Went to see a lawyer on Tuesday (4/15).

He did an internet search and discovered that my W in fact has filed for a D. She never told me this, she just said that she told her lawyer to 'proceed', but my W did pay for the filing fee. So now, I can be served at any time. All my wife has to do is call her lawyer and it can be served within 24 hours.

Now, how am I to cope with this? I mean, I feel as if it could happen anytime, although my W says that she has not made her 'final' decision, and that 'it may not happen'. Now, why would anyone go ahead and file and say this? To me, it does not make sense.

I am trying to control my emotions, but it is very difficult. I feel threatened by the whole thing. I feel like she is the executioner and I am just waiting for the axe to fall.

It sounds to me like your wife is unsure what she wants to do. Your situation is a little peculiar to me though. If she has indeed "filed", you would be automatically served. It sounds more like she has the paperwork in place and has paid the fee, but has not given her attorney the go-ahead to file the action.

I've been in this situation for a while, although I was the one debating whether to file. I wanted to have the paperwork ready so that all I had to do was make a call and things would go. I think it is borne out of indecision. She (and I) clearly are having serious thoughts of leaving, but is unsure yet. The actions she has taken probably give her the satisfaction of knowing she at least has done SOMETHING. But having them drawn up is the easy part, pulling the trigger is the hard part. I've had them drawn up for a while, at least four months. I finally pulled the trigger last night.

As to how do you cope with this. I would try to ignore it as best you can, in a sense. Yes, she can file and serve you at any time, but in reality that's true in any marriage. So right now, you are married and no divorce action is underway. My advice is to think about what YOU want. If you want to stay married, do your best to make that happen (plan A or something similar). If not, then begin the process of preparing yourself emotionally and otherwise for the split.

I guess what I'm saying is, that while your reaction to be taken aback by your wife doing this is natural, try not to over-react. She clearly has not made a decision yet, and now is your best time to influence that decision.

She has filed, there is a docket number and everything. I even looked it up on the internet, and she has filed four separate petitions, dissolution, dissolution family, income statement and a parenting plan. It has been assinged to a judge and all. No dates and no information for service.

Now the lawyer I met with was amazed that I had not been served yet. The petition was filed on April 8th.

In essence, it does not really change anything as you said. But, I do know that her intentions are serious. It sucks just knowing that it is just a phone call away from being served.

Well, I guess there are two possibilities. Either there is a hang-up in the serving process or she put a hold on things after she filed but before the service. There would still be a docket number in that case. I kind of think that's the more likely scenario, since she said "it may not happen".

Well, if you don't want it to happen now is the best chance you'll ever have to help make sure it doesn't. I know nothing of your situation, but is it possible that she is hoping the threat will motivate change?

I would still focus on deciding what you want and then act accoridingly. As I said, anyone can file at anytime, so don't let that be your primary focus, or it may short circuit any attempts you make at improvements if you decide in that direction.

double post

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: theuglytruth ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Living-In-Limbo:
<strong>I am trying to control my emotions, but it is very difficult. I feel threatened by the whole thing. I feel like she is the executioner and I am just waiting for the axe to fall.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to focus less on what your wife is going to do, and more on what you are going to do. In the end, you are responsible only for your own actions (and reactions).

It is incredibly liberating to let go of what you cannot control. If you can do that, then even if the axe falls, it cannot touch who you are. Be the person you believe you should be, and let your emotions be what they will be.

Incidentally, the way I found out how my wife had filed was that I started receiving junk mail from local lawyers offering their services in the divorce case that had been filed against me. I didn't get served until several days later. That was fun. I felt like the whole world knew, except for me.

I know how you feel- my H filed on me and I definitely told him I didn't want a divorce. He didn't even have the decency to tell me when he filed and even though I knew it might happen it was still a cold hard shock when I opened my front door to a process server.My H was still in the midst of an EA/PA and swore up and down that divorce was what he wanted. Later I found out that he kept waffling between OW and me and she kept raising the stakes by demanding he take action to divorce me in order to appease her. ANYWAY despite his insistence on wanting a D, he was the one who emotionally crashed and cancelled the entire thing after I was served. I have read that 25% of divorces that are filed are eventually dismissed. I say it ain't over till the fat lady sings!!! lifeismessy

I am interested in finding out where on the internet your lawyer found out that she filed. I am also in a situation where I feel like I am waiting for the axe to fall. Death row is no fun.

Well, I live in Missouri and this is the address that the lawyer gave me.

CaseNet

I do not know if your state has something similar or not. You could replace the 'mo' with your state for starters, or you could do a 'search' with 'casenet' and your state.

You are right, death row sucks. I mean, how are you supposed to live this way? Maybe she is just trying to drive me crazy. If she was going to threaten me, why didn't she tell me?