Hi. I need some input and advice from all you nice people. I’ve recently been spending more time on this board as it doesn’t appear that my H and I will be resurrecting our marriage.

Let me give you all a short recap of my situation. H and I have been together 12 yrs, married 9. I would say that we had a very happy marriage and my H has just been recently able to admit this as well (since the A – he had been saying that we weren’t happy). We had one child and then moved from the urban area where we were living, to closer to my family. The move was tough on us, we both had new jobs, etc. I got pregnant again unexpectedly. H went on a work related trip and met OW, began an affair (EA/PA first/only A), got caught, moved out, and continued the affair. I found MB, had the baby, tried to make it work (plans A, B etc.) but was told recently by my IC (former MC) to give up hope and that for my own sanity I must break the ties that bind the two of us together and to build a life without him. I have told H recently that it is over between us. Since this time, H has gone full-force back to OW and will probably end up living with her. I am the primary caretaker of our 3 YO and now 3 month old but H has the 3 YO every other weekend and I allow him to spend time at the house two evenings a week to bond with the infant and play with the 3 YO while I leave to do errands, exercise, etc.

Here’s the deal. I never dated much before meeting H (we were 20 and 21 when we met). In fact, he’s the only man I’ve ever slept with. One of the reasons I’m so reluctant to end the marriage is that I feel like I’ll be single the rest of my life and I really enjoy the companionship aspect of having a significant other.

Here are the questions…
1) What are the views of men out there on dating a woman with children – esp. children so young?

2) I feel almost competitive with my H about dating someone. I.e. He has OW to spend time with and sleep with and vacation with. I want a boyfriend to do these things with. Is this crazy? Is it bad? I don’t want to be a divorced mother “out on the prowl” but I’d love to have an adult person besides my family members to spend time with.

3) What are the dos and don’ts of dating?

4) Do you think I’ll ever find someone to love and love me again?

My WW was the only woman I ever had sex with. I, like you, enjoy having a significant other.

Here are Eric's Rules (me) for Dating:
- Wait till AFTER the divorce is granted. You'll feel better about yourself and heavens knows the extra time will pay off.
- Force yourself to not solely define who you look for based on what you hated about your x.
- I don't have kids. I wish I did. There are millions of divorced and single men out there who probably will not see that as a bad thing.
- That being said, I do not want to be involved with a potentially-psycho x who comes to your house every evening. My attitude there would be: Great. Two evenings every weekend she has a chance to hook back up with him. After my ww's affair, I do not have room for a 2nd man in any of my future relationships.
- Are you going to compete with your x in everything? I hope you see where that road will take you eventually.
- When dating, don't talk about your x. Don't compare.
- Keep things light and upbeat for as long as possible. You can rush into the relationship part later.

It's been 8 months since D-Day. It's 5 months since we separated. It's been 2 months since we signed the sep agreement and she moved away. I think about her everyday. I struggle with rage and hate for the OM everyday. I still cry. I am not ready to date again. In fact, I'd feel sorry for anyone that tried. Make sure that you're ready. Whoever you date, deserves to date a whole person... not someone torn in half and wearing a brave face. Think about it.

I agree with the waiting comment. I joined a separated/divorce support group early on and it was wonderful. Once a week I had a place to go talk about my situation/feelings, and met wonderful friends there who understood my situation. And the group planned social activies (not dating) to get people out, including family events since someone would always have their children.
Find a local support group to help yourself deal with this, and you will help yourself grow.
God bless you and your family.

(((dueinjan)))

First off I’d like to echo some of the others by saying that without an ending there can be no new beginning. Your still a young woman and you have a full lifetime ahead of you. Please take time to heal yourself completely, which IMHO cannot be done until the last “t” is crossed on the decree and the divorce is final.

About being single for the rest of your life, man can I relate to that. There was a long period when I felt that I needed someone. But in reality the day that I accepted the fact that it would be OK to be single for the rest of my life was truly the day that I was ready for a relationship. It’s not a need, it’s merely a desire.

1) What are the views of men out there on dating a woman with children – esp. children so young?

Personally, I have no problem with that what so ever. Actually for me it’s a must, since I have children, I want someone with the same calling to mentor kids.

2) I feel almost competitive with my H about dating someone. I.e. He has OW to spend time with and sleep with and vacation with. I want a boyfriend to do these things with. Is this crazy? Is it bad? I don’t want to be a divorced mother “out on the prowl” but I’d love to have an adult person besides my family members to spend time with.

I think that is fairly normal, not necessarily healthy but normal. But again I feel that when those feelings are gone is when you are healing and getting ready. You truly have to look at the big picture with the young one because you don’t want to expose him to unhealthy relationships or lead him in a direction that will result in him having attachment issues.

3) What are the dos and don’ts of dating?

Do it when your ready, don’t do it before that because you’ll end up settling for something that you don’t really want. Other than that, I haven’t had a “true” date in like 14 years, so I really dunno.

4) Do you think I’ll ever find someone to love and love me again?

YES I do. But I also believe that you will not find him while you are looking. It’s when you aren’t looking that someone will be placed in your life.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thank you all for the good advice. Upon reading your posts, I am certain I am not ready to be dating. I find myself wrapped up in the thoughts that if "WH is doing it, so should I." WH is obviously not a good decision-maker and I should not be modeling my behavior after him. Should be self-evident but I guess I needed some other voices out there to hear the message.

Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's been 8 months since D-Day. It's 5 months since we separated. It's been 2 months since we signed the sep agreement and she moved away. I think about her everyday. I struggle with rage and hate for the OM everyday. I still cry. I am not ready to date again. In fact, I'd feel sorry for anyone that tried. Make sure that you're ready. Whoever you date, deserves to date a whole person... not someone torn in half and wearing a brave face. Think about it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I feel exactly the same way. Even the D-day dates and sep dates are similar. I am torn in half and wearing a brave face.

Newly - Thanks for the suggestion. I'm going to check into some of those groups. I would like just to do things with some new people and most of my friends and family are married. I looked up the parents w/out partners website in my area. But it depressed me. Maybe a support group is more what I need right now.

Bill-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I also believe that you will not find him while you are looking. It’s when you aren’t looking that someone will be placed in your life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you're probably right.

I think I'll just focus on the children and myself (whatever that means) and try to find some people to hang out with. It's tough having a toddler and an infant to take care of by myself. I would enjoy the compny of another adult but probably dating isn't the answer at this point and if I tried, I would end up with someone that probably wasn't right for me because right now I'm not really who I really am. I've been through too much this year and I have to reach some equalibrium.

Thank you so much for the kind words and ((( )))s. I appreciate this site so much. It's been a lifesaver.