I have quite a long story to tell.....as I'm we all do.....

Hi all, I am so sad today. My family has now completely fallen apart. I now have to face the fact that my wife and I will never reconcile. And to make matters worse, I have to face the fact that there will now be 2 more kids who come from a broken home. These two things totally break my heart.

Here is what happened: I promised to give my wife her space to travel down her path to "find herself" (we have been together since high school -22 years-, she has had cancer twice, and has been in college part time for 10 years) I thought if I gave her space that she would see eventually that I am a kind, supportive, loving husband and father, and give our relationship another try. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live close to her(we are seperated but still living together in seperate rooms), be her friend, and not show my love for her. I spent much of the weekend crying and asking WHY can’t she give the relationship another try?? I’m sure the relationship could be different. But in the end the issue I couldn’t cope with is my need for her attention. My need for attention is what smothered my wife (who is very independent to begin with) during our marriage, and now my need to attention killed any chance we had at reconciliation.
This weekend I couldn't understand why she wouldn't give us and our family one more chance given all the changes we have made (lots of therapy). After I talked, cried, pleaded and begged she finally got fed up and told me “it’s over… stop acting like a child and get over it”. OUCH!
In the morning I woke with quite a bit of anger. I left for the gym figuring the workout would help. But I became more and more angry and left the gym and sped home to confront my wife. When I got home I called her selfish, self centered, and a home wrecker for wanting to break up our marriage, and for "hitting" on her married boss which could have broken up their family too. And she has a loving devoted husband who has been through thhick and thin with her, and who is also an awesome father to our 2 kids. Why brake up a family for your own self wants/needs?
Well needless to say she did not respond to this well. She threw a humidifier at me, started yelling that I am a “needy” loser and a weak man. She then hit me with her belt and kicked me many times. All this was happening while the kids were down stairs getting ready for school. I felt really bad for the kids so I was going to let them stay home from school and spend time with them. Well, this made her completely crazy and she made the kids get in the car and took off with them telling me its time to get the lawyers involved.
At this point I was feeling that I was now going to lose everything important to me in the whole world. So, I called the police figuring that if I made a statement to them of how she was violent and took the kids, this would help me when court time came. Well how naive was I??? The police charged her with felony assault and me with a misdemeanor of disorderly conduct. We had to go to court in the morning and I had to leave the house for 5 weeks!
Well, it has now been 5 days away from my home and here is what I have learned:
1. My kids LOVE ME! Not just as their dad who cooks for them, plays ball with them, and goes for bike rides with them, and makes them feel secure in the home. When I am with them now, they show appreciation for ME as a person, not just a dad. What a cool realization. I thought they were getting to be old enough and didn't need me anymore. They need and love ME!
2. I have some wonderfully supportive people around me. My parents have let me stay in the spare room in their condo for the first 4 days and now I am at their beach house (the kids and I are on vacation this week) in RI. Being down here is SO peaceful and comforting; I am really looking forward to staying here the next 10 days. I may end up staying the rest of the 5 weeks here (something nice to do for myself). While I was staying in the same condo as my parents, they were kind, loving and supportive. I have not had much of a relationship with them (I had a rough childhood). My sister in law, and a couple of my wife's friends have also been supportive by talking to me and trying tell me that this will pass, I am a great guy, and this can be a new beginning.
3. Many of my fears of my marriage ending was the fear of the unknown. I thought I would be all alone and have nothing! But I have learned that everything I need is right here inside ME!!! That is huge. I have found strength and feel liberated. I am strong enough to survive even this, and I can be happy too.
4. I don't NEED my wife. I love her, I care about her, but I don't respect her values. I deserve a women who will appreciate the love I give her, and love me in return!
My wife is giving up quite a lot to have her independence. She has a few very very nice friends, but she does not talk to her family, and now no longer has any support from my family. My sister in law loves her dearly, but told her that her loyalties have to be with supporting me, and their friendship would inevitably have to end.

So this horrible and terrifying event turned out to be a tremendous learning and growth experience for me.
I fell empowered and strong. I feel loved and supported. I feel that I can be happy and peaceful inside no matter what!!
So no more treating my wife like a queen. It is time to take care of myself and enjoy my kids. It is time for a new beginning!

My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.......

Hi taipan,

It is great that you seem to be coping well so soon after leaving the family home. But expect this whole process to be a series of ups and downs for you, known as the rollercoaster ride here.

Read all you can on this site, particularly on the home page. There you will find links to articles to help you understand what has happened, and also give you some good strategies to use in order to attempt recovery of your marriage.

You will find great support from the wonderful people at this site, without whom I do not know how I could have made this journey....all you have to do is ask.

Love and light,

Jacky

You seem to have learned alot in a short time.
Don't discount the feelings that you NEED to feel. The stages of grief (of a death or divorce) are below:
Denial
Anger/Blame
Bargaining
Depression
Recovery

While you may understand more, you still need to move through the steps to become an emotionally whole person again. And these steps are a roller coaster, you will find yourself moving between the stages and backtracking at times. It's all OK, and let your feelings out. It's OK to cry. Either you feel the feelings now, or you do it later in life - after you've repeated your mistakes. Do your recovery work now.

Also, focus on the children and letting them know they are loved, without bad mouthing your spouse. There are many books on helping children through divorce/separation. Begin reading them now. Good Luck.