

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Infidelity is infidelity. There is no types, all are committed with sin, and God sees all infidelity the same.

What seems to be shown here by your wife, is anger, and resentment, that now you are ready to grow up and be a husband. After all the affairs, you had, and she is responding by saying that you had your affair I am going to have mine. She is no better than you, and therefore, she is committing sin. When she says, 'For What', she is showing anger and resentment. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but she knows now that you are pleading, begging, and she knows what buttons to push.

If I was you I would do Plan A, very gently, and just keep the radical honesty 100%. She may come around, but this woman is hurting so severely. A betrayed spouse has pain that you really would never understand.

I was pained so severely, and went into a deep depression. I married my husband for life. And for him to have an affair, and state to me, that he didn't have sex, cause they did everything else but intercourse, and to compare my body to hers, and the lies, the deceit, using our money on this trampy woman. Telling me that he didn't love me and loved the other woman. And all of this, during the time my father was severly ill, and died. You don't really know how it feels, cause you were not the one who made a committment from day one. You were still being a young man and spreading your DNA. NOW that you have grown up and seeing your wife as a beautiful person, as a woman that you love, you have destroyed her heart. I am reading a book about how affairs destroy the betrayeds heart. How the trust is not there, cause there is no trust. And my husband does not see the pain he has caused me. He does not have the empathy.

Your woman is acting out in hurtful actions, and once she gets through this period, she will realize that she was no better than you. But now she is hurting deeply, and not being rational. She is expressing her pain to you, and it seems she probably doesn't love this other man, but he is meeting her needs, cause you were always too involved outside of the marriage.

Have you two thought of counseling, or you going to cousneling yourself? Show her that you love her, and care about her very much. Show her that you are becoming a better person. Work on yourself, and forget about the different types of infidelity. As long as you lusted for a woman inside of your marriage, you committed sin. And as long as she is lusting for the man, she has committed sin.

Work on yourself, and good luck.

Bill and Faith have covered the religious implications nicely so I won't go into that.

Keep in mind that this is my opinion only.
My husband left me in Dec 2000 to begin a relationship with an illegal immigrant--nothing physical between them. During the 6-8 weeks he was gone, he also had sex with a stripper who was a friend of a friend of husband. (the immigrant was deported shortly after he left.)
September 2001 I foolishly embarked on a sex only affair. It lasted about 4 weeks until I came to my senses.

As far as the length of an affair, it's all the same. It doesn't matter that my h slept with the stripper once, twice, thirty times. It's all the same. It doesn't matter if it was *only* oral, petting, whatever--it was still infidelity. It doesn't matter that husband never had sex with the immigrant. He left me for her...deepest betrayal. In fact that his heart was no longer with me but someone else.

Do you think my husband will view my affair differently than any other just because I never had 'sex' with him? That it was not full intercourse-just heavy petting. I bet not.

The only differentation *I* can make is between a purely physical affair (mine--it was for sex only and we both knew it) and an emotionally involved affair (his--he wanted to be the Knight in Shining Armor). And for me, the knowledge that his 'heart' was in it, is much more painful than if he was just having sex. My theory on sex is that for a lot of men, it is no more important than any other biological need like eating, going to the bathroom. For women, sex is all tied up in love, admiration, desire. So, imo, it would have been better if he had just had sex...of course, the perfect scenario would be that he had never strayed, either physically or emotionally.