I posted this on the other board and I would appreciate some feedback from this board:

where to begin....3 years ago and after a few rocky years in our marriage that included a 6 month separation, my wife and I renewed our vows...The separation was due to my drug addiction and the lack of GOD in my life....However, during that 6 month separation, I gave my life to God and he worked a miracle in my wife..He changed her heart and after intensive counseling, she and I renewed our wedding vows..The past 3 years have been very happy..She and i have grown closer to each other in some ways, however, during that time, my relationship with my heavenly father became weak and eventually non existant..Well, after 3 years clean, I had a relapse..(I KNOW this relapse happened due to my Self-centeredness and by me pushing God out of my life....)...When my wife first found out about the relapse, she asked me to leave. I decided to seek treatment to make sure this never happened again...After being separated 2 days, my wife and I talked and she said that she loved me enough to help me with this problem for the rest of our lives...Of course, I was thrilled with this news! We paid a visit to our Christian counselor and I began working on my addiction. Also, we started each morning with prayer and devotion-this lasted about about 8 days. This past Saturday, my wife went thru a major "change of heart" ...she said that she didnt think that she loved me anymore and by sunday morning, she wouldnt pray with me and she was once again wanting to separate..As Sunday progressed, she made the statement that she was feeling better about us...this week, we started M-W off with prayer and devotion (however, she no longer wanted us to pray outloud together!)...When I came home wednesday, she said that our marriage was over. She stated that she loved me, that she cared for me a great deal, that she was seeking God's will, but she did not want to be married to me anymore! She also stated that she was no longer "in-love" with me because our marriage was lacking trust, respect, and intimacy.I know all of these things were lost due to my addiction! She further stated that God's will was for us to separate and she wanted me to leave..I replied back to her that God can heal us (if we seek his guidance) and that I would not leave the home because I was standing firm for this marriage! Therefore, she decided to go to her parents home...Since wed night, I have had virtually no contact with her...I am praying for her and I am praying for healing in this marriage...She and I both use the same Christian counselor and I know that she is still planning on seeing him! She made it very clear that she needed space...She also made the following statements: She said, "I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that a burden has been lifted off of me.". Personally, I believe that you always feel better when you are away from the battle! She can open up a new checking account, she can move out, and she can avoid wearing her wedding rings---eventually though, she is going to be out of things to do and she will then have to deal with this situation.
like i said, She has made it very clear that she needed time away from me. She has stated that she knows that I am trying to reconcile but she thinks that we are too far past that point. She stated that when we talk, she feels like I am being manipulative because I am trying to make her think like me and that pushes her further away from me! 2 weeks ago, my wife met with our Christian counselor and on Tuesday, I met with him. The counselor has stated that my wife appears to be "running from God" right now because she is afraid of what his will may be. He also stated that she believes I am hiding behing God and that she is the "bad guy" isn this situation. She is getting a lot of pressure from her mother (a VERY spiritual woman) to work this out! The counselor also stated that when all is said and done, he believed my wife would do the right thing but right now she states that she is just "tired"! He said that there is nothing that I can do to make the situation better but that I could make it a lot worse! He told me to keep conversation light, avoid "us" conversations, and to give her space. As the week progressed, I didnt talk to her much but when I did she was much more pleasant to me! She has told some family members that she doesnt know what she is going to do and that she just has to pray about it!The thing that gets me is that my wife and I have had a wonderful few years (after the renewal of vows). I think the relapse has just been a major blow to her trust in me (obviously). The one thing that seems to be bothering me is that my wife seems to be "running from God-according to the counselor..She has stated to her mother that she isnt ready to go to church and she isnt ready to read her bible.. She has only stated that she is praying about the situation....This bothers me but I know that this is a problem that God will have to solve...Her spirituality, I cannot control....
Anyway, nothing new has really happened..We have emailed a few times (about financial matters) but she has not taken anymore steps to separate herself further..Besides taking some clothes and opening her own bank account, she has left all of her stuff at the house with me...She has told family that she doesnt want to get anymore stuff out of the house...(Its been a month and she hast filed for divorce nor has taken anything but some clothes.) in the past few weeks, she has come over to the house about 3 or 4 times...Only one of those times she mentioned dthe marriage was over. The other times she was nice (we actually laughed together and joked with each other.) When she sees all of this work I have done on our new house, it is like it makes her mad that I am just not sitting in a house with boxes,but instead have continued to fix the home up and unpack boxes.So, she goes off on me....
Sorry this post is so long, but i thought it were important for everyone to understand all of the facts!
By the way, this relapse occured right after I got a kidney Stone (was on narcotics for stone)..I kept taking the meds for about a few weeks after I had passed the stone. During that time, we were in the process of moving into our new house. She was VERY happy during this time. We never fought, I was never out partying, I was always at home helping her..She was talking about having kids as a matter of fact..So, I am confused too! After the relapse, I have done everything humanly possible to work on the addiction. Like I said, at first she was very supportive and now-well
She has only "gone off" on me once when she has come over. She said that we needed to sell the house and I didnt need to work in it anymore. Also, she stated that she had made a decision and that she doesnt love me anymore because we lack trust and respect in our marriage! The funny things is, she will come by the house but never take anything with her. Recently, she came over to get a button for a dress. Rather than get the entire bag of buttons and leave, she looked for one button and put the bag of buttons back in her dresser.
My wife called last week and said that she wanted to talk about some things...We when we started talking, she said that she wanted me to give some serious thought about selling the house and that I need to accept the fact that she wasnt coming back and that she didnt love me anymore. Basically, all I said was that loving someone was a choice and that she loved me enough to marry me, not once-but twice! I also stated to her that I coulde not agree to her demands about selling the house until we had talked to our counselor together. I told her that I didnt think we should make such a decision without someone guiding us and then I asked her wehy she was so scared to go! She was like, "fine then, if you insist upon us talking with him first, then we can go next week, I have an appointment" Then she said it was that type selfishness that makes her not love me!I replied that what did she expect me to do, agree with her everything she is saying and whatever she asked me to do simply because she WANTED it that way! I told her that I just wanted to do the "right" thing and that I thought both of us were acting and have acted selfish! I then went on to tell her that I didnt think God was inthe center of either one of our actions! I said that if she was feeling negative thoughts about me before the relapse, then she shouldve come to me and insisted that we get help! Just like, if I were feeling tempted to use drugs, I shouldve come to her for help! I then said to her that I agree with her though that I am a selfish person. However, I realized my selfishness and I knew that I had some things to work on. I told her that since the separation, I had done things that had selfish motives and then I apologized to her. She repied that she could see that I had done some thinking about this and that was good. She then stated asked me where I was earlier tonight when she called (sounds like a good sign, huh?) and I replied that I had gone to an NA meeting. I told her that if she changes her mind about the counseling to let me know and that it was up to her if I go!!!
The biggest question I have is for those people who have made a decision to divorce..I am trying to figure out what my wife is doing right now....She tells me that she has made a decision but it is like her actions and words do not agree. We have been separated for about 5 weeks and she has not gone to a lawyer, she has not removed anything out of the house (except some clothes), She will come over to visit the dog but she never takes anything with her, she will come over and look for things (like a button or whatever) but she looks and then puts her stuff back in her dresser and leaves it, she has asked me to give her space but she will call me to talk about money,house,etc.. and then when she calls she will ask me where I have been, and we have both been going to counseling (separately) and she said that this Friday I could come with her (she said she was doing that for me)...People who have seen my wife have said that she doesnt appear happy right now and she has made the statement that she doesnt feel good about herself right now!
So, my question is this...Does this sound like someone who has made a decision about their marriage? Any advice would greatly be appreciated!!

IMHO, this does not sound like someone who is through. She is not moving on with her life...she's waiting to see what's gonna happen. I'm sure she is afraid that if she relents that you will resume your objectionable behavior. People without addictions can never understand what having one is like and are, therefore, I think, much less tolerant of addicts. In short, I think she's scared. That you will relapse again, for longer, worse.

If she were truly through, she would avoid you at all costs. She seems to be making excuses to see you...a good thing. And I think perhaps her putting forth these 'ultimatums'--'sell the house', 'the marriage is over', etc---she is testing you to see your level of commitment.

I think you should continue to do as you are...go to your meetings--your sobriety is the same as NOT commiting suicide--work on your home, be kind and patient and try to be understanding of her. Do not PUSH her into anything, including religion. These things most come of her free will.

I think you are doing lots of right things. Just keep it up. I think she needs reassurance (in actions, not words) of your love and dedication to this marriage and its success.

brokenben,

Usually I do not just tell people what to do, but in this instance I will. You need to run out RIGHT NOW (do not delay--no excuses) and get the book "Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late" by Gary Smalley. As you may know, he is a christian marriage counselor and trust me when I say, he KNOWS what he is talking about. This book is WRITTEN for you.

However, as the soon-to-be-ex-wife of someone who has an addiction and has betrayed me one time too often, let me share something with you straight from the heart. Now is not the time to preach at her about "doing God's will" or "doing what is right", because your wife is in enormous pain caused directly by your addiction. If she has any kind of relationship with God, I trust Him (and her) to do what is right for her, so stop preaching to her about that--it will only drive her further away. Instead, the biggest thing you can do right now (and it is HUGE) is to understand her pain and how deeply she feels betrayed, disrespected, and hurt by your addiction. Focus on THAT. Show her and communicate to her that you understand how deep her pain is, and keep it all on YOU...do not try to do the "well, we both fell..." because SHE DIDN'T. (Okay, I know she's not perfect, so don't get me wrong...it's just that YOU relapsed and she was trusting you and you betrayed her yet again--it wasn't her).

Is this making any sense to you?? This is not the time to be telling her what she is doing wrong or not obeying God or not doing God's will or whatever. In her mind, she was a good and faithful wife to you, took you back after your addiction, and you broke the promise to her that you would never, ever slip again and she would never, ever have to live through that again. Keep your focus on yourself, your recovery, your issues, and what you did wrong--make amends--and let God do the rest working in her. She sounds mostly sad and hurt, and I'll bet you big bucks what she's thinking is, "I CAN NOT go through this again!! I will not survive!! God can not possibly want me to be this hurt, so I will save myself while I can."

Okay?? Now run out!! Buy that book!! Are you still reading???

CJ

Faithful wife, thanks so much for your insight and advice...I can not imagine how badly I have hurt my wife...The thing is, our marriage (before the relapse) was awesome! We NEVER argued and had lots of fun together!! We had just bought a new home and were about to try and start a family...I screwed up and I admit it! It has been her reaction that has puzzled me...At first, like I said, she was VERY VERY supportive and said that she loved me enought to help me and now she is at the other extreme!!!! Does she sound like she has made up her mind to you? We are both going to counseling this Friday, I guess that is a good sign? Faithful wife or anyone-comments??

Well, I took your advice Faithful wife and I bought the book you suggested...And i will agree with you, it was written for me!! Thank you for the suggestion!
I havent talked to my wife lately butI have received a few emails from family and friends who have talked with her. It seems to them that this separation is not completely due to the relapse but instead to my wife's unhappiness with were she in her life right now...She seems to have lost her identity and she isnt happy with her career choice either...Since we renewed our vows, she has seriously pursed 4 or 5 different careers..However, she has always stayed with her current career. I have supported her completely with each of those different career ideas...If this is as big an issue in our separation, I do not know much of what I can do! EXcept love her and support her from a distance! I guess we will learn more Friday when we go to counseling together!

Well, tomorrow is the BIG day.....As I have mentioned in other posts, we are attending Christian counseling together tomorrow..I must admit, I am SCARED...I feel like she will try to come in and display a lot of pride and stubborness...But then again, anything could happen....This isnt a very in-depth post, I am seeking encouragement and prayers! Hopefully, the fact we are going together, should be encouraging-I guess!

brokenben,

Hey, I am THRILLED to see that you ran out and bought that book. It is an AWESOME book, isn't it? And trust me, as a stbxW of a H with an addiction (sexual addiction), if my H were to read that book and really dwell on it and understand, and then follow that up by DOING the things in that book, it would win me back!

So Friday is the big day, right? I want you to do me a favor. I have reread your first post, and it sounds to me as if you had your relapse, she was supportive at first for a while, and then after some time had gone by something happened and she was suddenly convinced that she didn't want to be married. She was pretty firm in her decision, but not "set in stone"--just pretty firm. Then she said some things like "I'm not in love with you and I never was" and "I don't love you like a wife should" and "I don't trust you anymore" and "I think God wants us to divorce". Right??

Well, I'm going to be blunt with you and it's going to hurt, so sit down. I think you should prepare yourself to hear that your wife is having at least an emotional affair with another man. There are basically two reasons I say this may be a possibility: First, some of the things she is saying sound very much like the kinds of things a wayward spouse would say--it's called the fog--and second, she is kind of going back and forth between wanting to work on the marriage and then giving up. This is a typical sign that there's an internal struggle going on.

Let me give you an example: she may have met someone at work that she has a little crush on--and he has paid her some attention. They sat and had lunch together in the cafeteria and upon talking, they had SO MUCH to share (both of their spouses hurt them, both of them are lonely, etc.). Pretty soon, she has even stronger feelings for him, and she likes how he makes her feel pretty and interesting, so she doesn't WANT to do the right thing. Thus, she stops praying and reading the bible, because of course God would tell her to stop seeing the guy at work and work on the marriage!! Then, she has her own conscience and God does whisper in her ear, so she knows that what she's doing is wrong, and one day she'll lean toward, "Oh, man! I can't do this! I can't cheat!" and the other day she'll lean toward, "I can't stay with a husband who's an addict! It will harm ME! I need some trust in my life."

So she how she would go back and forth?? See why she would stop praying and reading her bible?? See how she is under attack from the devil to justify why it is "right" for her to leave her addicted husband behind and go to the other man??

brokenben, I know this is like an arrow directly to your heart. I know that you hate to even THINK like this, much less think it might be true. But your job here is not to judge her or freak out or go biblical on her a$$--your job here is to understand why she might be feeling panic over the relapse, understand how another man might have gotten a foothold, and do the things you need to do to SHOW her that she is safe and loved WITH YOU. That is your duty as a husband!!! DUTY. So pray about what I've said, prepare your heart to hear some pretty painful stuff, and IF YOU DO, ask God to show you how to respond to her out of love and understanding--and not hurt and pain.

What a high calling! As husbands and wives, God expects a LOT out of us. The bar has been set pretty high. But brokenben, you know that God does not give us a burden bigger than we can endure. You can do this.

Your true and faithful friend,

CJ

P.S. BTW, I think it's silly for two believers to say "God wants us to divorce." I don't think God ever "wants" us to divorce, but I think He allows us to divorce when the addicted partner refuses to recover or wants to leave.

1 Corinthians 7:12-15
"But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; ... Yet, if the unbelieving leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. "

Peace is "serenity" brokenben.

Thanks again for responding Faithful wife...Well, i have to admit that I would be lying if I were to say that I had never thought about the things that you had suggested...I have....But, she isnt staying at work late and she isnt hanging around anyone after work-as far i know...From what her mother has told me, she just comes home from work, takes a walk, and stays in her room til morning! However, I am trying to prepare myself for whatever she may say or for whatever may happen...at this point, i believe that the whole situation has swung to so many different extremes, that I do not know what to expect! I do think that the fact she said that I could go with her to HER appointment is a good sign...Don't you? It doesnt sound like a closed case! At least I hope not..One more thing, I agree with you wholeheartedly...For 2 BELIEVERs to say it is God's Will for us to get a divorce is ridiculous....That's what bothers me the most, how can a Christian not have hope? Doesnt make sense to me! But, that is between her and God
PS_ By the way, I LOVE THE BOOK-THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION!!

Well, we both went to counseling and I must say I am MORE confused than ever!!! My wife met with the counselor by herself for about 15 mins and then we both met with him! Some of my wife's responses were extremely confusing.. Check these out: She believed that it was God's will for us to renew our vows after our first separation..However, she now believes it is God's will for us to get a divorce! She told the counselor that she hasnt been happy for along time and the counselor said, "Wow, you sure fooled me because you seemed VERY happy the past 2 years (up until the relapse)..I told the counselor that I believed my wife has always been honest with her feelings and that I believe that she IS feeling these things now...The counselor agreed and asked her if she was always honest with her feelings, then how do we not know that her first reaction to the relapse was not how she really felt and that now she is acting on emotion...My wife could not answer..As a matter of fact she could not answer most of the questions that were asked of her! The counselor at one point asked me if I wanted to be married to someone whose comittment to the marriage changed daily? I responded that I was beginning to wonder myself...My wife then said tom me that the questions that I was asking her were valid but she could not give me any answers...And then the clincher statement...She said that divorce was inevitable and thenm relapse just sped things up!!! Can u believe she said that? My reply back was, if you have been thinking about divorce for such a long time, why did YOU insist on buying a new house, merging our checking account, planning a famiy (thus the house), buying me a new car in her name, etc....Do these actions coincide with someone who was thinking of ending a marriage??? Her response was, I dont know why I did those things! The counselor asked her what her rush was with the divorce and she said that when she makes a decision she likes to act on it! Then she said that she would wait on selling the house until I was ready to discuss it. the counselor then asked if I should expect legal papers anytime soon and she said, "maybe"! See my confusion here! The counselor told her that if it(divorce) is the right decision today, wouldnt it still be the right decision in 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6months? Also, what gets me is that I believe if you should take your time making a decision of this magnitude and you should also be able to give answers for your decision....She cant, she just says, I dont know! She did say that she does not think God has released her from her marriage vows-I guess that is a glimmer of hope...But then again, she also says that God wants her to get a divorce!When she left, the counselor stated to me that "this doesnt make sense" and that it is like she is saying 2 + 2 = 5 and we should just accept it! I am glad that I am not the only one feeling confusion! PLEASE PLEASE HELP! I need some insight here!!!!BB

Anyone got any thoughts on the counseling session that I had Friday?

Yes, she is confused, and that is NORMAL!!!! just because you are something, doesn't mean she is something.

I suspect that you just need to be patient, understanding, and she will eventually make a decision. Her feelings right now point to a defensive stance, and divorce is a natural position.

However, now you are seeing the results of your behavior, and you need to realize that if you want someone close ot you, you need to be worthy of that, and not just once or twice, but everyday of every year of every decade.

wiftty

I don't think there's much to see or say about it, brokenben, except that your wife is obviously extremely conflicted.

People have a remarkable capacity to rewrite history when they experience "dissonance", and that's clearly what's going on here with your wife. "Dissonance" is what happens when one's behavior conflicts with one's beliefs. The only way to resolve the internal conflict is to change either one's behavior or one's beliefs. So, brokenben, if your wife has already decided on her path (her behavior), her belief system is going to fragment. Moral values, memory, and rationality are all at risk. Apparently, this is already happening.

When my wife left me, she progressed rapidly from saying that we would always be friends to saying that I had been untrustworthy and abusive throughout our marriage. Her accusations against me because increasingly monstrous and increasingly fanciful, while the examples she used to substantiate her claims progressed from grotesque distortions and logical absurdity to the point where she didn't even bother with any kind of evidence. What she felt took on a far greater reality for her than any mere facts.

I'm afraid I have no solution.

brokenben,

At this point, I suspect that what I'm going to say is not what you want to hear...but I'm going to say it anyway because it is the truth.

First, it takes two to get married and have a marriage and relationship, but it only takes one to END the marriage and relationship. Who can say why, but sometimes one of the two people in a marriage just decide to quit, and there is just NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO to convince them otherwise. In your instance, I think it is conceivable that your wife was really shaken by the relapse but tried to keep "acting" like she was okay.

Second, like GDP said, it is clear that something is going on inside her. In simple terms, thereis a conflict between how she is acting and what she considers to be "right and wrong"--and something HAS to give! When ANY person is bound and determined to do something that they also simultaneously think is wrong, they go through a strange upheaval inside themself.

One of the first things that does happen is "rewriting history"--which is demonstrated by statements like "I never really loved you" or "We were never really what a husband and wife should be" or "You have always been hurting me". You and I can see that these statements just are not true...at some point you two DID love each other, and you two WERE a truly joined husband and wife, and there WERE times when you were both happy and loving to each other. However, the person undergoing the upheaval has to come up with some justification for why they are doing what they clearly know is wrong!! They have to, or else they will harm themself!!

Another sign of that kind of upheaval is that they will RUSH into decisions when it would clearly be wiser to go slowly and consider each step. They will want the "quicky divorce" in Mexico. They will move out without ever having said one word. They don't think and consider--they move!

Another sign of the inner struggle between doing something they are determined to do even though they believe it is "wrong" is the start of horrendous, primarily fictional blame. "Oh, he was abusive to me" or "He stalked me" "He was an ogre" "He never let me have friends" "He was controlling and manipulative" "I was afraid"--you get the drift. Any somewhat reasonable excuse to justify to themselves why they are doing what they clearly know to be "wrong"!!

Now, don't get me wrong here, brokenben. I believe there are some wives who truly are abused and controlled and manipulated and endure horrendous treatment--I'm one of them!--but I can "back up" my statements with facts, dates, times, and incidents. It is not just all in my mind and it is not just my "feelings." My property was destroyed in rage, and my books were burned and that is just FACT. Sooo...do a little soul-searching here. Do not just automatically dismiss these kinds of statements. At least do some due diligence and ask yourself "Have I been abusive? How might a lady define abuse and would my behavior have scared the average woman?" Be honest with yourself here. BUT...when your wife starts to use excuses that just are not backed up by facts and dates and times and the broken "thing" right in front of you--it's also okay to realize that what she's doing is making up her excuse why she is doing what she knows deep down in her soul is wrong.

Right now your wife can't answer those questions because her actions and her beliefs are not in harmony. She believes marriage is for life, but every moment she is making the choice to choose against what she believes. Soooo...she feels confused! DUH!

Time is on your side, I believe. My guess would be that you may be able to reach an agreement with the christian counselor's help: that you will allow her the time she needs to resolve whatever is going on inside her if she will remain faithful to the marriage and not file legal papers. You agree to work on yourself, your addiction, and your relationship with God if she will do the same...and if she needs to be apart from you "for a time" then you can wait.

After all, brokenben, a lifetime commitment to another person is a lifetime together...50 or 60 years sometimes! What will one or two years mean in a 50 or 60 year relationship??

CJ

Wow, thanks for the GREAT insight and advice...I went to the counselor today and he made the exact same statement that my wife was not confused but instead, she was "conflicted". (I had to pay him too--LOL!) He said that her actions and beliefs arent in harmony and that their was a struggle going on inside her!
He also said that he has NEVER seen my wife act like that! He said she wasnt at all like herself..He said that it was very unlike her to stumble thru answers of this magnitude. He said that her decision to divorce "felt right" and then she hinted to him that she was going to do what she wanted and deal with God later...He said the first time she came to him after the separation (about 3 weeks ago) she admitted that she hadnt prayed about the marriage because she knew what God would tell her to do! Now, he's confused because she says God is telling her to divorce. He went on to state the she sort "shot herself in the foot" when she said that the "divorce was inevitable and the relapse just sped things up" comment. He said that by saying that to me shat she was basically betraying me and deceiving me for a LONG period of time! I asked him about an affair, and he made the comment that an affair would defintely be the "missing piece"..However it would greatly surprise him. However, he went on to say that he believes that she is either having an affair with the "thought of the grass being greener with someone else" or with "someone else"....I bvelieve it is the first, but you never know! I know for A FACT she was happy in Janurary because I found something she had written stating how "good marriage was and "how proud of us she was"..See, does that make sense! The counselor went onto state that it is like she having a bad case of "buyer's remorse"..He used a car as an example-at one time the car was perfect and you loved it dearly! But after some time passes, you feel like you outgrow the car and even though their are some "repairable" things on the car, you do NOT want to make payments on it anymore nor do you wanna have it worked on-instead, you just wanna leave it! That makes sense to me!
He did suggest to her that in a lot of ways she was acting like me in active addiction-tunnel vision, going to do things my way, didnt care about God or others,etc...Except he said to her that her addiction was the thought of divorce..She got mad at him when he said that to her!
Well, I know this is a lot...But I feel a little better knowing that the counselor was just as frustrated with her answers (or lack of answers) as I was! The thing that caught him most offguard was the fact that when we left she made another appointment to see him! He said that she knows what he thinks and she had made her mind up, why go and see him again! Strange huh? She did come by the house yesterday and got 2 pocketbooks but thats all..Nothing else gone! If we can make it to her next counseling session without attorneys involved, I think that we will then have a chance! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! Any more advice would be greatly appreciated!

It sounds to me like she's spent so much time dealing with you, she lost sight of herself.
Now she's in a sort of self-preservation mode.
Give her space. You have consumed her life.
Pray for her. When you do have contact with her be kind and simple.
No offence, you sound very self centered. Let it be about her for once. She was there for you, now it's your turn.
Remember the butterfly.

Aly

No offense tyaken Aly...your are right, I am self-centered...However, I AM working on it-or at least trying to work on it! I am defintely giving her space if her family would just give her space! I think they are making it worse! Thanks for the advice! BB

I can understand what it's like to have a family who gets involved. Bummer.
This is between you and she. They should be supportive yet, stay out of it.
You have to leave this one to God. He will make the right choices for you if you let him.
Keep praying that He take over control for you and He will.
When we try to control it always back fires.
He has the plan for you and your wife. Just let him do His job.
Meanwhile, if I was you, I would concentrate on not caring so much what others think, say and do. You will know when you are walking on the right path.
I'm praying for you.
I'm still here.

Aly

Thanks again ALY....She is living with her parents right now and her mother (and grandmother) are constantly on her back about how she is wrong and how she should be working on the marriage...I think the pressure is getting to her..YOu know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brokenben:
<strong>I am defintely giving her space if her family would just give her space! I think they are making it worse! ...She is living with her parents right now and her mother (and grandmother) are constantly on her back about how she is wrong and how she should be working on the marriage...I think the pressure is getting to her...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would prefer it the other way? You think it would be better if they were enabling her - if they were supporting her actions no matter what those actions were?

I'd pick your in-laws' way of dealing with your wife over my in-laws' way of dealing with my (ex-)wife any day.

No, I am defintely grateful that the in-laws are "in my corner"...Her mother made the comment the other day that she has been more of a support system to me than to her own daughter. Her mother also went on to say that "she doesnt even know her own daughter right now!"....What I was trying to say is that when her mom (and others) start pushing her about what she should do and what what God wants, I think my wife gets angrier at me.I believe that it makes her mad that her own family is not telling her what she wants to hear and are instead agreeing with me...See my point?