I am amazed at the absence of pain in my life right now. I seem to have made a huge step away from the emotional hold my WS has had on me. I thought I could never live without him and that the loneliness was going to "eat" me alive. I do not long for him anymore.....I do not have an overwhelming desire to see him.....If I see him, it does not make me feel anything special. I can shake off pretty quickly anything negative that he may throw my way. He called last Thurs with a pile of problems and few beers under his belt and I struggled for a few minutes wanting to help and fix things but it all went away. After the phone call, I was pondering telling him the next day not to call while he was drinking but then I realized it was good for me to ocassionally see what I was "missing".

I am still having some of the same feelings I have had throughout the death of our M but they are minimal and decreasing in severity. They are almost unnoticeable or fleeting.

So I know I CAN live by myself. I know I can be happy with a new life. I know that I can find my way......The biggest thing that I find to be so emotionally freeing is that I never knew what life can be like without living with an alcoholic. No more anxious anticipation, hidden agendas, emotional heaviness, fighting depression, feeling like I don't belong anywhere and waiting, waiting, waiting for the drinker to spend some time with me.

God has answered all my prayers so specifically to this point. The PAIN was soooooo unbearable that I thought there was no way to ever get out from under it BUT there is ways. Ps 11:3 tells how I felt...."When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?" If you want to do right, how can ya survive? I was so confused about doing right. I wondered why I wanted to do what was right cause it never seemed like the right things won out. It all depends on what is right.......It is right for me to live the way I am living today.

Jesus said, "Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted"

I know there are things yet to be dealt with and I know that I can relapse again next week but this consistent feeling of well-being is something I will enjoy while I can.
TW

tossed,

It is such a good feeling, to be free!!! It just takes a while to get there and each of us are on different time tables.

Friday would have been our 22 nd Anniversary, was it a sad day for me? I didn't let it be!!! I am moving on!!! There are times when I miss my marriage and the companionship that came with that, but not my husband. In many ways I feel sorry for him that he is not getting the opportunity to grow as a person that I am. He went from one marriage to the next, without changing his underwear!!!!

Glad to hear you are doing ok!!!
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tossed and Daybreak,

You've both helped me to keep my positive attitude this morning, with your "good news" posts. Thanks!!

TW, I'm so happy for you, I know how very difficult it has been for you. You too, daybreak. It's been a long road. It's great to start feeling good again, like a normal person. Once in a while, I even wake up and not think of my husband first thing. That's a good sign. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm off to look up info on schools and being an "older" student! Have a good day and many more!

Daybreak----I understand the anniversary thing. So glad that you did not let it steamroll you. I was only on my own for 2 months when our 34th anniv came and I "felt" it coming. It was a hard week beforehand but it has passed and so is the marriage. It is so sad though that a marriage can last 34 years then crumble but letting go is the most important objective I have now.

I love that statement "without changing his underwear"....that is profound....think about it.

Broken, school is a great pursuit. It will help you feel a sense of accomplishment and great for your self-worth. Each time you ace a test or get a good mark on a course, you will know that you are capable of more than you ever thought possible.

I like this normal stuff-----it has been so long!

Thanks for being happy for me and wishing you both a peace and serenity for the road ahead.

TW

TW, I love your post because I remember you as another person with an alcoholic WS and I'm so happy that you're doing so well. I, too, am reaching the point where I can actually feel grateful for the growth I've experienced in this process.

I was absolutely devastated when my H moved out and never thought I'd be happy without him. He'd started drinking and using drugs again after many years of sobriety during which we'd started a business, taken in his niece and nephew because of their parents' substance abuse, I'd gone through treatment for breast cancer, and we'd built our "dream home." I'd been waiting for the time we could finally relax and enjoy what we'd created, but that never happenned. In some ways, the mourning for the loss of my unfulfilled dreams was the worst part of the loss of my marriage.

And I, too, am coming to enjoy the peace and serenity! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The biggest thing that I find to be so emotionally freeing is that I never knew what life can be like without living with an alcoholic. No more anxious anticipation, hidden agendas, emotional heaviness, fighting depression, feeling like I don't belong anywhere and waiting, waiting, waiting for the drinker to spend some time with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second that!

I too still have my ups and downs, but the ups are getting longer and the downs are getting shorter.

I'm still not divorced and Thursday is our 11th anniversary (we would've been together 21 years). I haven't seen him in almost a year, though I continue to support him (and OW). I have to meet with him with our lawyers at the end of the month. I'm not sure what it will be like to see him. I'm sure his condition (which has got to be pretty bad by now) will cause me some pain, but, like you said, it may be good to see what I'm missing!

Dawn, my H did the same, not even stopping to change his underwear between women - and in his case, I mean that literally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ! He is still stuck in anger, blame, and resentment. Meanwhile, I was catapulted out of my comfort zone and, as a result, I finally truly feel grateful for this experience, despite the pain.

broken, good luck with school. My mom went back to school in her late 50's, went to seminary, and became an Episcopal priest!

Letstry----I know you can relate cause we have some similiarities....alcoholism, dream house, moving on alone etc. What is it like for you to live without an alcoholic in your home and life daily?

I will never forget what you said about the comparison between having breast cancer and having to experience infidelity.....the infidelity being the worst. I think about that alot. I think it comforts me for some strange reason. I guess it helps me see that I can handle just about anything now after surviving the pain of infidelity.

Why are you supporting WS/OW? is it something to do with your business? Hope the support ends soon.

TW

bumoed up for LetStry

TW, Sorry, I was off line for 3 days with computer glitches...

What you said reminds me of a story about breast cancer vs. infidelity (maybe I wrote this already, but in case I didn't, here goes):

A woman who works for me was married for 20 years when her H attended his HS reunion and then announced he was leaving her for his HS sweetheart. This was about the time I was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer and faced with mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. I heard from a mutual friend that this employee/friend had said that she'd rather have cancer than have her H leave her for another woman. At the time, I was offended by her comment, since I felt like my life was on the line and that my situation was far worse than her H leaving.

Fast forward about 3 years, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer and I was faced with my H's infidelity, as well as his return to alcohol and drugs. I approached this friend, knowing she could understand what I was going through and she "confessed" what she'd said to our mutual friend. I told her I already knew and that now I understood what she meant. Both were frightening, painful experiences, but cancer doesn't threaten your very sense of yourself the way the betrayal of your marriage does.

I'm reading a really good book (I'll know I'm really better when I stop reading self-help books and return to novels <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) called SPIRITUAL DIVORCE, by Debbie Ford. In the foreword, by Neale Donald Walsh (who wrote the Conversations With God books) he wrote something that really hit home for me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is the self, of course, that we imagine we have lost in a divorce. It is never the other person. It is never our partner. Not really. What we imagine that we have lost is our very self. Every idea about our self is trampled on. That we are loving and that we are lovable. That we are nice to be with, and someone whom no one would ever want to leave. That we make good choices and are wonderful judges of people. That we can trust our heart. And that our love, given to the fullest, will always win the day. It is us that we lose in a divorce, and that is why it hurts so much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The happy ending to the story is that both of our cancers are in remission and I just received a wedding invitation for her wedding at the end of May.

Now for the answers to your questions...

Today would've been our 11th wedding anniversary (21 years together) so I decided to reread my journal from one year ago when my H, who'd been living with the OW for 1.5 years, took me out to dinner, told me he loved me, was leaving the OW, getting sober, and coming back home... Of course, nothing really changed and I continued to believe him for almost another month until I completely ended contact.

I could read the pain in my words and it suddenly struck me that a lot of the pain - the shame, the guilt, the confusion - really didn't belong to me. I feel none of that now and haven't since I ended contact - sadness, grief, fear, yes - but I realized today that it's HIS guilt and shame and it's HIS lies that caused the confusion.

Today in the mail I received a bill for an ambulance for him (I'd previously received an emergency room bill). He was supposed to have a court appearance, but when I called the court - since I'm supposed to be a witness - they wanted to know which case it was since he now has FOUR cases <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , and told me they were all set for hearing May 1st. His life is spiralling down while mine is spiralling up. I'm no longer living in that chaos and it's such a relief.

As for your second question about sending him money, I did it to keep him quiet and most of it should be going toward his share of our eventual settlement. It sounds like I'll get the business and the three properties it occupies and he'll get the "dream house" and large piece of property on which it resides. I'm sad about that, but I know I need to move on.

I'm so grateful for the growth I've experienced through this experience. I grew emotionally and spiritually from breast cancer, but even more so from this. I'm grateful for the support I receive here on MB as well as in Al-Anon. My faith in God is much stronger today and I finally understand detachment - something BrambleRose confronted me heavily about back in my early days on GQII (in fact, her posts to me got archived in the BEST OF MB...).

LetStry, I feel like the A was an open door for me for a new life. God knew my H would not ever change so OW was my "door".....before I realized this, I prayed constantly that God would show me if the A was a catalyst for change for us or an open door to leave the M. (I had no grounds for divorce so I would neve have chosen that road) It was proven to me clearly that A was my open door.

I am so tempted to write OW and tell her that I am so thankful that she has been "used" in my life to make it better. Maybe I will have the opportunity some day....if it has a purpose.

That quote from the book you are reading is a real thinker. Thanks.

Glad that you are not spiralling down with H....you had an open door too.

TW