One day, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road while jogging. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket, and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross walk for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," the man said, smiling back. "Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow, and the pain was unbearable."

LOL! That made me laugh! Thanks LH!
BH

TEXAN FIGHTING

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....

"One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out..... "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan's voice calls out again.... "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban"

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Don't send any more men....it's a trap....there's two of them."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LH--are we the only two people on the D/D forum who know any good jokes??

CJ

10 KEWL BUMPER STICKERS- for those of you keeping score at home I've made bold the ones that apply to me.....

1. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
2. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
3. 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
4. Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
5. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
6. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
7. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
8. If we are what we eat, then I'm cheap, fast and easy.
9. I wasn't born a jerk. Women like you made me this way.
10. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

CJ - Laughter is God's natural medicine and I for one like to stay heavily medicated.

DON'T JUMP

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge who was threatening to jump, when the station suddenly cut to a commercial.

Brunette: "I bet you $20 he's going to jump."

Blonde: "Okay."

(Back to the newscast: He jumped!)

Blonde: "Okay, I lost. Here's my $20."

Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it."

Blonde: "I insist. I lost."

Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."

Blonde: "I know! I saw the same newscast at 6:00 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"

hee hee hee....

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for
Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created
this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and
Eve.

And cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they
were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This was making the e-mail rounds today:

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny-

Don't put all your eggs in one basket
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
There's no such thing as too much candy
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HoFS

I live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. There's a billboard that says "We have balls" ... So OK they got balls. Fine. I didn't go by their establishment to see what kind of balls. Beach balls? Mouse balls (for the computer)? Steel ball bearings? Baseballs? Basketballs? What?!??Hmmmmmmmmm. Now I'll wonder, because they took the sign down and I can't remember what business name it was...
Just another one of Life's mysteries...
Harold

I'm a blonde Texan.
Y'all made my evnin.

Thanks,

Aly

WHICH ONE WOULD YOU USE??????

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca-Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker-upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: Boldly go where no man has gone before.

Does Virgin record have any?

Or OLYMPIC CONDOMS: Faster. Higher. Stronger.

Well it seems as though condoms are popular amond you heathens>>>>>> In the spirit of our nation, I've came up with a couple.....::::

U.S. Army Condoms: Be all that you can be.

And of course the boyz that fly us army pukes around so that we can fight:

Air Force Condoms: Off we go into the wild blue yonder.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>WHICH ONE WOULD YOU USE??????</strong>

M&M's, definitely.

Ooops.. that was a rhetorical question wasn't it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> sorry

hee hee

I got this as an e-mail almost three years ago.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Tx.

Things I've learned from my children:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 yo's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before getting a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh-oh' it is already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A 6 yo can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 yo man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on a cloudy day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive track of a 4 yo.
11. Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though tv commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire dept in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

H in PA