I haven't posted for a while. My divorce from my WW was final a week and a half ago. We went to meditation and she gave me just about everything I wanted (primary custody of our son, the house being the biggest two). She moved out of the house and we were seperatd about two and a half months before the divorce was final. During that time she was out blowing and going at the bars and clubs as well as seeing the OM she was involved with. Now on Monday she emails me and apologizes for what she did and how remoursful she is in doing it. She takes full responsibility. She said she would be lying if she said she did not miss us and our family. She has been having dreams that I have asked her out and she is happy about it until she wakes up and realizes it was just a dream. I have also heard from a friend of hers that she know regrets the decisions she has made. She said that she wants a family life again.

I just don't understand it. Why did she not realize these things before she signed the papers. Just when I start getting on with my life and putting things behind me now this. It is very tempting to speak with her but I just don't know. I knew this would happen though. Why does a person go through a divorce and then a few days later realize they made a mistake? Can we say FOG perhaps?

You need to move on with your life. Your ex was doing drugs and having sexual affairs on you and putting your health at risk. She divorces and leaves her family for the fun life. She wants you back reality has set in for a while. Do not be the doorprise. You and your children deserve somebody in the future who has morals and can respect you and your children. Your ex is incredibly selfish and self-centered. If you connect again it will be a matter of time before she would put your through this hell again. Look for a brighter future with someone else and don't let her suck you back into that hell again. I wish you luck.

I disagree with BryanP. Your ex. has not started to exit the fog. She now is seeing the price she is paying for the decisions she has made. She has it bottom. Now is the time you both can address root problem that existed in your marriage. You could persue other people and possible become married again but the problems that existed in your first marriage would probably still exist. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. You all ready know your ex. good vs. bad. If you persue someone else you would have to discover theirs. Now is the time you could build a solid (slow) foundation for a solid marriage. She will always be in your life because of your child. She is the mother of your child and will always be in his life. This is a second reason why you should look at possible rebuilding your marriage.

To follow I would take a little bit of both of the advice above... But I would take my time... not jump one way or the other... take the time to get reaquainted and see if it looks like the fog has really lifted, but taking time to grow and become independent at the same time....

I only wish that my wife had taken the same route as yours (short of the drugs but who knows if she is not) and given me the opportunity to have my girls and to keep the house.... The house is gone... the fight for time with my girls continues.....

Thanks for the input. By the way, my EXWW was not on drugs. At least not that I'm aware of. I will readily admit that the email she sent me has perplexed. I began moving on with my life. I never wanted the divorce really and I gave her the chance to help rebuild our marriage but she chose not to. In the last 15 years that we have known each other whenever things get in to a rut she decides to bail for a while. While I don't believe she has ever had an affair before, she did this time. When you look back, it is always remembering the good times that would make you feel as though it could work. But so much damage has been done this time I don't know that it could. I would have given anything for our son to have the chance to grow up with the two of us together. He is the one who lost in this. I believe she has many issues she needs to deal with. But once the divorce is final, which it is, how do you go and start over. Especially knowing last week she was still calling the OM. She told a friend of hers that the single life is not what she expected and she said she wanted a normal family life again. She is under the impression that I'm dating a single mother because my son plays with a little boy and he mentioned this to her the other day but told her that the boy does not have a daddy. He does but my son has not seen him. So this gives her the impression that I'm seeing someone else and in the past she never liked that thought. That was usually when she wanted to come back. Her friend told her that I have evidently moved on with my life and she should have figured that was going to happen. My EXWF and I have not talked but about two and a half months. Only via email.

There is a difference between regret and repentance. Regret just means feeling a sense of loss and disappointment, while repentance involves a determination to make things right (to whatever degree is possible).

Sometimes reality penetrates the fog, and a shock like being confronted with the cold hard fact of a divorce can be a good (albeit often temporary) fog-clearer. But a break in the fog is not enough, Darren. Until and unless your WW actually repents, her regret is meaningless. And only time will reveal whether she has truly repented.

I think that your ex may be regretting because she might not be in the fantasy world that she once was. Now there aren't multiple men after her, and she's probably realizing that the guy she claimed to love is nothing more than a donkey or the name of a popular TV show on MTV.

A finance professor of mine repeatedly would say that "nothing is more predictable than human behavior." He said this because there was a group of students who would always show up for class 15 minutes late. I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater, but if a person repeats the same behavior over and over again, it will be repeated in the future.

Only you know your own situation, so the ultimate decisions on what to do are up to you. If I were in your shoes, I'd take the time to evaluate your life first and find out what you want. She can wait.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So this gives her the impression that I'm seeing someone else and in the past she never liked that thought. That was usually when she wanted to come back. Her friend told her that I have evidently moved on with my life and she should have figured that was going to happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it amazing how almost instantly attractive an XBS becomes to an XWS when s/he starts(or appears) to start a relationship with another person? (boy can I relate to that with my XWW persuing me because I have a gf). It's like they don't want you but don't want anybody else to have you, which is proof of their selfishness.

Sure she is the mother of your child and you will never end all contact with her but if tomorrow you met a woman who showed all the characteristics of your XWW, would you get inolved with her or run away from her like a bat out of he**? So until your X proves with deeds that she is serious about changing her ways, all the words that come from her are just that, words. She is not ready to be seriously involved with anybody.

All points well taken. I'm including here the email she sent me.

There are somethings that I've been wanting to say for a while, but my pride wouldn't let me. I'm going to say them anyway. I know that I have half a$$ apologized to you for my part in what happened to us, but you deserve more than that. I want to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, how sorry I'am for hurting you the way I did. I know we were both at fault for letting it get as bad as it did, but I want to accept responsibility for what I did. I can never, never tell you how remourseful I am about what happened. I'd give my life to change it if I could. I'd be lying if I said I did'nt miss us and our family, there is a hole in my heart that seems like it will never be complete again. The problem is I miss what we had, not what we became. What makes me sad is that I can see now that if we could have just seperated for a while, things could have been so different, so different. I had a dream last night that you asked me out and I was so happy. I have had a lot of dreams like that since we've been apart and I'm hoping that by writing all of this out that maybe they'll stop because they hurt once I realize that it was just a dream. I know that things happen for a reason and I guess that applies to us as well. You are a wonderful and I only want you to be happy. I don't expect a response to this, I just needed you to know how sorry I'am and that no matter what you think, these have been the hardest few months of my life.

Now, she seems to think now that the seperation would have worked but during that time we were seperated when she did not have our son, she was out at the bars and clubs. She did'nt spend anytime sitting around thinking about us. She was also still talking with the OM. Now, she is seeing someone new but at the same time telling me she misses our family and us. I believe if she tryly felt the way she describes in her email, she would have called before the divorce was final and said "let's talk". Like the old saying goes "a tiger never changes it's stripes". Yes, I would to give anything to have the life we used to have, especially for our son and I would do any thing in the world for him but I don't think I could live the life I would have to live with her to give him what he deserves and that is us. I guess I will need to continue to evaluate things. I don't think she has repented yet. That's probably coming if feel. Normally in the past she will get involved in a new relationship to keep her mind off of what she had with us and I see that now again.