Hello everyone,<BR>My marriage is good! No affairs, No separations, No abuse, totally boring. That's the problem. All the attention is toward the business of the day. Carpool the kids. Pay the bills. Work on volunteer projects. Work in the yard. Does this ring a bell with anyone? I keep thinking "If it ain't broke don't fix it" but I feel the overwhelming need to shake up the marriage and get it moving a little bit. I've started a dialog with my wife to try and improve our personal relationship. I want to improve our "personal" communication and hopefully, that will lead to more satisfying relations between the sheets. There's nothing I can really put a finger on as being wrong, it's just the rut. I guess I feel like the rats are winning the rat race and I'm just standing by watching. We're both in our early 40s, three boys, one 22 on his own, one 15 and one 13.<P>I would love some comments from others in similar marriages. I don't want to belittle those of your who are facing serious marrital problems, but I would like to hear from some success stories.<P>Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Have you tried filling out the EN and LB Questionnaires with your wife? That will at least let both of you know where you ought to put your efforts.

We're working on the EN questionaire now, but haven't seen the LB questionaire. I assume that stands for Love Busters. Is that available on the website here somewhere?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Greetings Brent,<P>I am de-lurking for the first time to reply to your post. You & I sound similar, I am a mid-forties male, married 25 years, with two children, 22 & 19. Your remark about feeling like you are 'in a rut' and wanting to "shake up the marriage and get it moving a little bit" is what struck me as something I might be able to discuss with you. I will assume your marriage is like ours; we are best friends, don't argue, no affairs, but a few years ago we felt we were drifting apart.<P>We did go to a marriage counselor for a while; it was helpful in getting some issues out of the way. For example, my wife is the type who would always put others needs before hers. This had the side effect of building resentments, some of them towards me. The counseling appointments became a safe place to discuss these feelings. The majority of our discussions with the counselor involved exploring our FOO (families of origin) and methods of communicating. All this was helpful but it still seemed like there should be more…<P>What worked best for us, and what I encourage you to do, was to read all the useful stuff on this web-site and get some of Dr. Harley's books. I have read many relationship books over the past 5+ years. All have some useful information but 'His Needs Her Needs' is the one book I found to be the most useful. Give and Take sounds good also but I have not read it (yet). If you haven’t already done so, read the Basic Concepts, understand Dr. Harley’s rules, learn what your spouse’s top EN’s are, and become an expert at meeting them. <P>Another interesting concept is that of ‘Personality Types’. I have not read much on this idea but some here have found it helpful. FWIW, my wife and I are opposite in every facet of our personality types. I feel it means we each complement the others strengths & ‘weaknesses’. BTW, I used to joke that we had exactly three things in common: we were both married on the same day, at the same time, and at the same church!<P>I ‘hear you’ about wanting “to improve our "personal" communication and hopefully, that will lead to more satisfying relations between the sheets”. Although that is a reasonable goal, I’d like warn you about expressing that as your ‘main goal’. One of my wife’s resentments was that she often felt all I wanted from our relationship was sex. It took a while for us understand how males often confuse sex & affection. (My #1 & 2 needs.) As we explored my wife’s top EN’s and I became better at meeting them, she became better at meeting my top EN’s. Interestingly, after doing the EN questionnaire, I realized one of my top needs was for Honesty. As my wife & I discussed this, we realized her habit of putting others needs first (to the neglect of her own) was, in a way, ‘dishonest’. As she became more comfortable at stating her needs (and thereby allowing me to fill them) our relationship blossomed (I’ll leave the details to your imagination but it does involve plenty of activity ‘between the sheets’!) I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that the process of improving your overall relationship will improve your sexual relationship. The effort will be worth it!<P>In addition to all the relationship books, the Forums at this web site are also very helpful. It often feels somewhat voyeuristic but reading about other’s problems and hearing the various points of view has helped me to understand both my wife and myself. If I read something that seems applicable to us, I use it as a conversation starter. As I mentioned earlier, infidelity is (fortunately) not an issue for us so I rarely check the Forums for that topic. The Forum I browse most often is Emotional Needs (sometimes I think it should be re-named Sexual Fulfillment Needs…!)<P>Enough rambling for now, I replied as I consider our marriage to be a “success story”. If you have any specific questions, try posting on the Emotional Needs forum. In the meanwhile, I’ll watch for any further questions you might have in this thread.<P>EjR

ghnl,<P>Thanks for the great response. I also have gotten a lot from reading through the EN forums. Things have improved quite a bit. We are working on the EN questionaire and I agree that SF should not be the main priority. (I believe it ranked third in my assesment below honesty and affection)We have had a minor setback due to our Adult son wanting to move back home (See my other tread about this)However, my wife is a professional career women who also does a lot of volunteer work and time seems to be a problem. She's had the questionaire for several weeks and still can't seem to get to it, so I just wait.<P>I'll keep at it though. And the action between the sheets is improving ever so slowly. We don't have much privacy. We're at that age when our teenage boys go to bed after we do. They are constantly milling around the house and it tends to prevent us from getting the mood going.<P>Oh well, At least we're living a real life.<P>Thanks again and Thanks for delurking! We need you in here!<P><P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B