WH will come home Saturday for Easter then leave again to go back to the jobsite on Monday. Here is the letter that I plan on giving him. Any and all feedback is appreciated.

Easter 2003

Dear WH,

I got your card and </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I too wish that we could go backing time to those unspoiled moments in our relationship, before the hurt ever touched our hearts, before the doubt ever entered our minds, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but we are where we are right now… You are hurting us way too much by the things that you are doing and not doing in this relationship/ family.

You have lived away from home for over 4 years now.

I know about OW2.

I know about the cocaine.

As the card says: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, I know we can’t go back to those days. I know I can’t erase the mistakes. I can’t take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, I ask you what is your plan to restore our marriage?Tto restore my trust in you? For recovery?

I want you to know that no matter what happens to us, I want us to have the best possible relationship. You will always be the father of our kids, so we will have a link even if we don’t stay married.

WH, until you are clean and sober and have severed all ties with OW2, and have a plan to restore our shattered marriage, to restore my trust in you, then we have to keep our distance. It’s too painful seeing the kids affected. This hurts me more than you can understand.

So, until you can get yourself in a better place, we need to separate. I’m really concerned for me and the kids & doing this so we all feel safe.

Love,

WGTT

PS - So far WH has denied things to his one good friend and his brother

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

WGTT,
It's a succinct letter and probably overdue, given what you've been through. However, I want to point out something. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH, until you are clean and sober and have severed all ties with OW2, and have a plan to restore our shattered marriage, to restore my trust in you, then we have to keep our distance. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You give him several specific hoops to jump through (sober, cutting ties w/OW), which are excellent. But you are leaving the making of "a plan to restore your shattered marriage and restore your trust" up to him. Is that the best thing? (I don't know, just asking.) Is that realistic that HE could come up with a viable plan? Would it be better if that was something you worked on together AFTER he did the first two things and showed he was serious? Just my opinion, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I totally agree with keeping your distance until those things have taken place. Stating it that way is a good healthy (but sad) step.

How did the sailing races go??

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

I would add that as a 3rd condition he needs to go to marital counselling with you. Tell him that you'll find one that you'll be going to and that he is welcome to come when and as he meets and continues to meet the first two conditions.

He should also give you a really good backrub.

Good letter but I agree with the counseling part. And he needs to attend some kind of group to help those that are addicted. I would ask my stbxh to do that if he ever tried to come back. That is imperative he knows there is also an addiction problem. Feeds the whole other issues like cheating also.

But the letter is great. When you mean separation, do you mean legal? I think if he's been away for 4 years that you should do something to really get his attention and to legally secure everything for the kids. Ball's in his court now but if he doesn't play, you need to protect yourself and the kids.

I am praying that a miracle happens here, this Easter with this family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi,

Actually Steve Harley suggested this way back and yes Avondale, it's probably long overdue. Steve's suggested that I ask him what his plan was to restore our M & recover. WH probably wounldn't have an answer so then tell him that I need to separate untill he gets in a better place. I guess I have combinded the question with the answer.

Should I spell out that he contact Steve Harley for a plan? My thoughts were that he probably would not have a clue & then I could suggest he call Steve for a plan. The addiction part is trickier, he would benefit from a half way house but probably wouldn't go. He would have to be in a 12 step program, working the program for me to even consider a relationship.

Peachy, after I reread this letter, the same thing popped out to me, that he has been living away from home and I say in the letter I need to separate. Steve had suggested that I start to file for a legal separation and that if WH hadn't come around by the time it was final to do plan B after that.

WH has been 1200 miles away & most of the mess that happened, had already happened. I kept monitoring the situation & most of what is going on now is a result of the fall out from before. That and the fact that WH continued a relationship with a cocaine (whore) oops I mean queen "just for the drugs, there was no love involved" (he didn't tell me that, I heard it thru a friend) I went on with my life which was easier cuz he wasn't in my face all the time.

It seems that I need to clarify what I really want to say, which means I must be really clear on what I need to do. I don't want to do any of this.

Lyxa - A good back rub would be sooooo wonderful.
Now that IS the way to my heart! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What if I just left our the question line & left the rest the same? Counseling could be part of that plan.

Steve said that it is up to him to do something, that it was not me that could restore this M