6yrs ago I met a wonderful man (Mr.A) when I was single. We dated for a short time and then had to leave the city (work). I was crushed.I had known him for sometime and when I had the opportunity to get to know him, I went for it heart/soul. I really really was attracted to everything about him. We had so much fun and passionate times!<P>Mr. A was gone 1 month and I then met my husband (I'm married now, no kids, early 40s). I knew my husband for a number of years and we decided to get married after two months of spending serious time together. The week of my wedding Mr. A came back to the city and called me at work. I almost died but was so excited to hear from him. I had a hard time telling him I was getting married. I really wanted to see him so I did the night before I was married. Just to talk. He wished me well and was happy for me. I was excited about marrying my husband at the time.<P>Over time I thought of Mr. A. We would run into each other over the years as we work in the same building. I didn't feel much for Mr. A during the first year of my marriage but as time went by, I saw him more and more and then boom! I was back to caring about him again. We would just talk. He would tell me about his girlfriend at the time and I would tell him how happy I was being married. Yeah right but I kept a happy face. We did have intimate talks about feelings etc.<P>After about 2.5yrs of being married, I started to feel confused about Mr. A so I told him I could not remain his friend anymore and he also agreed. We went on for about 18mths not hearing nor seeing each other. During that time, I tried really hard to forget him. I avoided all the possible places we might run into each other. I really tried to get closer to my husband but something happened. I became empty, depressed and drifted from my wonderful husband. I cried a lot during those 18mths and never really knew why.<P>I'm at a cross-road now, I realize that I do care for Mr. A more than I'm willing to admit. I miss his friendship and him so much. I feel I've denied myself every really getting to know him. Our time was cut short not by our choice back then. I feel in my heart that our relationship was never over or closed. I got married in between.<P>I have been so unhappy in the last two years of my marriage that it has caused my husband and I to stop having sex. He drifted off and so did I. I ran into Mr. A 4mths ago and my heart almost stopped. I realzied right there - him and I were in trouble. We talked and I cried and told him how much I had missed him over the years and he told me how he really felt about me. Oopss we said the 'love' word! Now, I'm in a marriage that is void of anything but still love my husband and "in-love" with Mr. A too. <P>Mr. A wants me in his life. My husband is willing to work things out. We've been to counselling but I can't let Mr. A go nor do I want to. <P>Im still have feelings of love for my husband but miss and feel "in-love" with Mr. A. Looking back over the years, Mr. A. was always in my heart and thoughts. My husband has since moved out of our home to give me space to think. I've told Mr. A. that I need time to think (no contact). I don't know what to do!! How could this have happened. I care about them both. I love my husband but don't think I ever was 'in-love' with him. Not the same way I've felt with Mr. A. My feelings are so much deeper and passionate for Mr. A then they are for my husband or ever were for my husband. <P>I'm scared and confused. My husband and Mr. A both want me to be happy and I'm trying to find the answers within myself not through them. My husband doesn't know about Mr. A. I just don't know who I want to share my life more with? <BR>Any ideas??

Journee,<P>I had a similar experience. All I can share is that no two loves are the same. I too had a passionate, exciting almost lustful relationship with a women prior to meeting my wife. We ended up parting ways and when I got married she came to the wedding. I went to her wedding also a year later with my wife (who was 9 months pregnant at the time) We've been married 17 years and I haven't seen or talked to my first love since her wedding day. I still burn a candle way down in my heart for her and I guess I always will. However, my wife gets all my focus and all my love.<P>You need to explain everything to your husband. Your little secret is driving a wedge in your relationship. I suspect that he will behave differently when he realizes the reasons for some of your recent feelings.<P>You can't have Mr. A without giving up your marriage and I'll go so far as to bet that any relationship with Mr. A will never be the same as it was once. Your best bet is to keep your distance from Mr. A, keep the fond memories with a grin and concentrate on your marital relationship. Love changes through the years and often times for the better.<P>Good luck! I'm not qualified to give advice but I hope sharing my experience helps.

I am only 31, but I certainly know what you are going through. I fell in love with a coworker and I feel so confused right now. I could have left my husband, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I love my husband, but I am so very much in love with this other person. We are not working together now. I am having all kinds of "withdrawals" from this because I decided my husband deserved a another chance for us to make things work...we had been having problems for the last two years because he never seemed to be there for my or the kids. I can't give you advice, but I sure wish you the best. I wanted to write to let you know that you're not alone.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Journee:<BR><B>6yrs ago I met a wonderful man (Mr.A) when I was single. We dated for a short time and then had to leave the city (work). I was crushed.I had known him for sometime and when I had the opportunity to get to know him, I went for it heart/soul. I really really was attracted to everything about him. We had so much fun and passionate times!<P>Mr. A was gone 1 month and I then met my husband (I'm married now, no kids, early 40s). I knew my husband for a number of years and we decided to get married after two months of spending serious time together. The week of my wedding Mr. A came back to the city and called me at work. I almost died but was so excited to hear from him. I had a hard time telling him I was getting married. I really wanted to see him so I did the night before I was married. Just to talk. He wished me well and was happy for me. I was excited about marrying my husband at the time.<P>Over time I thought of Mr. A. We would run into each other over the years as we work in the same building. I didn't feel much for Mr. A during the first year of my marriage but as time went by, I saw him more and more and then boom! I was back to caring about him again. We would just talk. He would tell me about his girlfriend at the time and I would tell him how happy I was being married. Yeah right but I kept a happy face. We did have intimate talks about feelings etc.<P>After about 2.5yrs of being married, I started to feel confused about Mr. A so I told him I could not remain his friend anymore and he also agreed. We went on for about 18mths not hearing nor seeing each other. During that time, I tried really hard to forget him. I avoided all the possible places we might run into each other. I really tried to get closer to my husband but something happened. I became empty, depressed and drifted from my wonderful husband. I cried a lot during those 18mths and never really knew why.<P>I'm at a cross-road now, I realize that I do care for Mr. A more than I'm willing to admit. I miss his friendship and him so much. I feel I've denied myself every really getting to know him. Our time was cut short not by our choice back then. I feel in my heart that our relationship was never over or closed. I got married in between.<P>I have been so unhappy in the last two years of my marriage that it has caused my husband and I to stop having sex. He drifted off and so did I. I ran into Mr. A 4mths ago and my heart almost stopped. I realzied right there - him and I were in trouble. We talked and I cried and told him how much I had missed him over the years and he told me how he really felt about me. Oopss we said the 'love' word! Now, I'm in a marriage that is void of anything but still love my husband and "in-love" with Mr. A too. <P>Mr. A wants me in his life. My husband is willing to work things out. We've been to counselling but I can't let Mr. A go nor do I want to. <P>Im still have feelings of love for my husband but miss and feel "in-love" with Mr. A. Looking back over the years, Mr. A. was always in my heart and thoughts. My husband has since moved out of our home to give me space to think. I've told Mr. A. that I need time to think (no contact). I don't know what to do!! How could this have happened. I care about them both. I love my husband but don't think I ever was 'in-love' with him. Not the same way I've felt with Mr. A. My feelings are so much deeper and passionate for Mr. A then they are for my husband or ever were for my husband. <P>I'm scared and confused. My husband and Mr. A both want me to be happy and I'm trying to find the answers within myself not through them. My husband doesn't know about Mr. A. I just don't know who I want to share my life more with? <BR>Any ideas?? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Journee,<P>You have made several mistakes as you know. But the biggest is that you NEVER gave your H a chance. You never gave him what you gave MR. A. You have talked with Mr. A for years telling him how you felt, what you thought, what motivated you. You never did that with your H.<P>You have committed a hugh error by never letting your H into your heart, you reserved that for Mr. A from day one. That is why you are "in-love" with Mr. A and not your H.<P>Now this is the bad news, but it is also the good news. <BR>You can make your marriage work, but you have to give your H at least a shot at it. You say, but what about Mr. A??? It is his problem, you are the one that committed to a man who obviously loved you and has been used by you.<P>Please go to the "Just Found Out" section of this site and read the general welcome by either NSR or Onegoing. Within that welcome there are bookmarked many articles that will help you. <P>I do truely hope that you give your H a chance, by telling him of your affair (and it is an affair), Mr. A has been operating with a hugh advantage over your H. Don't you think it is time that you gave your H a break? I do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I just want to say that I agree with Brent. Let the past of a relationship be the past, and live your marital life now. The feelings for MR. A only surfaced because he came around. I know for sure that if Mr. A was never around, you wouldn't even think twice or anything about it. So just forget about him or of that past and move on with your husband. You don't really know what you have until you lose it. So don't let that happen to you.

Have had a similar situation as yours...but much longer times. I met Dan and I fell in love with, he moved from the state because of work; I mourned, 3 years later I married my husband knowing that my emotions were not as intense for him as for Dan, but committed to loving him forever. Dan moved back about 3 years into my marriage, and we talked, but I was commited to working thru problems that were going on. Dan and I have always connected in conversation and emotionally -- a highly dangerous state. He would call even when he was having problems with other women he was dating, like I was his sister -- I would not let it go any other way. My marriage continued to disintegrate, and about 4 years ago (10 years now into my marriage) Dan and I moved into a more intimate relationship. The passion, emotions, fulfillment I felt was incredible. I love him deeply, and know I always will. <P>I can tell you this from a perspective of really living and looking at it. Having spent time with Dan, I know he will always have a part of my heart -- but he has his own issues/interests/life that I NOW KNOW I would not be willing to live with him a committed/exclusive relationship. I have literally loved this man for 18 years...only to realize that we filled some incredible needs for one another...it was always the 'honey-moon' stage with him. We never argued, we cried together, laughed, talked, loved...but we never LIVED with one another. <P>Now that I am in the middle of a divorce, and will be 'available' I know that I will not chose to be with Dan. I waited for 17 years to hear Dan tell me he loved only me, and that he would commit to me for the rest of his life. Dan thinks that I am the most wonderful, and the love of his life, that we should put it together someway, one day. Our life needs are so very different. I see the disaster, the writing on the wall. He is ranch/horses/introverted/hates travel. I am people/outgoing/much travel.<P>So, if you still love your husband, I wish you could see that Mr. A has pros/cons as well. Once you know them well, you may not chose him either! It is true, we always want what we cannot have. We imagine it will be better with the other person. I will never deny that I care for and love Dan -- always will. But he is not the answer, just as Mr. A will not prove to be the answer either. If you have that many feelings for your husband, identify the problems you have with him, and deal with him on those problems.<P>I know you are advised to 'come clean' with your husband about your feelings for Mr. A. Personally, I don't believe I could do that if I was commited to terminating all contact with Mr. A, and commited to making it work with husband. I'm not that brave, I don't believe my marriage did not work because of Dan, I believe it did not work because of the two of us.<P>But, don't let it go on forever...18 years is too long! Best wishes.