Hi - I have "all the books" on this and pretty much know the consensus, but, I have some concerns about our oldest and this could be an option. But I hate to suggest it. Has this idea ever worked for anyone on this forum?

The oldest has anger management and weight control problems, and recently a fascination with medieval weapons. This last comes from OM, so it's hard for me to deal with it effectively. But we are getting notes and phone calls about it from the school now. He tells me that he gets into confrontations with teenage boys over at Mom's house, where he is brandishing home-made weapons at them and "running them off". I hope to God these older boys are just sort of hanging back and laughing at him. Or perhaps that he is making it up, but I don't think so, his younger brother seems to verify it. His grades are still excellent. Right now, he never gets a break from his younger siblings, and this would be one of the benefits from changing the custody schedule.

Right now we have a two-week rotation, based on a suggestion from this forum (LH, I think):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;">Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
=== === === === === === ===
Mom Dad Mom Mom Dad Dad Mom (start at 8)
Mom Mom Dad Dad Mom Mom Mom[/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am pondering this change for the oldest:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;">Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
=== === === === === === ===
Mom Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Mom (start at 8)
Mom Dad Dad Dad Mom Mom Mom[/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be stipulated no impact financially, so stbx would get the same amount of money. Unless things got worse, I would not file a motion to force the issue, but I'm considering a suggestion to my stbx about it.

Truly, I believe the oldest is better off with me. Stbx might just go along with it. The two youngest behave extremely well, but maybe this change would affect them adversely. Of course, the oldest one's temper tantrums are affecting them now. What to do, what to do?

The problem may not be that the kids are together too much, but rather that they are together too little. When my oldest were about 9 and 11, they didn't get along well at all. Then I homeschooled them, and their relationship changed drastically. Now that they are adults, even though they drive each other nuts sometimes, and have very different personalities, they are still friends. My sister frequently comments on how nice it is that my kids actually like each other.

The only thing worse than losing one of your parents is losing your siblings on top of it. My H left shortly after our oldest went to college. The next year our second oldest left for college. I think our younger kids almost had a harder time dealing with their siblings moving out than with their father moving out. Even now I have seen them literally jump up and down with joy when they hear their sister is coming home.

On the other hand, their father does not allow the four youngest to visit him simultaneously, because they "disturb the atmosphere" in the OW's home. Gee, I can't imagine why bringing 4 extra kids into a strange household that already had 3 kids could possibly cause any disruption - I don't know what the heck he expected - he should have been grateful for anything less than utter chaos.

I think that the most important thing for your kids is to remain together. Their is nothing more important than family - it is far more than just the sum of its parts.

I think there comes a time in a young man's life, say, oh about the age of yours, when he absolutely needs the guidance of his father-if the father has any sense or morals which you apparently do. I think that the impact on the younger son will be minimal and he may actually be very grateful for the peace while brother is gone.

When I first separated, my kids were scattered. The oldest lived on his own, the youngest went with his dad and my daughter stayed with me. None of my children suffered for it because they were allowed to spend as much time together as they wanted.

I think the things Nellie reports are normal reactions to 'losing' a brother or sister. Kids are much closer to their sibs than their parents, imho. They would have acted the same, even if Dad had stayed, imo.

I think you should try this to see if it makes a positive impact on your son.

Thanks for the replies. There are points on both sides, that's the trouble.

This way, the oldest would be apart from the younger two, for three nights every two weeks. Maybe I should raise this option with the kids first, and see what they think?

- Tom