I realize there is no easy way to divorce regardless of the circumstances. But I have come to that conclusion.

My wife and a lengthy physical affair and I can't get past it and there is no use and beating each other up emotionally.

My concern is this the affair will be the central issue in a divorce but it would damage her image in the community for all the details to get out. Knowing lawyers there aren't going to leave the gloves on and will want to exploit this to my advantage.

I want to have as amicable divorce as possible. I don't want to soil her in the eyes of the community, her family or the kids.

But facts are facts.

Who has been thru a divorce where you were able to minimize the damage to the wayward spouse without sacrificing yourself?

s-d:

"My wife and a lengthy physical affair and I can't get past it and there is no use and beating each other up emotionally."

What TMCM said on your other thread. Look, I know it's hard to get past this crap (my W had an 11-yr EA/PA), but you know what? You HAVE to. Not "getting past" the A is NOT an option, wether you DV or not.

Have you considered separation? Your W may be less reluctant to go to counseling if it looks like she's going to lose you.

Don't take the baggage with you. Fix it.
-Qfwfq

I have considered seperation. In this state a notice of seperation of maintenance is the only option short of divorce.

But as I understand it the seperation does not address the issue of custody of our children including visitation.

Just a suggestion, how about living in the same house, maybe she could have the basement, or something like that. And you have the rest of the house. You could try it, and see if it works.

Otherwise, separation, and why doesn't it cover custoday. I would make an agreement, that you would get the kids x many days, and she x many days. And then before you go for separation, have the papers spelled out what the two of you have decided to do.

And also, put down the amount of time you would like the separation, with step 1, step 2 (x amount of months) and step 3 (x amount of months). Then divorce could be processed after that. Just a thought. If you went to the lawyer with everything spelled out, then you could save money and you could save her image.

"My concern is this the affair will be the central issue in a divorce but it would damage her image in the community for all the details to get out. "

So what if her image is damaged. She brought this on herself. She helped kill your marriage and break up your family. Don't feel sorry for her Feel sorry for the years you wasted on this woman. Feel sorry for your kids who will grow up in a divorced home. You are only presenting the truth as to why you are divorcing your wife.

Ok, new name but I've been lurking for 6 months or so. My question for you is do you still care for your wife? I'm thinking you do since you're asking this question.

My WW and I shared a lawyer and filed an uncontested divorce. Yes, she was and is in a relationship that she knows she shouldn't be in. But who is it going to help if I DV her on grounds of adultery and drag her name and reputation through the mud?

Sure she brought this on herself, and she is paying the price with family and friends who find out, but ever heard of the trait "compassion". To me that means that I treat her right, whether she deserves it or not.
I still love her, even after all the crap I've been through. The disrespect, the lying, the hatefulness, it all gets old, but I'm not helping myself by being vindictive.
Besides, our kids will eventually find out what Mom did whether I want them to or not. I can't control that. What I can control is whether or not they find out due to something I said or did, and DV'ng her for adultery is not the way I want them to find out.
Neither is it going to help the OM's spouse or her kids if I state the full truth about why we're DV'ng.
I'm still at the point where I think that once she comes out of the fog, there may still be a chance to reconcile. After all, spending nearly two thirds of your life with someone has got to count for something.
JMHO
Dad

Wow, I too have been lurking for some time and am in a similar situation. My wife has been having an affair for the last couple of years. After doing my best to try and keep things together for as long as I could, I finally confronted her with evidence and inuendo's. She has since filed for divorce and asking for everything (house/kids/huge debt removal/401k...etc..etc..) (restaining order against me to remove me from the house). In a recent court appearance my lawyer was ready to present the evidence but I had to pull him back because that is not what I want to do to this person that I used to know. What good does it do to drag someone through the mud, when in my opinion, the only one getting hurt would be the kids. I dont want to do that to her or the kids. Do I lose out financial in the long run? Possible, but I have my self respect and knowledge that I did the right thing for someone even when they were dragging me through the mudd (my family does not understand my position, but perhaps a couple people out on this website do...).

I too am hoping that the fog will be lifted, but it is beginning to look a little to thick right now.

The question my pastor asked me was: Would you give up everything (money, house, job, etc.) to make this work? My answer was a resounding YES! His subsequent question was then: Why then does it matter if she takes everything now?
He made me think long and hard about that and I came to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter. Not that I need to worry about that, she has shown me that she's not taking me to the cleaners. Actually she is very intent on doing things on her own. Of course she always has, so why would things change?

My biggest concern is that my kids will be able to look back at this someday and see that I treated her with respect no matter what. Can't say that I've done this perfectly, but all I can do is try to let God lead me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stunned-dad:
<strong>My wife and a lengthy physical affair and I can't get past it and there is no use and beating each other up emotionally.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If divorce is enevitable then you need to do everything possible to protect yourself and your children. I don't know anything about your story or what state you are in. Since you believe that will be an issue, I presume that you are in a state that will allow you to file based upon adultry.

Personally, I'm in a "no-fault" state plus I had no concrete evidence of audultry but I did use the system to the best of my ability. I used the possibility of "Contempt of Court" charges the day of our final hearing to force her to negotiate financial and custody.

I guess it's my view that it's not an unChristian thing to let the truth come out but if you'd like to protect her then use what you have as a negotiating tool.

I have had the same issues. My wife is an adultress many times over. Has shown no desire nor ever attempted to reconcile. Blamed me for everything. Threatened to 'take my boys' because she found she wouldn't get much money legally.

Even after all this, over and over again, I have done my best to stay within my own base. I have given her almost double child support, I pay for everything for my boys. I have them half time, and have since the separation in August. They are the only thing worth fighting for, and I find that my biggest fight is to NOT let out the truth as much as I would like.

I just think, what good would everyone knowing what sort of person she is do? It would only remove any sort of support system from her base and would in the end hurt my children. That is the only filter that matters... "Will this benefit or hurt my boys?"... Everything that occurs on a daily basis associated with this is ran backwards and forwards through that filter before I do anything. It allows me complete peace with my decisions, even though it might 'burn me' to allow or do something that I don't think I should do or have to do. By doing it, it benefits my boys.

There is no need to 'drag them through the mud' in my opinion. As much as I would like to tell everyone about her and email them all the details straight from her own email account, I do not, because it would only hurt my boys. She has not shown any desire to reconcile, even though she says she is Christian and goes to "Women of Faith" conferences. I don't agree with her version religion. My God doesn't condone her actions as far as I believe, but my God also doesn't call on me to punish or judge her.

My life and that of my boys is paramount. I hope that she has a good life for her sake as well as my boy's. Sometimes I wish that she would care more about something other than herself, but I do not believe that will ever be the case. But me 'hurting' her with the truth will not change that. My best 'revenge' will be to live a great life with my children. To allow this to affect my life as minimally as possible. Of course many things will be different. But those that I can continue, I will. Those that are new, I will enjoy. And those that are gone, I will lament and release.

There is no revenge, that is worth hurting your children. For her, I do not care, she would deserve to have her friends know what she has chosen. But for me, I do not need her to feel pain. I wanted it at one point. But I don't any longer.

As far as separation and children go, I live in a no fault state, and in the separation agreement, we did a straight 50/50 everything with the boys. I have them on Mon/Tue and every other Fri/Sat/Sun, she has them on Wed/Thurs and every other weekend as well. This has worked very well, and I highly recommend it for this sort of split.

Of course I want them all the time, however, they need to know at this time that their parents, BOTH of their parents, care for them and want what is best for them. Should they desire one or the other of us in the future, then I hope to be that one. But in the mean time, I will take everything that I can get, and enjoy it. I will teach them the high road. I will teach them fidelity, honor, and mould their character as much as I can. I will teach them honesty and devotion. I will teach them daddies don't leave. I will teach them that even though this happened to their mom and dad, that IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN TO THEM. I think this is a real issue, because everyone in her family is divorced, and I think that she just sees this as the natural course of life. MY BOYS WILL UNDERSTAND THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!

Take care. Don't get taken advantage of, however run your issues through your children and do what is best for them. You are totally responsible for them, and you have an even bigger job now than before.

tomaz:

More non-MB advice: "So what if her image is damaged. She brought this on herself. She helped kill your marriage and break up your family. Don't feel sorry for her Feel sorry for the years you wasted on this woman. Feel sorry for your kids who will grow up in a divorced home. You are only presenting the truth as to why you are divorcing your wife."

I still think a better idea would be to just shoot WSs, and get the crying over with.

Not! Point being, even WSs can change. You shouldn't choose to be vindictive in a DV, even if you were deliberately mistreated. Take the moral high ground.

-Qfwfq

Who cares about her image? If she did, she wouldn't have had the affair. Take care of yourself.

FYI: I have tried to take the moral high ground and not lash out against the rumor mill my WW created. It's worth it. You do it by biting your tongue, looking for justice, and not telling everyone the typical: she's a slut, she did this, etc. etc.

Lawyers will do what you tell them to do. Her affair will probably matter much less than you think it will. The legal system could really care less. It's about assets and debts. Her affair might matter only if you have kids and only if you have pictures.

If you're set on the divorce, here's the best way:
- Make sure you're sure.
- Double check that you're sure and will not cave when she manipulates you with tears and lovey dovey crap.
- Get a lawyer.
- Before you go to the lawyer, set your house in order so that in your first meeting you can give the lawyer EVERYTHING it needs.
- Tell the lawyer how you want the dv handled.
- Don't say anything to your stbxw.
- When the initial dv papers are prepared, tell your WW and give her the dv papers AT THE SAME TIME. Tell her she should probably get a lawyer or that she can just sign your already signed and notarized papers.
- Turn and leave. Never talk to her again ABOUT THE DIVORCE... that's why you have a lawyer.

Be prepared for strange things. Take it in stride. Tell yourself that you're stronger than this. Most especially, be prepared for her to use typical "I'm being divorced!" pity tactics of telling everyone what an abusive/neglectful [censored] you are. When it happens, confront her in private but in a public place. Tell her that you would like to avoid name-calling and rumor-mongering.

One of the best things I ever did was tell my stbxw that if she didn't stop, the next time I heard something, I was going to randomly pick someone in her family and tell them everything I knew about her affair. And... like magic... the rumors stopped.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stunned-dad:
<strong>My concern is this the affair will be the central issue in a divorce but it would damage her image in the community for all the details to get out...

...I want to have as amicable divorce as possible. I don't want to soil her in the eyes of the community, her family or the kids.

But facts are facts.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been thru it and all I can say is this:

* YOU didn't soil her...she did. She set all of these things in motion with her decision to cheat.

* Keep you dignity, integrity and wisdom about you. Don't let her, her lawyer's or your lawyer's tactics affect how YOU will act.

* Deal with the facts. If the facts bear out her behaviour in a negative way, that is HER responsibility. That is NOT something you caused and NOT something you are responsible for. Period. Even if she throws emotions your way.

* Don't talk in a negative way to ANYONE (except your very closest confidant) about her. Doesn't mean you have to defend her actions; you just aren't going to go down that road. State the facts, not your opinion about the facts.

The bottom line is that YOU can determine that YOU will act with integrity thru the whole thing. That is how you minimize any "damage" to the ws, but more importantly, you will minimize any damage to yourself for future regrets in how you handled the divorce.

From this side of the divorce, I am SO glad someone gave me that adivce. It's allow me to forgive my x-H and know that even up until the very end, I acted with integrity and my intent was to heal (i.e. minimize damage).

Aloha,
Ms.O

Here is how my WW and I handled things. I had been thinking of divorce for a long time. I went to see an attorney in February just to get my options and I even told her that I was doing this. I like to be honest.

However, a month later, she decided that this is what she wanted. I was fine with this, and we both agreed that it would be in our best interests to do this on the most amicable grounds possible.

We agreed on how to split things, and she went to the lawyer to type up a no-fault agreement. She allowed me the opportunity to sign, and I wanted to have another lawyer review the document. I did this, and made changes to it, and she accepted them. We both signed the documents, she went to court, and then it was done. Total cost Her: about $600 for attorney fees and court costs. Me: $175 to have another attorney review.

I would recommend attempting to get an amicable divorce. It is important to realize that if you two fight each other over every dime, you will both lose. The lawyers will be the only winners. When I went and saw the other attorney, he tried to get me to put things in the document that I thought were unreasonable, probably to start a dispute. I was able to reign him in though and you don't have to do everything the lawyer tells you. If you know how to read, you should not be in bad shape.

That said, amicability at all costs is a bad idea. When wife moved out, a mortgage payment was due soon. I told her that I wanted half the mortgage, and I would fight for it. At the same time, I told her I would pay half of her car payment since it was also joint debt (my car is paid off). She agreed to this because she knew that it would be better to do this than to fight. What I'm saying is that the law required a 50/50 split of assets and liabilities, so it is best to just start there. Sure, you might end up with 40% to her 60% or whatever, but that is much better than a 20/20 split with 60% going to attorney fees or personal bankrupcy.

I was lucky because we were both able to think this out rationally. Every situation is different, it depends on who you are dealing with. However, if someone asks for the moon, you need to fight them.

Remember...your STBX is NOT looking out for you.

Total Cost to me so far: $9,000
Total Cost to her so far: $3,100

I like the other guy's amicable approach much better. Btw, I was an owner in a small business that she went after. So, I think my costs were a bit higher.

Ouch, sorry to hear this cost you so much...

Like I said, each persons situation is different. We had a house, two cars, and a small <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> amount of cash. Since there were no kids, we couldn't fight over them.

There are divorce kits that you can use too, you may want to have a lawyer review the document that you draw up. The court doesn't care how you split things, just that you do.

I hope that things go well, and stress to your wife that you will both be better if things go amicably and that you are both fair. Don't expect her to look out for you, and watch so you don't get cheated.